Asking DD what she thinks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Asking DD what she thinks
6
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 1:45pm

Is it appropriate for me to ask DD (age 5) what she thinks or what situation would make her happy? Or maybe a better question would be how much understanding does she have or how relevent is it? DD has seen us argue and fight (verbally). She's seen Daddy being "mean" to Mommy and tells me Daddy is mean to her. She's seen me cry. I've seen her cry (a little different though for 5 y.o.) I've asked her how it would make her feel if it were just the two of us and she says fine because Daddy is always mean to her. Of course, this is exaggerated. They also have fun times together, especially on Saturdays when he takes her to McDonalds and gymnastics. I asked her if she would miss Daddy and the response was "no."

I may be in the wrong to have brought this up to her in the first place, but I wanted to include her feelings in my decision.

Also, unrelated (and also posted elsewhere), every once in a while I am concerned about my safety. There was the story of the husband who shot his wife's lover (her 18 y.o. student) to death. My husband said he should have shot the wife first. I had a short-lived affair (2 weeks) almost 6 years ago that he's never forgiven me for and treats me like crap because that's obviously what I (don't) deserve. Does his comment about this other affair mean he would do that to me? I can't imagine it, but I guess you never know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 3:27pm

I don't think you should ask her. She should never be left under the impression that she is doing the choice herself - make the choice, and then explain it to her. It has to be your decision, even if you make it for her sake! she is too young (and will be for many years) to be made responsible for what is happening, and you cannot risk a misunderstanding!
I know that is not what you want to do, but you have to be careful that Lilly does not misunderstand you... it is funny how kids can hide strange ideas or guilt from us, only to come up with it much later.

Tell her and explain to her, but don't let anybody ask her to choose! Even the time spend with daddy, it will be a decision communicated to her, not a choice for her to make.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 11:53pm

Please do not ask her anything, nor discuss anything with her. She is not old enough to fully understand anything, nor should she be asked/required to. Yes, you want to make her happy, but as long as you are happy and healthy and treat her well, she will be happy too. I'm in a been there done that situation--only my daughter is almost 9. Asking this question of your daughter would be asking her, essentially, to choose between yourself and her dad. This will cause her untold anguish. Also, the guardian ad litem will not look favorable on you for ANY discussion about the case (or anything negative about her dad). Take it from someone who has been there. PLEASE do not do ask her to make any decisions about the case.

Becka

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 4:22am
If you ask her this at this age, not only is it inappropriate for her age, it is also setting you up for trouble down the road. If you always include her feelings and desires in all of your decisions, she's going to be running the show. She'll be going from your house to his at a whim as a teenager. It's so much easier to give her age appropriate decisions to make. At age 5, it's which outfit does she want to wear today. At age 12, it's whether she wants to do her homework and go to the party or just stay home. At age 16, it's whether she wants to get a job and keep up her school work or stick with less spending money and stick to the school work. At no age is it appropriate to turn the parenting decisions over to her which is what this is, IMHO. :)









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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 10:59am
I needed to read this today. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 11:41am
I think there was some confusion on my post. I'm not asking her to decide, but I was curious what she thinks. However, I will take all of your advice and not discuss the with her in the future. Of course I will be making the decision myself.
Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 3:52pm

I understood what you meant and understand why you were somewhat talking to her about it. I know my oldest feels pulled in two directions. I know she hates seeing her dad sad and cry, but she also wants to be with me too. The other two, ages 5 and 4 really don't know any different other than what they hear/see. The five year old has heard her father (well uncle, but he's the only father she's ever known) talk about how I don't love him anymore, etc. etc. and she asked me last night, "Do you hate Uncle J?" and I told her no and explained to her that I love him as a friend and then dropped it. They bring up stuff all the time. I even heard my 4 year old playing on the pretend cell phone one day and she was talking rudely and sharply and then slammed her play phone shut. I realized she was copying me. I realized I'd probably spoken to her father rudely and slammed the phone and she was just doing what I did. I make it a HUGE point now not to speak to him on the phone about important matters in front of the kids. If he asks me questions I feel will get heated I tell him I'm in front of our children and we'll have to talk about it later.

I think it's best to let them try to analyze everything on their own. When she has questions, she will ask you and you can answer her truthfully. Other than that, I'd let her bring up subjects that contain your marriage and you and your h. JMHO. Best of luck!