being harrassed again :(
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being harrassed again :(
| Sat, 04-30-2005 - 1:52pm |
Well guys, I've had about two hours sleep within the last 31 hours, and my STBX is totally raking me through the coals. My regular job is at the post office, and I had to work at 6am on Friday until 3pm, then had to rush home and go DJ an awards banquet, then I get in bed at one in the morning and have to turn around and go back to work at 4am, so here it is almost one in the afternoon, and I call her and tell her that I really need to rest and that I'll pick Ethan up at 4. Well, she says that that's not gonna work for her, and I try to reason with her about the lack of sleep I've had, and she lives 35 minutes away. So we start yelling at each other, and naturally, it turns into every other problem with our marriage and divorce, how she has to work a job (which, incidentally, she did not work in Ethan's first three years of life) and now it's my fault because I wanted the divorce, etc, etc. It's like she's holding it all over my head that she has no social life and I get "everything"... which, I guess means my freedom. I can already see a problem trying to negotiate with her on the weekends that I have to work or have a gig. How can I make this work without losing my temper? And as far as a babysitter, where am I supposed to find somebody that will watch him at four in the morning on some Saturdays when I have to work overtime????

Hi. Please just remind her that your goal is to have Ethan stay with his parents, and not some stranger. I don't know how big of a city you live in; where I live there are probably people willing to take on overnight care but, again, we are talking about a stranger. I am having a similar problem w/ my STBX. I will hopefully be starting a job soon and may have to leave the house at around 6:20. My girls need to catch buses at 7 and my infant son needs someone to stay with. When STBX lived at home he provided his care but now all of a sudden having to drive over here is cutting into his sleep time and he doesn't know how he's going to manage it. There are only 5 weeks left of school so after that I will bring them to him. Trust me, I would rather not have him in this house after the things he has done and how sneaky he is, but I want my kids with their father and they need to be with him. I know he needs his sleep. I worry about his ability to watch the little one when he is too tired. Is she saying why this "will not work for her?" That seems a very vague and selfish statement. I know it is hard to think of the kids first. I feel responsible for my divorce, but I did not want it. My STBX are both hurting and angry, but I seem to be the only one who is moving forward and NOT punishing the kids on any level as he is. How are you doing? I hope you can work this out. It is hard enough on the children without them having to be shuttled off to some stranger at a time like this. Maybe you can put it that way.
Good luck.
Basically Rose, she apparently makes all these plans with what I think is her new "flame", but she has to understand that I'm struggling trying to take care of bills and manage things, and it's not that I don't want time to myself, and it isn't always like this; I rarely do a gig on a friday night, much less have to work a few hours later on Saturday morning, but I can't not work, I have to be on the overtime desire list and when they schedule you, you can't not go in, and she should understand that. And yes, she has quite frequently held him over my head, kinda making me feel like a babysitter instead of his father. I'm just ready for this whole thing to be over so I can get on with my life.
~David~
Hey David.
I gotta tell you, it is nice to have "the other side" of the story on the boards. It totally challenges me and I LOVE it!
I, myself, have complained about my ex changing plans because he "has to work". In my case, my ex lies, A LOT. and has cancelled with the kids to go off and do "single" things like 4-wheeling with his GF or camping. I guess that's why it took me so long to reply.
I didn't want to sound like I was taking sides, being in those positions where my X has cancelled or tried to change times and things.
The bottom line is, your X HAS to separate her feelings about you from what is best for your son. If you were to take your son after working all those hours, would that be best for him? I mean, you would be completely beat. That's not quality time, at all. If it were me, I would have said, ok no problem. Lately, I have been thinking before I respond. Maybe ask your ex to let the machine pick it up when you call? You can leave a message and she can think about it BEFORE flying off the handle at you and making things uncomfortable for you, her and your son. I have done that, my X calls me and leaves a message. If he wants to change payment amounts, visit times or cancel all together, I will give it a day to think about it before deciding to respond. That cuts down on the anger that goes back and forth and we are able to co-parent without me being p-o'd at him. Of course I don't hold a grudge either.....
It's hard being in your position. You are the single dad making the best out of what you have. You are maitaining the house, working, being a parent. It's tough! It always seems like the grass is greener on the X's side, no matter what position you are in.
Try and keep the peace with your x. Send email, leave messages, do something to let the anger subside for awhile on her end. Her plans are hers and not your problem. Her taking that out on you is not right. Although I have gotten angry when my X cancels and we can't do what we had planned, I get over it, because there is NOTHING I can do about it. She will get to that point sooner or later, I promise.
Hugs,
Angelena
I can see the situation from both points of view. From your STBX's POV, she feels you have much more freedom than she does, so she may see you calling to reschedule on short notice as taking away what little time she has or that you don't value her time. So maybe when you've both cooled off, you could try broaching the subject and explaining that you know that there could be occasions in the future where you're called in to work on fairly short notice. Tell her that you can't control this, but at the same time you do recognize that this inconveniences her and want to see if you can come up with some solutions to try and minimize friction between the two of you. Do either of you have any close friends or family members who might be able to take your son for a few hours, either as a favour or as a paid babysitter, when you can't help being late picking him up if she already has plans that she can't easily change. Or look into some babysitters either near her home or yours where she could drop him off and you pick him up when you're able to, in the event that she has plans that she'd rather not change. Also discuss with her the possibility of you being called in to work while you have your son and how she feels it should be handled - would she prefer you try to find a babysitter, or to call her first and see whether she can care for him. Hopefully if you make her feel like you value her time and want to be considerate of her, she'll be less likely to overreact to small scheduling changes. It's also possible there may be times when you're called in to work and you can't find a babysitter and your wife may not be available (eg. if she has gone away for a weekend) - can you refuse overtime in this instance?
She should understand your POV, but she doesn't have to. She is probably not sure why you don't get her POV either. I wonder if you are both doing more talking than listening. It's hard sometimes to understand where the other person is coming from, but if you put some effort into it, it will usually pay off. It's really difficult for anyone to make last minute changes, and in general it's a put off when you have to make sudden changes to accomodate your ex (even when your ex is nice, that's your ex and it's frustrating to be tied to your ex's life sometimes). I agree with the poster that said she might not feel you value her time. This is just a perception on her part, and you might be able to change her perception if you try. The two of you should sit down and create a contingency plan, or work out a custody schedule that does not conflict with your work schedule. If there is a contingency plan, you don't have to call her up and have a brand new discussion and come up with a last minute solution, you just call her and say you need to implement the contingency plan. It's hard to resolve anything in the heat of the moment.
Perhaps there is someone you work with in the same boat, and you could trade babysitting when each of you gets called in (unless it happens on the same day of course). Think of what you would do if you were a single parent with no co-parent and you got called into work, what would you do? Would you find some way to get a babysitter to be on standby? Would you change jobs to accomodate your child's needs? Maybe thinking of a solution from that standpoint (if you couldn't use her as a back up) might give you some other ideas.
If you do have to pick your son up late through no fault of your own (and it's infrequent), is she open (and are you open) to making up that time with your son by extending the visit on the back end? Or making it up by getting an extra day during the week? If she feels you have all the freedom and she has all the responsibility, could you work out a different custody arrangement that gave you more parenting time and her more adult time? I have 50/50 custody of my dd and when she is with her dad (very important and needed time for dd), I can do laundry, grocery shop, go to a movie, read a book, take a nap, clean, date, or whatever I need to do for myself. If I was still married, I would negotiate to have that time for me. If I was in your ex's shoes, I would have a hard time fitting all that into two weekends a month.
Feeling like a babysitter instead of a dad is common for fathers that see their children EOW, and it's common for fathers who are still married too. My therapist says he's been called his child's babysitter several times and it irks him to no end. I think the best advice there is that you know you are his father, you act like his father, he knows you are his father and nobody can make you feel any different unless you let them.
I was away last week but I am always glad to see a man on this board. I hope you can stick around. We have a lot of custodial parents, but not enough non-custodial parents, and seeing both sides can be really helpful sometimes. I am neither a CP or a NCP, I an a joint-custodial parent, which I think puts me right in the middle. Welcome.