Asked for Separation

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2007
Asked for Separation
4
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 1:55pm

I told my husband I need some space yesterday. I know this is what I need because when I am alone I have so much clarity and when I am home my thoughts are suddenly cloudy. There are things I need to sort through and I feel like just when I make some headway, I go home and lose my footing.

I didn't expect him to be happy about it but he suddenly got very "go team" on me...telling me what we needed was to spend more time together, not apart to fix our relationship. We have been trying that since January with counseling and we are getting no where.

He almost roped me back in and then I realized that he was telling me what I need. No one knows what is best for me but me. I know what I need, I am a smart, self analytical person. A sudden flash of clarity came over me that he has been softly manipulating me and making me question my needs for a very long time.

I am finally ready to trust myself. And if I need space, then I need space. It shouldn't be a discussion, it should be a decision made by me and only me.

Just thought I would vent! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 4:20pm

Good for you inlimbo! I know exactly what you mean about needing that space to figure things out, everythings so clear when I'm away from my H too, but when he's around its much more confusing.

I think this is very much what I need to do. I've had it set in my head that my H won't give this to me, that its either stay or leave completely (probably cause he's said as much) but I wonder if thats really true? He's jumped on every thread of hope I've given him, why not take the chance that I might decide to come back if given real time to see what life without him is like?

So, what are your plans? Do you know where you are going yet?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 6:33pm
Good for you to vent and finally realize that he has been manipulating you. I think my husband who walked out 3 weeks ago is trying to do the same thing by trying to make it sound as if I was the one who walked when I have only been taking care of me. He constantly brings up that I started to make decisions on my own about my car and the house. Yesterday he also gave me some song and dance about well he doesn't want to try now but the divorce will take 2-4 months. He also asked if I was ready to move on. He didn't mnetion it but I know he noticed that I took off my wedding ring. I am not completely devestated by this breakup, but I think he is beginning to have second thoughts. He says he is not happy just relieved since he moved out. Constantly claims that he doesn't miss me. I know that I have been feeling like you it hurts but there is clarity in that you can make your own decisions and stick with them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 6:08pm

Inlimbo...what has happened?

I have told my husband 3 times now that I have wanted a separation. He will not stand for it. He also says, how can we change the relationship if we are not living together? I found an article on the web about "The Bomerang RElationship" which discusses the passive agressive husband. A lot of it applies to a tee.

The MC talks about a separation being successful when certain agreements and understandings are in place.

DD needs me. gotta run.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 6:15pm

That's a great philosophy you have there. Since it's all about you. Forget your husband and what he might want right? Gee, you remind me of my wife who decided to just leave and not even tell me herself. You two would get along swell. Thanks for allowing me to vent.
Let me say one thing about space. Being alone isn't all it's cracked up to be. The grass isn't always greener on the other side.