Be careful what you wish for...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2006
Be careful what you wish for...
3
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 3:34pm

you might just get it.

Anyone else here the one who left who is now regretting it? Is emotional neglect a legitimate reason to leave a 17 year old marriage? Now, that you've been gone for a few months and enjoying your independence do you feel guilty when you talk to him and he says he wants you back, will forgive everything and is willing to make changes? Is an affair forgiveable? Even though it was the wake up call you both needed? Can you ever get "it" back? Do you really want to?

So many questions. Any answers?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 6:17pm

I can only anwer these questions from my own perspective. I'm sure other will wiegh in as well.



No, I do not regret leaving my marriage.



I feel that it is. I left my 12-year relationship (7 years of marriage) largely due to neglect.



I went through this for many months after my separation. I did feel horrible guilt, and sometimes, I still do. I tend to have a guilt complex anyway. But I knew my marriage was killing me emotionally, spiritually, and it even felt like it was killing me physically. While I felt guily, I needed to do it to preserve myself.



I really don't know. I'm sure some people can forgive. I was never really able to forgive my ex for his EA while I was pregnant.


I learned the hard way, but returning to a marriage because of guilt is not the answer. I tried it once, and it didn't work, only to divorce a few years later.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2006
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 7:29pm
Thanks for your input, Christine. I guess I feel like preserving myself at the expense of my husband and son is being selfish. Why should I be happy when they're not? Especially when I caused their unhappiness. Right now, I'm feeling too guilty to be happy. Hopefully, it will come in time. I'm trying to learn to be patient.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2006
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 8:49pm
I totally understand what you're feeling. I'm just a bit beyond telling my husband I want a divorce (he's still living in the house with me and the kids) and I do feel the guilt pretty strongly at times. But, I know that it's what I really want and is an absolute necessary step that I need to take at this point in my life. I know in my heart that there's no turning back...it would be certain death to my spirit if I did as well as my and my children's future happiness. We know what we need to do to make our lives worth living but our choices are never made without some fallout...be it guilt, temporary regrets, etc. And, yes, emotional neglect is definitely a valid reason to leave any relationship. It is a form of abuse as far as I'm concerned. We know in our gut when it's over and time to move on. Good luck to you :).