Best Decision or Biggest Mistake?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2008
Best Decision or Biggest Mistake?
3
Sat, 07-05-2008 - 5:15pm

I am new to this whole message board thing...in fact I have never done it! Hope it helps.


I am 23 years old and have been married to my husband for one year on Monday, we have no children. I filed for divorce last week. That being said I wonder if I will be strong enough to go through with it.


He is not a bad person, he has not cheated on me or treated me horribly in any way. I had very serious doubts about marrying him before the wedding (we dated for 2 years), but went through with it anyway. We had not lived together before the marriage and I thought that would make things better. Since and during the honeymoon things have been AWFUL! I have no passion or respect for him, and have lost all attraction for him. I have been in such a dark place the past year and even began taking anti-depressants. I began counseling in October and have continued to go by myself once a week. I have been very honest with him from the beginning about my feelings. All of my support system seems to think I would be a much better person on my own.


My problem is since I told him in May that I wanted a divorce he has been heartbroken. he writes me letters and cries on the phone, and begs me to come back. How can I not love someone who loves me so much? He was not surprised by the decision because I had been asking him to go to counseling and he refused. Now of course he is ready to go and will try anything...he says. I don't love him, but I feel so sorry for him and I am so overwhelmed with guilt, confusion and sadness. I am also lonely and think maybe I could settle...or learn to love him again one day???? He says all the right things????


Any advice or words of wisdom would mean so much! Thanks :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2008
Sun, 07-06-2008 - 4:24pm

Wow, I feel like I was reading my own story, with a few differences. I am 27-years old and have been married for only a year and a half. The only difference with me is that we have one child (15 months old). I separated from my husband 2 months ago and have been too afraid to file for divorce yet (not sure why), but I sent away for the paperwork this week. I feel exactly the way you do - not sure if I am strong enough to go through with it.


Like you, I had doubts from the beginning about marrying him and thought things would get better. I knew even as I was pregnant that it was wrong (don't we always know, though). Like you, I have no passion or respect for my husband and now whenever I see him to let him spend time with our son, I am physically repulsed by him.


I am so struck by what you said about feeling "dark" and

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2008
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 1:03pm

Your words certainly hit the nail on the head. I guess that I KNOW all the things you said to be true, however hearing them from someone else helps :)


I absolutely do not love myself, so I feel like the love he does show me is such a sacrifice for him. I feel like I don't deserve him. He does everything for me! It took every ounce of strength I had to actually file for the divorce. Although I can't say that I felt 100% better after I did it...it felt good just to make a decision. Today is our 1 year anniversiary and it is very hard becuase a year ago today we had so many plans for our life together that have just fallen apart.


But, I am trying to be strong and remind myself that it is not just about me. It helps me to remember that as "sad" as he is now he deserves to be in a marriage with someone who loves him as much as he loves me.


I don't know??? It is a confusing time, and I know exactly how you feel when you say you think about staying just because it would be easier. I don't envy your position that you have a child...that is extremly hard I am sure :(


Maybe we can draw some strength from each other!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 4:23pm
One thing is for sure and that is your feelings are clear.