Bedtime phone calls...
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 05-19-2006 - 10:49am |
The only time my stbx and I talk for the most part is when he calls my daughter before bed. For a bit I just handed her the phone and didn't speak to him (I was so much less stressed then!) but since the disagreements about the sep agreement we've been talking/argueing during those calls.
Well last night my daughter was waiting for the call (it's a habit for her now) and he never called. Today I had to call and ask him to pick up her medical records from the hospital up his way and he said he didn't call because he "didn't want to". He says that he wasn't in the mood to argue with me so he didn't bother calling.
I don't want to argue with him. I want him to be there for his daughter when she wants to talk to him.
He doesn't even know the next time he is going to visit our daughter. Wouldn't you be thinking about that kind of stuff if you were the non-custodial parent?
I really need to stop getting wrapped up in their relationship...I just don't want him hurting her the way he has hurt me. ALWAYS putting other women or work before me.
The other night he called after she was in bed and the call was late because he was out car shopping with the OW.
Any constructive advice would be great.

My stbx calls our girls nightly also. He almost never sees them bus he does call. This is a habit we've all been used to forever, since he was more often than not out of town for long periods during our whole marriage.
For the first few months after the separation, I spoke to him cordially each night helping the 2 yo talk to him. And showing the 7 yo that we would still get along, and that for her things weren't changing that much. We've never fought or argued during these calls as this was their time to say goodnight to their Daddy. Any coversation between us during this bedtime call was only regarding the kids and mostly chitchat. If one of us needed to discuss something with the other, we would call later after the girls were in bed. This was a carryover from our marriage also - we never had sensitive discussions or arguments in front of the kids.
The nightly phone calls have now evolved to very little conversation between my stbx and me unless I answer the phone, and even then it's just a hello and then call the girls to the phone. Again, if we have any issues to discuss then they are delt with at another time so as not to taint the children's conversation time.
Of course this only works if both parties agree. Good luck.
Trudy
When my daughter had an allergic reaction a couple of days ago I text messaged him 3 times telling him about it before he would even give in and call!
I called him today at work because I can't get a hold of him any other way. I had to have him pick up our daughters medical records from her allergist up by him.
It doesn't matter what I say to him when we talk he considers it rude or arguementative.
It's so frustrating.
my stbx calls before bed,unless he "forgets" (how can you forget to call your kids?)and he too rarely sees them..
I have found the best way is to let the kids answer the phone..my kids are 7 & 9..they look at the call display & if it is him they answer the phone..I have told him I will not stop them from answering the phone ..but I don't want to talk to him...the temptation to fight is too great...
when we first separated I would answer the phone but more times than not he was out at a bar & that just made me angry!...he has a time frame in which he is to call them..if he doesnt he can leave a message..I find that now, 1-1/2 yrs later they want to talk to him sometimes & sometimes they dont answer the phone..I leave it up to them
I don't know how old your children are..I don't know if this would work for you..but it seems to work for me..for now
My daughter is 2. Tonight my ex called and she was already asleep. Perfect opportunity to talk about other issues that we HAVE to discuss and he says no because he's not in the mood!
I informed him that I'm going to see an attorny on Monday and he's not pleased. He seems to think I should just let him run this show anyway he pleases. He's trying to convince me that he'll be so poor if he pays support to us. Whatever. We use to live off his paycheck just fine.
I'm going to let someone else figure out the numbers and all that and just take it from there. I can't stand negotiating child support!!
It is VERY hard to have limited contact when you are trying to negotiate the terms of divorce and child support. If my ex and I had communicated better during the divorce proceedings
I just wanted to add that he's so content spending all his money on his girlfriend (they were out car shopping the other day, for a car she wanted) that I have no choice but to just go through the courts to get support. This is going to cost us both money that we could have used on bills or something but in a few months things will be better and I won't have to continue trying to communicate with him over "terms".
I've been told that in time things will be better...I'm counting on it!
I have 2 points.
1. Depending on how old your dd is, if you know its him, why isnt she just answering the phone? Mine is 6 & when her Dads caller ID comes up, i hand HER the phone b/c we CANNOT communicate civally (well, *I* can, lol)
2. You are talking here, to teh QUEEN of trying to MAKE my X be a good Dad.
Sounds as if he is trying to control you. & you are letting him to some extent ... & believe me, I am speaking from experience.
Of course its important to let him know about
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The problem or issue I see with this situation is that it sounds to me as if you are still hurting from the fact that you are now facing a separation/divorce situation. Sometimes we don't see things clearly or want to admit what is really going on.
I am not saying this to be negative in anyway, just giving you an outside perspective based on the situations I have been directly involved in as a paralegal. I have learned that there are always two sides to a story and being female, I also understand how our hearts work and how we can let our own need to "strike back",because we are heartbroken,drive our thinking and behavior.
I am not sure how old your child is, but it if the child is young, he/she probably is not waiting by the phone for the parent to call. In fact, look at it this way, what is your earliest recollection of your youth? For me, I can't remember anything prior to being about 5-6 years old (and these days, I can't remember anything anyway! :)) So, if your child is young, it would be more likely than not that you are the one who is wanting her/him to call. It is highly likely that it is more important to you than your child for the call to come in because it still gives you some type of connection to the marriage.
This can only hurt your child if you allow it to. Meaning if you bring it up or say things to your X in his/her presence. I know it is difficult, but in the event that your child is older, you will just need to take the "high road" and do what all parents never want to do and be the "excuse maker" for the X spouse. But sometimes in order to protect the children, you will need to do that. After some time goes by and the anger, hurt, frustration wanes a bit, you will be able to see clearer, but for now, it's your job to protect your child from the hurt.
The other issue that is hard to deal with is the fact that we as parents cannot CONTROL or MAKE the other parent do what we feel is best. The sooner that we realize that, the less stress and chaos there will be to endure for you and your child.
Being ugly and rude is an easy trap to fall into and trying to force our wants and needs on someone, especially someone who we feel is hurting us and our child. However, it usually just makes the other party disconnect or push back and the situation gets no where. If your STBX decides that she/he is not going to participate in the childs life, what are you to do? Nothing. You just have to deal with it and be both Daddy/Mommy yourself.
I encourage you to just be there for your child. Protect him/her from the emotional fallout of a relationship that is ending. In the end you will be a better parent because of it. Then one day, your child will come to you and thank you for not making him/her an emotional basket case over an adult issue. Love your child like there is no tomorrow and the courts and attorneys work out the rest. I wish you luck!
Edited 5/21/2006 10:10 pm ET by got2bkidding