Arrggh..I prefer his nastiness to his...
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| Fri, 02-03-2006 - 7:54pm |
..."dripping I'm such a super dad" routine...
He was instrumental in my losing my job back in November, though I may not be able to prove it in court per se. I had just had my 6 month review with a solid and encouraging conference with my supervisor...had asked to be considered for any part time positions that might open up for the next quarter. My supervisor had not indicated any negative toward that request - other than that he really didn't want to 'lose' me to another department!
Three days later, my ex pulled a cute one. On the beginning day of my parenting week, he called and left frantic messages on my cell phone, and unbeknown to me, also did the same with my supervisor and one other office mate, and left very urgent voice mail messages...some made up total lie about how his/our four year old son had just called him and said "Daddy...come get me please!" and that then someone in the background of the phone took the receiver away from the child and hung it up/disconnected it. He called the city police and then had me come to my leasing office. I went up there with a copy of my temp orders ... the police had already sent him home...(one of the officers was the same one who had responded last year when I first had gotten a restraining order against him and he called them with some bogus excuse for being allowed to come cross the 100 yards distance he was supposed to keep away from our house -- he said I had his cell phone and he wanted it back...you can imagine the police officers were real impressed with him even calling them, and seeing his parents and him in front of our house holding a video camera on us, and trying to gain access to the house.)
Anyhow there were three officers that were sent to my apartment complex...when I went over to speak with them, I explained it was the beginning of my parenting week and that my friend and neighbor was going to babysit the children (we often swap sitting for each others kids when needed.) I told the officers our four year old and the other children were with my friend; that she only has a cell phone as her and her husband do not have a landline in their apartment, and I know I had just walked the kids over to her place and my little four year old, #1. doesn't have daddy's phone number memorized yet, and #2 didn't have access to a phone anyhow.
I asked the officers if they wanted to go to her apartment and see where the children were or needed her phone number or anything and they said "No, just go about your business. You are allowed to make reasonable child care decisions when the kids are in your custody just like he is when they are with him...and you do not have to call and tell each other all the details for every single short duration when someone is sitting for your children etc. You are responsible to insure they are being cared for etc. But don't worry about this." And they left. I had been on my way to go to a counseling appointment that was going to take maybe an hour and a half max.
I was out of work for a long time and finally I have found a really good, but only part time position. The hours coincide with the childrens school hours and so for now it is a really good thing. My temp orders state that we need to inform the court, the childrens lawyer and opposing counsel within 10 days of any move or change of address. It does not specifically state anything about our job situation that I can find. Common sense means we both need to know a contact number for each others job for emergency purposes, and so I know I will have to tell him, but I admit I have delayed these two weeks since I began the new job as I am concerned about him causing trouble for me there as well. It is not something I can prove very easily and all he has to do is just make a few 'worried' dad calls or other of the same type thing and what if I lose this job too? I know I have to let him know, and I am only putting off the inevitable.
He is using the court-ordered family wizard site to post a paper trail of things he can probably give his lawyer to use against me. I try to answer only things related to the children and try to keep it short and not let him have any more information than I absolutely have to as he uses everything in his control-freak way.
So today I log on as I have to check it, and he has a message on there that as usual makes him sound oh-so-reasonable but the ulterior motive of it is to make it known that I have not yet let him know my work information, and also of course to remind the court that since he and his family own their own business as he has stated in court before, he has complete flexibility to get the children at any time he wants or needs to, as he can and does bring them to his office (in a light industrial area, with a machine shop in the back section behind the front office- real safe and practical for children 9 and under to be at huh? But the judge nor the childrens lawyer or anyone has questioned that yet either..)
So again the message is ever so slightly intimidating...he is letting me know I have to tell him where my new job is and a phone number etc, and he knows I will worry about what he may 'pull' ... that is intimidation, but not anyway I can prove anything or use it to tell the judge so maybe I could get a restraining order against him etc. Maybe if I ever get a lawyer, that kind of thing won't get very far, but as it is, he just does what he wants all the time.
Someone please remind me I am an adult. I am not dim. I can do this. I do not need to be fearful. And worse case scenario, if the same thing happens again then I can find another job right? Why do I have to keep talking to myself outloud about these kinds of things. I am a grown woman. I was in the military for over 12 years; I carried an M-16 on one shoulder and a videocam on the other when former Philippines President Marcos was brought in and airlifted off Clark Air Base as insurgents were coming over the base perimeter walls...
...yet I tremble at every threat this bully keeps in motion regarding him winning sole custody of my sweet ones. I need to be stronger.

Wait a daggum minute!!!! Sure, you have to inform each other about where you live and how to contact you...... but about a new job, no... I would say not! The person who is your children's caregiver needs to know that information. And if you don't tell him how to contact you at work, he can leave you a message at home or on a voice mail.... whatever... and you can contact him as soon as it's good for you. The catch is, if there really is an emergency with the kids, BUT..... if they are with him, then he should be able to "hold down the fort" until you're available because that's what responsible parent's do.
Next, he'll want you to tell him what your bathroom schedule is so that he'll know when you're "unavailable" to parent the kids while you're "busy". I mean, where does it end?
The only job information you should be "required" to tell him is via the courts and an income tax return to document your income for child support determination if your state uses your income as part of that basis.
He is just too much.... and I'm sending hugemongus boots to kick his hiney.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
What about getting a cell phone to be used as your emergency contact number... that way you could let him have that number and not need to worry about the possible things he could pull with your new work...
You can do this... from what you say, you are a very strong woman who has been through a lot in the military... unfortunely, this can be even harder to deal with because it involves the core and soul of your being, which can add so much to an ordeal...
Sending hugs and wishes for peace this weekend...
Julie
*Grins...
Thanks Karen...I chuckled out loud at your 'humongous boots' for kickin'!!
Maybe you are right, though the children have already prob told him where I am working but I just don't want to give him information with which to toy with me if I can avoid it. He does have a cell number, and a home number. I have gotten behind on some bills horribly, but try to keep the phone bill current. I replied something like the following at the website:
"I am glad you shared your concerns with me. My current work hours are very flexible, as you say yours are. Aren't the children lucky in that respect?"
K, going to read more about transactional analysis, be mature, take the little ones to the park, and later work on my crafts --- no more of 'him' in this weekend. Thanks gals! Annah