For better or worse. . . and worse. . .
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 12-17-2005 - 8:15am |
I am struggling with whether or not to divorce my husband. We have been married 8 years and have 2 DDs ages 5 and 2. Early in our marriage he was constantly tearing me down emotionally and I haven't forgotten it. He has never made our home and family a priority, he is so irresponsible and childish I feel like I have 3 kids instead of 2. As a former teacher, I recognize ADHD in him, although he has refused to get a diagnosis. It makes him so hard to live with. I have had enough! My DDs deserve to grow up in a peaceful home where Mommy isn't mad all the time!
My problem is this: I vowed to take him as my husband, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, etc., etc. It has definitely been for worse and poorer! How can I feel okay about breaking those vows when there has been no infidelity? (Speaking as a Christian, and the Biblical stance on divorce)

hi and hugs...
when you live with someone who is emotionaly abusive, then its very hard to move past the abuse. and if he continues to act the way you are describing - then you (both) need help. no offence, but I don't think that you should be making diagonses on your husband. i am not saying that you are wrong in your diagnose -
you are right that your DDs deserve to grow up in a peacful home where mommy isn't mad all the time
I cannot answer your questins 'as a christian' since i am jewish, but i know that there are always different interpretations to the bible.
Hugs, Brenda
Hi Jujud,
I am a husband whose wife has filed for divorce. I am just torn up over it. I too take my vows seriously. And i feel the same way you do...divorce with no infidelity....so hard to come to terms with. yes marriage is hard work and it is a struggle at times....you are clearly going thru hard times now and have been for awhile.
As for you husband, can you have anyone talk to him...family close friend someone who might be able to reach him. Does he know how his actions are hurting his girls? I don't know your husband but there has to be a way to reach him. Have you shared your feelings with him and how serious this is to you, your family and to the 2 of you?
I'm not where you are....no one can decide what the right move is, but I would say try please... unless there is danger to you or your children. Is he religious? How about your priest? These are just thoughts that i'm throwing out there. But try to tell him talking to someone won't hurt the marriage but can only help.
I hope and pray for your family.
John
Hi sk1960, Brenda and John,
Thanks for your support, everyone.
John, I have read your story. You're still in love with your wife, and I know that would make it difficult to let go of your marriage.
I "fell out of love" with my husband a long, long time ago. We have been through counseling at various times in our relationship, and his promises to change his ways have always faded away as he got comfortable and felt I wouldn't leave him. He is a stubborn, stubborn person who won't listen to anybody, and has made many foolish decisions that have cost us dearly, not only in terms of money but with our families and friends. He is on his 7th job in our 10-year relationship. He has lost some jobs and had poor performance reviews in others.
On the day I "left" him, I briefly considered turning the gun that he gave me for our 1st Christmas together on myself. He saw me with it. We had been arguing because I had a terrible headache that morning and needed his help with the kids, but instead of helping me he went and trimmed the neighbors' yard. (He was not being paid for this; the neighbor is in better physical shape, makes more money and works far fewer and more reasonable hours than my husband, so there was no reason for him to do it except he likes to hear people talk about what a nice guy he is; I saw it as just one more way he was putting others before us; there are so many things he has neglected at our house and I can't do it all by myself. He always says he doesn't have time or money to take care of our place, but he has plenty of time and money to go do something for anybody else.) Anyway, after I put the gun away, the argument continued. In my frustration, I slapped him, twice, then proceeded to pack our children's and my clothes to go to my parents' home. When I started packing he called 911. I was arrested and taken to jail for aggravated domestic assault (I have never, ever been in any trouble before, and I'm 34 years old).
While I was spending my 12 hours in jail, he took our children and our neighbors out for dinner in my van. That night, instead of taking care of the girls himself, he had a neighbor bathe them and put them to bed while he went somewhere (never found out where) with her husband. When I was allowed to return to the house to get my clothes, he had removed my house key from my key ring and hidden all the extras. He told all the neighbors that he was being abused and now my "best friends" refuse to speak to me. They, and his family, cooked and cleaned for him during the time I was under bond and not allowed to go home.
I am now required to attend Skills Against Violence classes for the next 6 months. I know it was wrong to hit him, and I definitely won't do it again. At the moment I just felt there was no other way to get through to him. I think I could forgive him for calling the police--he didn't know they would arrest me and he cried and begged them not to take me--but his behavior afterward is something I don't think I will forget or forgive. He has admitted to me that no, I did not threaten him with the gun, but he didn't tell that to the D.A. and told her (according to my lawyer) that he didn't want to just dismiss the charges altogether.
We have talked with our minister and a marriage counselor several times since all this happened--marriage counseling was even part of my sentence--but we have since stopped going because I don't want to save the marriage. I guess my biggest thing right now is just that I've been thinking about the vows I made, and I'm feeling conflicted because I think there is no way I can live with this man any more.
At the present, I have the children (he works 2nd shift and there's no way he could take care of them; plus he has no idea how to take care of them, he's always left that up to Mommy) and we are in our home. Legally it will be a nightmare, because we have no mortgage (the house was paid for in full by my parents--yes, I do realize how very lucky I am in that way), and both his and my names are on the deed. Ugh! I am really between a rock and a hard place.
I didn't intend for my whole story to come gushing out like this; I guess I just needed to let it out. I do realize that I am at fault in many, many ways. . . Thoughts?
jujud
Hello JuJu,
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
Hi Jujud
Wow!! You have been thru so very much! I am so sorry for what you've gone thru.
You have obviously tried very very hard. I had no idea what had happened. You should take comfort in knowing that you have tried. You need to do what is right for you and you children. It looks like you have done everything you can possibly do and then some.
As for me....I keep trying. I just can't help it. All i want is for us to try and make it work. We owe it to our selves and our children. But again you have tried and you have continued to hit the wall with your husband.. We have different stories but the pain is still the same.
I hope and pray for you. Know that you have done your best!
Talk later
John