To be or not to be civil after divorce?
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| Fri, 08-18-2006 - 10:55am |
I divorced my X because of some minor incidents of abuse. I am well aware of the “no contact” rule. I don’t contact him but he continues to contact me and come to see me. (We do have a 4 year old son so there will be some contact). Is it possible to be civil w/an abuser? If I set boundaries with him, if I do not allow any abusive behavior, can we just get along or am I just setting myself up for trouble?
I am tired of fighting. I’m tired of crying. I refuse to run away. I have been holding on to the hurt and the anger because I thought if I did he couldn’t get to me, but that’s the point, because I wouldn’t let go he was still getting to me. To find peace, I need to forgive (but not forget or reconcile). I am trying to take control of my life not let him continue to control me.
Any advice would be helpful.
Thanks!

Wow, this is a tough one. The fact that he was abusive. My ex was a cheater and we too have a son together 3 1/2. So like you I know there has to be some contact. I too in the beginning held on to the hurt and anger and I realized that in doing that it kept me stuck and didnt allow me to move on and past what happened. So I forgave him but I will never forget. I would like to be civil, hell I've tried to be. He fights it at all costs. He still has alot of anger towards me and is very bitter still so civil for us now just isnt happening. I dont let him in my house because I never know what's going on in his head. He doesnt even say hello when he picks him up or when he calls him on the phone yet on Mother's Day he gave me a card wished me Happy Mother's Day and has gone back to that so go figure. I find it down right disrespectful but hey to hell with him. Then with all that had the nerve to ask me to write a letter cancelling the child support arrears so he can apply for citizenship. HA! Can you imagine.
Do you let him in your house for the visits? Are you alone with him? I personally wouldnt feel comfortable. You have to be very careful and think of yourself and your safety and that of your child. You two must come first. Once I let go of everything I was able to find alot of peace. I haven't total peace yet but Im alot closer. Keep us posted okay and be careful.
yes you need to let go of the hurt and anger but it doesn't mean you have to forgive, forget, or be civil to him. its not easy ---- because you do have a son. in my second divorce, my ex was extremely abusive to my DS and I - but it was 'easy' (or easiER) for me to just not have any kind of contat with him,because we do not have a child together. (ds is from a previous marriage). even so, it wasn't easy - because i got 'used' to him, i got used to beng the 'enabler' etc.
what helped me was therapy, i learnt to break the cycle, and found a new style that suited me. it is important, if you do decide to be civil, is to work out for yourself what the boundaries are, and NEVER go over them. NEVER. for example, if he would ask you soemthing personal ('are you seeing anyone') you need to give him the 'look' and do not respond to that kind of question.
You know, they always say that the best was to really get to someone is to not let them get to you.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~