Are you glad you did it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Are you glad you did it?
21
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 4:48am


My marriage is a shambles due to my husband's infidelities. I cannot seem to reconcile it and I live with the pain of it on a daily basis. I really mean it. It hurts every single day, five years after it all blew up. I try, but I just don't seem to have it in me to fix this within myself. He doesn't cheat anymore. He seems to vascilalte between wanting to fix things and wanting to close himself off and hide away.

I have been riding the fence about divorcing him for at least a year now. I am wondering. For those of you that did it. Are you glad you did? Or is there some part of you that regrets it? Honest answers PLEASE for someone who needs your POV.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 4:14pm

Rose. I nearly cried when I read your post. Your experiences are indeed so very familiar to me.

My husband is also a very handsome man. He does not drink and does not physically abuse me, but for a long time he emotionally abused me - withholding sex when I wanted it (but screwing around on me the whole time), yelling at me all the time, horrendously jealous but would flirt in front of me constantly, criticizing the way I looked, talked, even the way I ate, what I cooked, etc. The most trivial things. In fact, when I found out about his affair, he said "No one would want you anyway. What are you gonna do? You have three kids." For 2-3 years after I found out and he confessed, he was horrible to me. Threatening divorce all the time. Stalking off when I needed to talk about things. Then I quit crying when he came back after the first separation. Things began to change then.

I did not know until he started therapy that his mother had abused him physically and mentally and that he was angry over it and took it out on me. He admits this. I knew she was mean, but Lord I did not know she as that horrible. The stories he told me would make your blood run cold. He took it out on me and he was abusive.

The second separation, although only one week long, WAS wonderful, like you said. I felt myself coming alive again. Truly. I did not miss him very much. When I did I would remember all the things he did and said to me. All the bad things. It was just seeing him sobbing and crying like that, kissing my hands and begging to some home. Trust me. He is a macho man, it was not like him at all. I was afraid he'd get depressed and lose his job. Or get angry and make things hard on me. I was just plain afraid and I let myself down, I guess.

I can relate to selling off your dream house and how that must hurt. I love our home. I picked out every stick of furniture in it, it's roomy for the boys, and I would miss the gardens I'm always digging around in. There's so much sentiment connected with it. My two younger boys have never known any other home, we moved there when the eldest was 8 and he's 24 now. I just don't know how I'd break it to them that we are moving away because I won't be able to afford that mortgage on my own, even if we do sell everything. I'd have to move into a condo or something for a few years until the kids are out of private school as I am determined that no matter what happens, divorce or not, they are going to private school. The public school system here is really bad. I am also afraid that, if he doesn't become chronically depressed, my husband will react negatively, act like a child, be mean and make things rough for me. If the boys were grown, I wouldn't care how long he tied me up in court, etc., but I can't stand the thought of them getting yanked around or not having the things they need.

So Rose, you sound like you are very happy with your decision and I am glad you are finding your peace at last. I hope someday to find mine.

I hope you will think about sending me a PM now and then. I don't come here every day, but will answer you if you do. I would love to hear your progress and how things are going for you. It might give me insight into what it would be like if I made that move. Thank you so much, Rose. God bless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 4:18pm

Wow, never heard it stated this way but I do understand. Some people don't seem to realize that many marriages are probably over years before the actual divorce. I had one leg on the fence for 3 years and I jumped on top and stayed for a year longer. The day I finally realized just how short life is I jumped over on the other side! Here's an e-mail I received the other day....

Life is short...Break the rules. Forgive quickly.
Kiss slowly. Love truly.
Laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that
made you smile.

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while
we're here we should dance...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 4:19pm


Dear oldie but goodie, it does help. I need to learn what it's like when you make that decision to divorce someone.

I've been married so long. I'm afraid to do it, but I think that if I were strong enough to, I might be very happy and not regret it.

Lord knows, I do not care about money having been poor most of my life before I got married. It would be worth any price to be rid of the heartache once and for all.

But do you get rid of it? Does it really go away after you divorce or ... is it just a different KIND of heartache?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 4:27pm


Wounded, I do not believe in loving any other way than truly. Which is why it's so hard to stay in this lukewarm, ambivalent place.

I hope you're dancing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 8:29pm

My biggest problem is that I get sad about a relationship that never existed to begin with.

Either when dating or married, my ex-wife was not engaged in the relationship. And I knew that too. So I proceeded thinking if only I could do this or that, then I'd be worthy of her affection, or what ever.

After years of counceling (presumably "marriage counceling"), I came to recognize the cold hard truth -- there was no relationship, much less a marriage. And nothing I could do would ever change that.

Nonetheless, I did everything she asked me to do and then some. I kept all of my promises. I made sure HER daughters were well taken care of, in addition to our son.

I ended the marriage with no regrets and no illusions.

The heartache I feel is about something that never was. It has abated over time, and its been six years. The bigger struggle is dealing with the utter and complete lapse in judgement regarding this woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 7:41am

Hi All,

I was married for 27 years to a man that nothing was ever good enough. I didn't love him enough, I wasn't smart enough....the list goes on. He was always on some sort of mission for himself.

Although he wanted the divorce, deep down I think I wanted one a long time before that but I had my kids, home and other diversions, so I just accepted my lot and slowly started losing the real me.

The divorce was ugly and there is absolutely no contact between us. There can't be. Since he lost control of me, he absolutely hates the ground I walk on.

Anyway, am I glad I did it? Absolutely. I feel like I have been given another chance in life. I can make decisions about my life without someone standing behind me getting ready to shoot them down.

I still have a way to go on new relationships, but that will come in time. I think if you are honest with yourself and truly felt you gave it your best shot, there's no need to hang on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 11:49am

Hi Whirleygurl - My husband was molested as a child - kidnapped actually and then molested, and I think it has contributed to his abusive patterns with me. I completely understand that there would be lifelong residual affects from an event like that and I tried to be supportive and loving and patient. He also does not respect his mother one little iota while he and his dad are the best of friends.

Once he left and I was able to breath again and not feel like I was walking on eggshells all the time, I totally realized the huge cross I was bearing while remaining in that marriage.

As crazy as this counds, I think my husband did not realize that all of his actions have an opposite reaction, all of his indiscretions have consequences. While I care deeply for him as the father of my children and genuinely want him to be happy, I do not want to be married to him any more. For years I could not understand how someone who was 'supposed' to love me could treat me so horrendously. I finally realized I would be ok without him, in fact I might be better than ok.

I am very excited about being on my own again. I do not care to ever marry again although I do hope to find love, the way it was meant to be.

Sidebar - My H has been very depressed, unable to work on some occasions, unable to socialize (this is a VERY big deal to him!). He rushed to list and sell our house, I kept telling him to slow down. He didn't and the house that we thought would take months to sell ended up selling in two days. This forced us into separation really. He made all of this happen. He knows he is to blame for this split and yet despite his depression etc., I am pretty certain that he did not sleep alone on Sat night. How quickly they get back up and dust themselves off...... and bottom line, I don't really care, I just want to be able to go on with my own life....

Rose

PS - What does PM you mean?

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 1:44pm

Well I can relate insofar as being sad over a relationship that never was. I feel that way alot. I think that is the main thing that bothers me is that he decieved me for so long and here I was like a blind bat believing that he loved me like I loved him. But I could not do the things he did and say that I loved my spouse.

He took care of me, I have to admit that he did a good job of that. I never had to want for anything except companionship, affection, loyalty, compassion and moral support.

You know, in my heart, I always knew he cheated. But I never faced it. Chose to stick my head in the sand instead. I guess I'm only getting what I deserve for not being true to myself.

I feel like an idiot and a doormat, and that's hard to swallow. It makes me angry when I think of everything I put up with. Still ... I tell myself that loving him was not a complete waste. It is not a bad thing to know how to love. Some people can't do that, you know, feel love. Everyone needs to fall deeply in love once in their lives. Maybe that's what is wrong with my husband and, perhaps your wife. They haven't ever felt that, maybe they can't.

I will never love another man or trust another man in my life. Not to say they are all bad. Just that I don't think I am capable of pulling that out of me anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 1:50pm


You guys are great and I thank you for sharing your thoughts.

That very thing, that he will be vindictive, is what makes me afraid to divorce right now. I am certain I will when the kids are grown and I don't have to worry about their welfare as much. I don't plan to grow old with my husband.

I am afraid that he will either be hateful, like yours was, or else sink into a deep depression. Another thing I learned after D-day, was that he was somewhat suicidal in his late teens. He is a good provider, works hard, and he is good to his boys, at least. It's women he hates. His mother was evil and even with two years of therapy, I don't think it was enough. He will never trust women. He will always mistreat them to some degree. He has even told me that he mistreated the women he cheated on me with. He was not kind to them either.

My day will come. Every dog has his day, even this one. My boys will not always be young. They grow up and I will have my day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 1:59pm

Interesting what you said about your H not realizing that all his actions had an opposite reaction, the repercussions that were bound to happen. When I asked my H what the heck he was thinking, didn't he even think about me or our relationship when he was out there messing around? He said "No." I said why not? He said "It just never occurred to me. I never thought about it." My H said he never intended that we would split up over his confession. He thought I'd just get over it and life would be hunky dory as always with me fetching and scraping and him never giving me anything emotionally.

I think maybe they never have learned what boundaries were, what crossing the line meant, because other people, the person who molested your husband and my husband's witch mother, crossed the line so many times with them and they felt unprotected and like people have the right to mistreat other people and still be able to say they love that person.

Be thankful if your H has found some other woman to drive crazy. I often wish mine would just go ahead and run off with some tramp and spare me being the one having to hurt my boys.