attending sports events ... again, help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
attending sports events ... again, help
3
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 12:56am

ok,

didn't have to worry about STBX last season with sons' football schedule, cause, uh, he wasn't around half of the time, and even though he signed twin DSs up for football, he didn't commit to taking them back and forth to practice, THAT was left to me.

fast-forward, circa-now, baseball's starting up again & since DSs have transitioned into STBX's home, he HAS to commit to practice schedules. well, there's a parent meeting tuesday, encouraging presence and participation of all parents of the bunchkin baseball players. ok, there are soooo many issues (mainly anger issues) i have with STBX, HOW do i possibly get through sitting in the same room with him (it's going to be at one of the team parents' home) in this intimate setting with allll these happy parents, loving couples there while me and STBX are snarling at each other. just seeing him makes me ill, much less having to suffer through seeing him act so fake in front of these people, always showing off so he can project his image that he's sooo important and has everything, his materialism and narcissism is too much for me to take! the laughing in people's faces and small talk with the parents, argh! while these folks don't have a CLUE that this same man who's perfecting this public relations campaign: abandoned his boys last summer, cheated on his wife, including skipping his sons' championship baseball game last year to vacation with his skank GF ... and now that he's moving into his new home with the boys', i know the next step is moving skank GF here, and into the house where my boys will be living!!; currently, she lives 2 hours away (that's a whole 'nother issue i have, which gives me night sweats).

anyhow, these folks also won't pick up that STBX is condescending, controlling, was absent most of his marriage, left us in financial ruins, and has been utterly brutal and hostile throughout the divorce process! but last year, he really got to people who thought he was the best person since sliced bread. "your husband is one of the most wonderful persons i know," said one team mom -- i wanted to correct her soooo badly last year by saying "Soon-to-be-EX idiot husband", but i did let the cricket noises speak volumes before i responded in deadpan fashion, staring her staight in the eyes: "well, i disagree with you on that."

ok, moving on, and then, there's the baseball games themselves, the dread, the sickness in the pit of my stomach of having to see him and skank at these games; won't be so bad with him, cause he's a base coach & will have to be on the field on in the dugout, but the skank, having to sit in the stands with her, (ukk!!) while all these other moms are happily married with their affluent lives -- life is soooo NOT fair!!

i once had alll that (or at least desired to have it), and now i'm suffering for doing the right thing, but unfortunately ended up with someone who found it more important to put his own self-interests before any of the goals and aspirations i wanted for our family.

i'm just so tired of it all; just when you think you've achieved peace, bam, something else reminds you that you're still very much in the land of chaos.

i had NO idea that divorce rocks your world to the point of pure devastation & knowing that you'll never be the same again is truly sad to me ...

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 6:07am

Awww, sweetie, take heart. I faced similar issues, being the only single mom on Joey's T-ball team last year... but honestly some of the comments I got at the beginning of the season (your dh and you can bring... there is no dh) were simply because they didn't know... I politely explained the situation and they understood...

Mind you, they don't want or need to know all the details... how bad it was, the financial ruin, etc, but you can tell those that need to know that they two of you are recently divorced and that these games and events surrounding the sport are some of the few times you ~have~ to be together...

You can't forget about your past... but you can start to take steps forward. Just remember to try to take the high road whenever possible... it will be well worth it in the end. The other thing to remember is that you can't judge a book by its cover--many of these seemingly perfect relationships really may not be, once you get below the surface of things. Just like everything else, take it one day at a time, and perhaps plan out a little reward for yourself for each game/meeting that goes well... :)

Good Luck!

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2006
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 9:23am

I can completely relate to your issues here. My situation mirrors yours. STBX and I have been separated for eight months, divorce in the works. He left me for OW, to start a new life. One of the hardest parts is seeing him around town, continuing his life as if nothing has happened. He has told very few people, and left me to the task of mentioning it to people when it becomes necessary, like car-pools, kid's activities, etc. My STBX's attitude sounds just like yours.....selfish, fake, all about image, just sickening.

He shows up to kid's activities when it's convenient, although I will say it is more often than not, but he does travel for work a lot. And, now he has to travel to see OW, because she lives out of state. But, I always think about that day when he will introduce her to our lives, especially our children, and wonder how I will act the first time she might show up to one of their activities.

It's ugly, and it's uncomfortable, but as the last poster said, you have to rise above it. Remember why you are there, to support your children, focus on them, not on him. I am new to this too, but I'm hoping it gets easier over time. As far as parent meetings, why do you both have to go? If it were me, I'd split up these types of meetings, either I go, or he goes, no need for both of us to go, and be uncomfortable surrounded by "happy couples."

I would also like to think that over time, and the revealing, that others will come to figure out what has happened, and that soon enough he will not look the same in other's eyes. If he created this mess, it will come back to him in some way. I always say, he can't keep her in a closet forever, he left our life for her, it has to come out sometime. And when it does, I will be the one with my chin held high, because I did nothing wrong. People will make their own judgements, and you will learn who your true friends and supporters really are.

I am learning too, that it is very hard to share friends with an ex. Especially when the friends know exactly what he did to me and our family, and still choose to remain friends with him, as if nothing has happened. I can still be friends with them, especially if we share children's activities, but it's on a different level. I find that by surrounding people who truly support me, and share my morals, and aren't affraid to stand up to them, despite many in society who sweep these things under the rug as a "mistake," it is helping me define who I want to be. I'm hoping it will help me rise above those uncomfortable times at my kid's activities.

We have just started finding balance in this area too, so I do know what you are going through. Yesterday DD had a basketball game, DS and I were in the stands, and STBX came a little late, and sat with us. I hate it, because it makes us look like a "happy family," but I also know that it shows a united front for our children, that even though mom and dad aren't married anymore, we can learn to find common ground to raise our two children, and support them. It is not easy, believe me, I too cannot stand being in the same room as him, but I have to get passed that, for my kids.

In the long run, my STBX and I know who is the stronger, person, with more courage than can possibly be imagined.....and it certainly isn't him.

Good luck.

Tis

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 9:37am

i once had alll that (or at least desired to have it), and now i'm suffering for doing the right thing, but unfortunately ended up with someone who found it more important to put his own self-interests before any of the goals and aspirations i wanted for our family.

Oh Yeah .... that's my story too! Except most people see that my stbx is a loser. Mine hasn't paraded a GF yet. I can't imagine how I will feel about that.

One thought ... just physically distance yourself at these games. Find *your* friends and sit with them. Keep your eyes glued on your son! And if you need to go cry outside or in the bathroom, go do it! DO not let yourself feel small; do not take in other people's opinions of your stbx as reality. Stand tall. And as you say ... let the crickets speak and smile that knowing smile (I know something about this ah you don't, trust me)

I know how you feel ... we face the same losses: economic, our home, my kids having a sahm! All of it! All, so he can indulge his selfish, self-absorbed self! Yep, wreaking havoc and harm to meet his own sick needs (that would be my stbx).

Obviously I still have alot of anger and sadness to work through ... Hope you can yours, too. Stick around. It is always good to share!

M