Is this a bait and switch???
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| Tue, 07-18-2006 - 8:50pm |
Delurking to share my visitation story. STBX told me last week he could take the girls on Friday night/Saturday Day. He is a bit behind on his 24 hours per week agreement due to being out of town. And we are leaving Sunday AM to go out of town for a week. Based on that, I made registered and paid for a music workshop that I have been trying to get to for the past 4 years and he has always been out of town.
Sunday he called and said his boss wanted him on a trip this week and he didn't WANT to go but felt it was required, but he wasn't sure, but he would fly out Tuesday if he was going. Monday he called and said he was still unsure what the plan was. Today he called and said he didn't think he was going, and he would be bringing the girls home on Saturday morning. What time? late morningish. What TIME? Between ten and Eleven. Because he has PLANS that afternoon---plans that were not a factor earlier in the week or could be cancelled in the event he goes on a business trip. But not important enough to tell me what the plans ARE. I said FINE, but I will not be home until 4 so we will have to get a sitter.
I think this is his tactic. He actually surprised me when he agreed I could go to the workshop in the first place. Once he realized that he had something better to do on Saturday afternoon, I think he just told me about the business trip to get me to cancel my plans. Then when he didn't go after all he would not be needed for SAturday because I had already made other arrangements. I am supposed to be grateful that he is taking the girls on Thursday evening so I can go to choir practice, so I won't complain when he backs out on Saturday's committment.
Plus, he wants me to bring the girls to him (80 mile round trip) on Friday afternoon. I said FINE I have workshops on Friday afternoon so I can drop them off at 2PM or 7PM, which would you prefer?
Finally he said, FINE get a sitter and spend the money. Which he knows I hate: what teenager wants to babysit in my unairconditioned house for 6 hours?
And On and ON and ONNNN!
THis is mostly a vent but if you have any suggestions I'd love to hear them.
And no, going to court to enforce his visitation is not an option, we have not yet signed our separation agreement and frankly, it wouldn't matter, because this is as good as it gets from him when it comes to spending time with his kids.
Grumpy

I am sorry that you are having a tough time with this! Just a word for the future, if you haven't signed anything yet make sure that there is language in the agreement that will lessen this type of behavior. My custody evaluator had me put in a clause that says that he must call the night before if he intends to exercise his parenting time. If there is no call, I can assume that he is not coming and make my own arrangements accordingly. The evaluator also wanted to put in a clause that said my x could not drop them off early,(he was manipulating that as well, long story). I did not put in the no early drop off clause because i thought about it and said "do I really want to force my kids to have to stay with him when he doesn't want them or when he has become frustrated or angry?"
Also document this type of behavior, keep a log. Courts/mediators want to lean towards flexible parenting time schedules because with "normal" human beings that will work out best for the kids. A manipulative/controlling person twists that "flexiblity" to use it against the other parent - in the way that you are describing. Also, be sure to spell out transportation issues. Unfortunatly, some people, like my xh, force us to be inflexible because of their unhealthy behaviors.