being a child
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being a child
| Sun, 04-03-2005 - 2:09pm |
Hey girls,
I came to this board because I am going through a divorce. I browsed through a lot of posts here, and noticed how many of you are talking about your children's relationships with your exes. My situation is different (my husband and I don't have children). I can't pretend to understand the pain and hurt a mother can go through when her baby is leaving to spend endless hours or even weeks with the ex. However, because so many of you struggle with giving up your children to "daddy days", I decided to write this post. Why? because I was on the side of the child.
My mom and dad never had a good marriage. I was little and cowering scared of their screaming at each other. I was so afraid they would get divorced. I come from a non-religious family, but at about 4 i learned to pray by myself, begging Him that please my parents stayed together... But they didn't.
Now, my mom is a very strong, domineering and authoritative woman. My father, on the contrary, is weak, soft, a pushover and completely lacks initiative. As they were getting split/after - my mom was making it very hard for my dad to see me. When he wanted to take me out, she would say demeaning things to him in front of me. Now, and from your posts, I understand why she did that: although she is strong, she was scared and lonely, and I was her "only" job and companion.
Now, my dad begged to see me, and when we were alone, he would kiss my hands and arms telling me how much he loved me... I think he was sincere...
But he couldn't handle the obstacles my mom was putting to him seeing me, and requests to see me became more and more rare, he grew more and more distant - and then our times together stopped. Granted, you will say, he is a pushover, he should have gone thru court, should have fought to see his daughter - you are right. But he was too weak to do that (which may be why my mom wanted to be outta marriage in the first place).
But I would much rather have a dad, even a very weak and a pushover one, who would perhaps every so often kiss my hands, now that I am going through divorce... He doesn't even know I was married.
what am i saying? if you make it hard for your kids to see their dads, you may well succeed in pulling them apart. But it is really not in your child's best interest. It makes adult life so much more difficult.
Find something to do when your kids are gone. Go get a manicure, volunteer, nap, get a lover... We all need dads. I can't believe I am crying.
I came to this board because I am going through a divorce. I browsed through a lot of posts here, and noticed how many of you are talking about your children's relationships with your exes. My situation is different (my husband and I don't have children). I can't pretend to understand the pain and hurt a mother can go through when her baby is leaving to spend endless hours or even weeks with the ex. However, because so many of you struggle with giving up your children to "daddy days", I decided to write this post. Why? because I was on the side of the child.
My mom and dad never had a good marriage. I was little and cowering scared of their screaming at each other. I was so afraid they would get divorced. I come from a non-religious family, but at about 4 i learned to pray by myself, begging Him that please my parents stayed together... But they didn't.
Now, my mom is a very strong, domineering and authoritative woman. My father, on the contrary, is weak, soft, a pushover and completely lacks initiative. As they were getting split/after - my mom was making it very hard for my dad to see me. When he wanted to take me out, she would say demeaning things to him in front of me. Now, and from your posts, I understand why she did that: although she is strong, she was scared and lonely, and I was her "only" job and companion.
Now, my dad begged to see me, and when we were alone, he would kiss my hands and arms telling me how much he loved me... I think he was sincere...
But he couldn't handle the obstacles my mom was putting to him seeing me, and requests to see me became more and more rare, he grew more and more distant - and then our times together stopped. Granted, you will say, he is a pushover, he should have gone thru court, should have fought to see his daughter - you are right. But he was too weak to do that (which may be why my mom wanted to be outta marriage in the first place).
But I would much rather have a dad, even a very weak and a pushover one, who would perhaps every so often kiss my hands, now that I am going through divorce... He doesn't even know I was married.
what am i saying? if you make it hard for your kids to see their dads, you may well succeed in pulling them apart. But it is really not in your child's best interest. It makes adult life so much more difficult.
Find something to do when your kids are gone. Go get a manicure, volunteer, nap, get a lover... We all need dads. I can't believe I am crying.

Thank you so much for sharing that with us..... and I can believe that you were crying... and it's OK.
I hope that your story will inspire someone else to bite their tongue and try a little harder..... because we are ALL worth it!
HUGE hugs to you!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hi and welcome to the board. I didn't have the same experience as you did with your mother, but in any case I did not grow up with my father either. I have the same belief that children need both parents except in the most extreme circumstances. My mother always encouraged a relationship between my sister and I and our father, even though he really hurt her and even though he was a drug addict. Unfortunately it was not enough, and the pain of his abandonment is a part of me and always will be. Have you ever read the book "The Wounded Woman"? You might find it very interesting.
Although I know many of our members are struggling from being away from their children, not all are. For some it is just part of the process and I believe most will overcome it. Part of the reason I stick around here is to tell others how joint physical custody and co-parenting can be successful endeavors, and so beneficial to the children. It is not always possible of course, for many reasons, but I want everyone to know that joint physical custody can work well even when you don't live on same block. I don't believe I am more important to my dd than her dad is, I think we are equally important in her eyes (even though I am clearly the better parent, lol).
I am sure you will have a lot to offer on this board, and hopefully we can offer you something as well.
I'm not trying to be negative here, but I really don't agree with "needing a dad in your life." Things are not always black and white, and everyone's situation is different.
My father was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive to my mother. My mom and dad actually divorced twice, once when I was in the second grade, and the final time when I was sixteen.
I remember begging not to go with my father, but having to anyway. He would take me to his house and wrap his arms around my legs and cry. I remember feeling very uncomfortable. There were times that he would wake me up in the middle of the night and tell me that I was sick. Drive to my mother's house and as soon as she opened the door he would drop me...literally drop me on the floor and start chasing my mother around. He just used me for his own advantage. He would also take me to seedy bars in bad neighborhoods, leave me in the car, and tell me not to get up from the floor board until he got back. When he did come back, hours later, he would pile nasty women in the car with us, take them home with him, and lock me in my room until he was finished doing whatever he was doing with them.
My mother did everything she could for me, and tried many different things so I would not have to suffer these horrible visitations with my dad. However, since he didn't physically abuse me, the court said I had to go.
Where is the line drawn? Our children are people, and they deserve the rights that any adult has. If we as mothers, and even fathers, cannot protect them, then who will or can? Who will fight for their rights? No one fought for mine except my mother, and all her efforts were turned to deaf ears.
Needless to say, I do not have a relationship with my father. I never needed it in the first place, and I am perfectly fine without him in my life.
While my ex is not this way with our daughter, he shows many signs that reminds me of my own dad. He shows no affection toward our daughter. Today, after her visit, she came home with bruises on her bottom and back side of her legs. He says he doesn't know what happened.
I'm not just being some overprotective mother who just can't take it when my baby is away. I am truly concerned for her well being. If my ex even showed one ounce of ANYTHING toward her it would be a completely different story. He is just using our baby as a tool/weapon to get to me. When he drops her off she is totally exhausted and completely filthy. He basically pushes her in my arms, and leaves, without even hugging her or telling her goodbye. There are no "I love you's" to our baby, there's nothing.
So, while I believe that in most cases, children do need a father in their life, as long as they are responsible, mature men who love and want to take care of their children. However, I believe that this is not always the case, and in some instances, maybe rare instances, the child may be better off without them in their life. And not to bash all males....it could be just the same if it was a neglectful mother.
Once again, I'm not trying to be rude or bitter....just wanted to add my two cents.
Kait
I agree.... and ya know, I have my DD in counseling.... she has been for over a year and a half, now she sees her counselor about once a month... and it's the BEST thing that I ever did for her.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~