BF having Emotional Affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2011
BF having Emotional Affair
2
Mon, 12-09-2013 - 2:26am

My bf of 8 years brokeup with me when I wanted to confront him about a girl (S) he had started showing interest lately (they had exchanged about 200+ emails in 10 days apart from their daily meetups). We havnt spoken to each other for 2 months since that day, although he occasionally emails me, to which I do not reply.

 

Flash back

In 2009, we had a brief breakup of four months when he was caught spending excessive amount of time chatting with a girl (M) on the net. He begged me to come back and even followed me to another country where I had gone holidaying. That time I asked him to cut any and all contact with M to which he agreed and promised.

 

Now

Just a couple of weeks back I found out that he actually did not break any contact with this girl (M) and they have been calling, chatting, texting and meeting. I blindly trusted him for all these years and now I am very hurt and angry. I feel deceived and betrayed.

I want to know if I should confront him on my latest discovery (about M and his secret meetings and chats) or let time take its own course. I want to heal and move on. I have been writing and keeping a diary about my feelings, but it has not been very helpful. I sit and talk to myself, assuming he is in front of me and vent my anger and cry. Still to no avail. I am on anti-depressants and low bp pills.

I feel I should sort this issue with him one-to-one and ask him WHY?? On the other hand I am not sure if this is the right approach. Please, I need guidance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Mon, 12-09-2013 - 3:01pm

You were with him for so many years, so it's going to take probably a good year or more to start feeling okay again. I would not speak to him again. What would it matter what his answer would be? He chose to put emotional energy in a woman other than you and ruined his relationship with you because of his behavior. He's not going to change. He had a chance to cut the other woman off and put all of his energy into fixing his relationship with you in 2009. He chose to continue on with the other woman. You did the right thing by breaking it off with him. You deserve someone who makes a commitment to you, and you only. Feel free to grieve. You've written out your anger and feelings which is good, but at some point you should stop, because then you're rehashing all of this negative past on a daily basis, and it will keep you stuck in this bitterness. You will have to stop bringing your past into the present, which makes it your present, even though he's not physically around. 

If I were you, I would start spending some time with girlfriends. Doing some volunteer work might bring you closer to feeling well again. When you're doing good for others, it may take your mind away from your own problems. Take up a new hobby like making pottery or painting classes or cooking classes--something new that will bring joy to your life. I'm sorry you're going through this. With time and the support of friends, you'll come through this horrible time. Good luck.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 12-11-2013 - 2:34am

Hi Mausmi3

I'm really sorry you are hurting. I, myself, would not bother talking anything out or trying to get the answers to his 'why' because I don't believe I'd be getting honest answers...and would just stop all contact. I'd figure I gave him a chance and he proved totally incapable of being faithful to me.  I would not even do him the courtesy of a formal ending. I wouldn't care if he followed me to the end of the earth begging.  Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me.  I'd grieve through my loss and move on.  Safire had some good suggestions.  Now is the time to surround yourself with people who love you and can support you through this.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader...EAS