Asking for some advice .....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Asking for some advice .....
14
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 7:13pm

Things are still so not good. STBX is getting more & more crazed & irrational.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 10:19pm

Hi Rebecca,

Just a thought. I know you have your own attorney and all, but is it possible to speak with someone in a womens shelter or an abuse hotline that can help straighten things out for you? If you are feeling like you are walking on eggshells just to keep the peace , then he deffinately has the upper hand here.

I feel really bad for Averey. No child should ever have to be put in the middle like this. He knows that the one way to get to you is through her.Dec. 4,2001 is the day I left my ex.It's been a long time coming and I know it's not completely setteled but, he has calmed down tremendously. He used to use my girls to get to me and yes sometimes I have to bite the bullet to keep the peace. However if he ever did what your ex is doing, he probably would not have his parental privliges right now. We have met in front of a mediator. Never made it to the judge. He sent us to conflict resolution classes. Unfortunately this doesn't seem to work unless both parties are willing to let go of each other.

Both of my girls would prefer to live with me.(we have 50/50 custody)They love their dad but know that when it really counts ,I'm the one there for them 100%. I try really hard not to put down his faults in front of them. They pretty much figure it out on their own. I do try to sympithise with them.

What your ex is doing is total abuse to both of you. I would also be leary of even letting her go with him at all right now. He really needs to get a grip. You have been extremely compromising with him and he just abuses it. Don't let him keep playing mind games with you and Averey. You are both beautiful people who deserve so much more.Averey is a very smart little girl.Yes she does have some self defense mode going on there. I wouldn't push anything at all. He is responsible for his time with her. Don't refuse but let it be up to him to get her,call her etc. Ignore the content of his texting. Keep a log of what is sent though. You could let him know that you are giving up his responsibility and if he wants to engage in his time with her it's up to him. Put the ball in his court for a while and see what happens.

You could also see about setting up a specific call time for him and Averey. Then if he doesn't call her it's his own dumb fault. He couldn't blame anyone but himself.

Hope I have given you some ideas to work with.Good luck.

K:)

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 10:29pm

Rebecca,

When I first read your post, I was so blown away by what all is going on, I truly didn't know what to say, but having read this post, I do agree that it could be helpful to speak with a women's shelter or domestic abuse hotline, as what he is doing is definitely verbal and emotional abuse to you and your precious little girl...

I also agree on keeping a log of the text messages--what a great idea.... other than that I'm still here, trying to pick my jaw up off the floor after reading your post, but I wanted to know that I'm thinking of you and Ave and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 6:46pm
I'm sorry that you're going through all this. My ex is very irrational, but yours sounds worse. Your ex's behavior is appalling. I'm also going through a very, very rough time with my ex and I can empathize with you. You sound like you could use a hug. Do you have good family support and friends to help you deal with this? I hope that you're able to get sole parenting rights for now because he definitely needs mental help. Whatever happened to the naked lady in his bed? Sounds like he needs someone else to keep him occupied and off your back. Please know you're in my thoughts and keep fighting the fight and don't give up. I know I never will. One day we will be through the worst of this crap. Hange in there.....and hugs....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 8:48pm

Do get a log of the text messages from your provider, and I do hope that you're keeping up with her visits with him, as well as if she does talk to him on the phone and who called.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 9:17am

We are VERY involved in the Womans Resource center here. Thats where Averey gets her counseling & its the counselor & the court advocate from there who are the ones who pushed me to prusue some sort of supervised visitation again b/c of his irrational behavior. THEY feel he is very unstable & dangerous, & THEY are the experts in this area. Yet no one will listen to them!


& your right, the ONLY connection we have left is our dd & thats why he is using her to get to me. I haev absolutely got to work harder to nto respond to ANY innapropriate contact by him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 9:18am

Thanks for the support Julie - i too am SO blown away that this is the guy who really used to be an incredible father & was SO SO SO close to Averey.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 9:21am

Yep - i think mine wins the irrational award. Unfortunatly.


I do have WONDEFUL family & friend support. Truly, I am very blessed. & i have a great therapist, plus we have great connections with the people at the DV center.


I hear thru the grapevine he is still seeing that girl - but who knows. & from what i DO hear about her, she is

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 9:23am

Nope- i just called again. There is NO way to get the CONTENT of the messages printed out. The

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 4:47pm

Good idea for the possession change to be in front of the hospital...lots of people around and security guards available, no doubt.

Don't let anybody get you down for working overnight and using a sitter while she sleeps. I'd give my right arm to have that schedule so I could be with my kid after school. Seems ideal for young kids...hard on mom's sleep cycle, but good for the kid to have mom around. Maybe you could lobby your hospital for an overnight daycare on premises for staff? Cots for the kids, etc... I'm sure there are many employees searching for a good solution.

I just can't believe that last phone call...he scares me. Seriously.

Take care,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 9:51pm

(((Hugs)))


I'm so sorry for you and Avery. He is nuts! Good grief, holding a five-year-old responsible for their relationship! I honestly don't know what I would do in this situation other than what you've already said you plan to do. It's this kind of junk that makes me thankful that my STBX doesn't really want anything to do with the kids. He does jerk them around, popping in and out of their lives, which is awful. However, at least they aren't exposed to the things that poor Avery has had to deal with.

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