the beginning of the end

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
the beginning of the end
33
Thu, 06-19-2008 - 3:02pm

Kinda sounds like many of us are getting closer and closer to the finish line in these races toward sanity. I met with my STBX yesterday for about 4 hours with my suggestions for taking this back from the hands of particularily his lawyer who seems to think we have assets worth fighting over. I went through the deposition from hell 2 weeks ago which this lawyer dragged out for 3 1/2 hours grilling me over book purchases and so many irrelevant things that it was obvious he needed to raise his billing hours for the month-at $300 an hour his bill alone will be $1,500 to conclude that as a retired librarian I enjoy reading-Add to that my lawyer's fees and the court stenographer's and it was a total waste of money we don't have. My lawyer and I have suggested an arbitrator but STBX's lawyer wants this to go to a jury trial. Less billable time with arbitration???


The most amazing part of the 4 hours with STBX was hearing him express how badly I hurt his feelings while I was responding to the unrelentless badgering by his lawyer during the deposition! I hurt HIS feelings...Geez-this while the lawyer demanded that I BUTT out of my kids' lives-I did butt out and didn't remind either grown son of their dad's birthday or father's day (it's not like they don't know the dates) and STBX was hurt that they didn't contact him-


Anyway my suggestion was a 50/50 split of liquid assets (CD, stocks and bonds, 457K)-no alimony-with me receiving 60% of the profit from the sale of the house. Our home is 5 years old and has considerable equity built up.

Avatar for iladyja
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-20-2008 - 1:33pm

Well Yoo hoo for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 06-20-2008 - 4:25pm
I do think that if I ever met someone again, it would have to be in a situation where I could get to know the person in a normal way, like at work (no chance there, though) or in a club and get to like each other, it would be so much better than trying to get to know someone while on a date.
Avatar for iladyja
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-20-2008 - 8:02pm

Yea, I know what you mean.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Fri, 06-20-2008 - 10:45pm
Hey iladyja, I am currently seperated from my H, he left in Nov 07 to live with ow,we were married almost 27 years. He too was in the military and I was wondering if you can give me some pointers how how I can make sure I get my share of his pension. He was 15 years active and almost 6 years national guard. He is currently working for the US Post Office and is "buying" into his retirement. Can you please let me know as you find out what I need to do to make sure he cant screw me out of that too? I am actually getting ready to fill out our marital settlement
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Fri, 06-20-2008 - 11:03pm
Hey daisymaes-mom, I am feeling exactly as you have described!! I cant believe IM here also! My husband has been fence sitting since he left pretty much Nov 07. I have tried all I can to keep this from heading for divorce, but Im done, he has proven to me through his actions that he has no desire to make things
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Sat, 06-21-2008 - 6:23am

Daisy,


My divorce will have been final for 3 years on July 6th.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Sat, 06-21-2008 - 10:26am

I wish I could shed some light on mediation for you-my understanding from researching options and talking to my lawyer is that mediation is a give and take session with an independent mediator whose job is to see that you both reach a settlement-your STBX and his lawyer don't need to be in the same room with you and your lawyer if that has become an issue-The mediator however can only make suggestions and either party can stop negotiations and the limbo starts again. An arbitrator, which is what my lawyer is suggesting is also supposed to be neutral and negotiates but can make the final decision just as if a judge were present. There is not as much give and take guarantee the way I understand things and you both have to agree going in to let the arbitrator decide. My STBX's lawyer has been a divorce lawyer in the area for over 30 years and my lawyer is a younger former asst. DA. I do have some concerns because of the dirty way I've already seen this other lawyer operate that he would have influence on any arbitrators. My STBX doesn't want arbitration because of the cost but his lawyer is pushing for a jury trial where the costs would skyrocket. We don't have much because I always outearned him and am now retired. My feeling is that now that I am no longer the bread winner he doesn't want to take care of me. Yes, I feel like he "owes me" but that is not the real world.


I keep thinking I'll get to a point where it is simply not worth the aggravation to continue and I'm pretty much there now. I did discuss an option with my STBX which has him giving a little but nothing considering the upheaval my life is now in. My therapist has recommended that I not "rush" things after going this far but is it worth sanity to validate my worth in a 30 year marriage? He is never going to "get it" doesn't realize the pain I am in and actually has become the victim pointing out how much I hurt his feelings during a deposition in which his lawyer was basically destroying my contributions to the marriage by saying how much STBX suffered while I was working full time outside the home, inside the home and attending grad school. He has no clue about suffering. Unfortunately he'll never get it so I am beating a dead horse.


Nov. 07 was the month my husband decided he deserved more in life too and I haven't seen any change in his attitude after giving him space. Instead he rewrites this entire episode each time we see each other making this all about him. I guess it is all about him and if I can get out of this house and move on and for once have it all about me things have to be better.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Sat, 06-21-2008 - 10:37am

Thanks! I do realize that in the long run I will be OK. It is, as you say, this life in limbo, that is so difficult to handle. I worry that because the house sale will prolong the limbo that I can't move on. I am in no way worrying about moving on with relationships because I do think that once someone does this to you it is impossible to trust again. I am fortunate in that my sons are angry with their dad although he plays that up as another way in which he has become the victim in a divorce he has asked for. He blamed me for them not contacting him on Father's Day. This after his lawyer told me to Butt out of their lives-they are adults and remind me often that he has chosen to leave all of us not just me. That will truly become his greatest loss but, hey I am butting out of it.


Hopefully before another year ends this will be behind me and if I can figure out a way to get out of this house so that I can move on things will get better. I never saw this coming and feel so shell-shocked still after 7 months. It will take time but time really drags when nothing is moving forward.

Avatar for iladyja
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-21-2008 - 11:18am

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Sun, 06-22-2008 - 6:15am

I never really saw mine coming either.