better than ever, yet not -crazy?
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| Sun, 08-06-2006 - 8:52pm |
Hi. Here's my story. (You can skip to the last two paragraphs for the questions.)
I got separated in May (Happy Birthday and Mother's Day to me :( )when my husband locked me out of the house. I took out money from our savings account. He told me if I put the money back he would let me in. I put the money back. He didn't let me in. He got temporary custody of our two sons, ages 3 & 5, after I've been a SAH Mom for the past 5 years. The other half of our marriage I worked full-time too. He is a work-a-holic nice guy, and yet has been emotionally abusive and manipulative with me. His being a hard-working nice guy blinded me to the abusive side of him. But I woke up to it. It is now hard for friends of ours to believe what I'm saying about the abuse and manipulation. They don't take it seriously - it's hard to believe such a nice guy could be like that. Heck, I was fooled for a long time. So now I don't have any friends to turn to, let alone I'd probably just depress them more anyway for what I'm going through.
Anyway, I've been lonely for a long time, as I have always supported him in his going to school (improve his earning potential as the main breadwinner) and his business ambition with a side business in addition to his regular job, and also him practicing and playing in a band. While he's been pursuing all these things I've been at home caring for the boys, making sure they're fed and playing with them, teaching them, and cleaning the house while I keep an eye on my two busybodies. I would tell him I appreciated how hard he worked for us. He would say I could do better with this or that with cleaning the house - it just take a minute to do x. It also takes just a minute for a boy to get himself into mischief or trouble. (Also begs the question, if it just takes a minute, why doesn't HE just do it then?) He says if this were a paid job, I should be fired. I know I did a decent job, but felt nothing I did was good enough for him. He says I've been ungrateful. Really? I don't think so. He's been ungrateful of me.
I've emotionally gotten used to being by myself. But now it's different without my children. I have my good and bad days. I feel better since he's not there criticizing me all the time, or manipulating me and getting me to question own self and reasoning. Basically calling me crazy (which he portrayed well in court, and I had only but one day to prepare for hearing). I suggested marriage counseling and we never did go. The last time we spoke, he rolled his eyes in contempt at marriage counseling and then said I needed therapy. In other words, he's fine, I'm not. I always felt like he always blamed me. Now this statement makes it apparent just how true that really is.
Anyway, I've actually been feeling much better without him. I've been able to step up the number of classes I'm taking, using GI Bill benefits. So in a year I will have my degree and have boosted my earning potential. Right now I rent a room at a friends house. I have no stuff. He's filed divorce asking me to pay his lawyer's expenses. He makes more than twice as me btw. He's trying to manipulate me into letting him keep the house. Despite all this, for the most part I am feeling much better than I have in a long time!
What I don't like is I don't want to be with a man again, yet I do. Like I said before, I've been lonely a long time. I've been emotionally divorced for longer than just two months. Yet, I know I shouldn't even be thinking about going out, even if just casually to have company. That's all. I guess it would be easier if I had friends to hang out with. I don't have family here either. So that's why I'm posting here. To find support.
What bothers me is myself. Why do I want to go out so soon? It's not official yet. Please someone, tell me I'm not the only one. What can I do? What have you done to grow through this? To change and not make the same mistakes?
TIA
Jen

Hi Jen... I read... a LOT (Favorite Books).
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~