On behalf of my sister

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2006
On behalf of my sister
4
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 4:48pm

I just found this board and wanted to pose some questions about my sister's situation. She is not likely to post, so I am doing so on her behalf. We are discussing the divorce quite a bit though, and I wondered if I could get some feedback. She is getting to closer to a settlement and is starting to get scared. I think one reason the divorce has dragged on so long is her fear of the unknown (initial papers were signed a year ago, and he has been out of the house and paying her enough to pay bills every two weeks, regularly and on time). I have lurked a little and I don't think her situation is that desperate - the STBXH is not a bad guy. They are both at fault here. There was no cheating on either side, just incredible immaturity, many years of nothing but hostility and juvenile, self-defeating hostile behaviors, overspending, fighting, etc. They both have a lot of growing up to do that they were unable to do in their relationship.

She has paid a lawyer 35,000 for what looks like nothing. They've been to mediation and the H didn't agree to anything. So after some thinking she made him an offer that he was more likely to accept, which also seems fair at face value. On the phone they have agreed to split their property as follows:

Sister:

Big house worth 350,000 with 140,000 mortgage
35,000 debt incurred for lawyer
53,000 consumer debt
401k
really crummy car
she pays into college fund
she has a good job, will get rental income from part of big house

Husband:

Small house worth 110,000, no mortgage
53,000 consumer debt
401k
city pension which they put 60,000 in
He pays kids' medical insurance, more or less same as college fund.
A good truck
he's a cop, steady job.

Joint custody with no child support. Three kids, girl 11, boys 9 and 5. They will trade kids every Wednesday.

This is what they've agreed so far.

To me the biggest problem is that the lawyer has told her the pension is worth 250,000 to 350,000. But other than going to trial, this is moot, because the H doesn't agree. They have been to two mediations and agreed on nothing. Trial would cost her additional money and would drag the divorce out many more months.

They have also agreed that she put $200 every two weeks into a bank account from which they would pay clothing and school expenses, also recreation costs (movies, etc.) While he would pay the same amount into a trust fund for the kids. The college fund only pays three years.

My opinion is to forget this arrangement. Forget the trust fund, just have him pay some child support and she pay the expenses that come up. But if she asks for this, it is likely they will have to go to trial. At this point, she has no more money for the lawyer, and cannot borrow any more. Does it seem reasonable to have an agreement where they split these costs this way?

Opinions please, I will be glad to fill in some of the gaps and also post later about what eventually worked.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 10:27pm

I talked to a level-headed acquaintance, and he said the deal sounded reasonable, saying that "the perfect is the enemy of the good." Meaning it was a good deal, and to try to get something better would just cost her a lot more money and heartache. I still would like some feedback from people who have been there. I was divorced many years ago, and we spent very little on the lawyer - there were no kids and we worked out the property ourselves. We paid a small fee to have the agreement drawn up, and we were so happy to be divorced that at the hearing, the judge wasn't sure we were ready to be divorced (we were). So this kind of hostility and spending 35,000 on a lawyer and to not have made any progress - it's a mystery to me.

Has anyone else spent this much on a lawyer and had things drag out for a year?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2006
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 12:42pm

I thought I'd already updated, but I just wanted to say, my sister and her H have agreed on all the details now and will be pretty much splitting everything down the middle - property, debt and custody. The lawyer is drawing it up. He will put $150 every two weeks into a college trust fund and she will buy their clothes rather than pay into an account for clothing and recreation. They will each pay recreation as they see fit.

My sister spent 35,000 on a lawyer whose plan for the past year was to get her more than half of everything. They would have wiped out their consumer debt by selling their rental property, leaving the H with no home and paying hefty child support even though he earns quite a bit less than she does. Every mediation failed to reach agreement, and she ran out of money to afford a trial. So ultimately, she had to consider his POV. It's not like he was some kind of cheating bum - just a human being, equally as functional and mature as she is. However they have had a very upsetting and hostile year of separation with the both of them threatening the other with financial ruin.

So no need to respond, I guess thanks for just being here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 5:04pm

Thanks for the update!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 4:48am
I lucked out by finding a great attorney. My aunt is a divorce attorney, but she wanted blood from my stbx...and she would have had to bill me her going rate...it would have been very expensive and I would have had to sell my home to pay her. She realized this and referred me to my current attorney. I told my current attorney upfront that I didn't want to drown in legal fees. I typed up an initial settlement agreement and had my stbx initial it. (He was, I'm sure, relieved not to have to deal with my aunt.) My lawyer told me it was a good deal -- to take it and run. I had to give up entitlement to any part of his pension, but that was the compromise I had to make. My lawyer said to remember "nobody is going to win" in a divorce. Everytime I think about his pension I remember those words.