Blinded by Love or Money?
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| Sat, 07-15-2006 - 2:40am |
I’m torn don’t know what to do....…I think I’m in denial phase......I’ve dated my husband for 7 years and now married for 6 years (13years). He is 9 years older than me; we started dating when I was 23 and he was 32. During our dating years I was attracted to him not only because he was very tall, dark and handsome but also because of his layback soft spoken southern ways. He is very romantic, likes to cook and he is very handy around the house not forgetting a loving father to our 2 year old son. From the beginning I noticed that he was not financially stable but as a Generation X woman I wanted to prove that I could not only carry my weight I could also be financially supportive to my family up to a point.
Well……the point has reached the end. He is very happy with me, I’m starting to think is because for the past 6 years since we have been married I had picked all the slack financially. For the first 3 years of our marriage my husband did not have a job. I worked hard for him to pick and choose an industry he wanted to be trained in, but for some reason he was following the loosing industry. Dot.com bust, outsourcing to other countries, bad economy for investing, real estate bubble, you name it!!….It seems that he was just following any industry at the loosing end. By the 4th year finally he decided to take a low paying job to help out only to discover that I was pregnant and I no longer could work since I was a part time swim suit model. The 5th year was the best I felt in a long time. He got a decent paying job during the pregnancy and I took my first year off only to be short lived, by the beginning of the 6th year he was back to no job again he was laid off. His got no savings, no financial plan for our son and I feel his drive to work is not there! I bought the house, I bought the car I make sure the bills are paid!!
My Generation X pride has changed....I don’t need to prove my financial independence as a woman. What I want now is to be able to be a mother; raise my son and have a husband who gives some kind of financial security. Is this too much to ask?
I think I’m heading for Divorce!!!! We are separated and it hurts!!

My 2 cents:
Hi capricious--You posted to my post above, thanks. I so get the generation X thing. My husband is (was) a new immigrant, and is more limited in his job choices (no excuse though, he is perfectly capable of making a dime) But I saw the whole thing as romantic and I was willing to foot the bills until he got on his feet. I'm a professional and have always been a "power to the woman" kind of person. But scr@@ this, it is one thing to be capable and independent, but having such a weight on you is a whole different ball game.
And when a child comes into the picture and it is THEIR future that he is wasting, it is too much.
If I ever get involved with anyone else (which I can't imagine right now), I WILL consider their income, not because I want their money, but because I am not footing all the bills ever again. I want someone who sees a better future for themselves.
I, too, divorced someone who was good at sending what little he did make on himself and toys!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Financial issues are a HUGE stressor in a marriage. I was married to someone who made a very good living on paper, but he was so reckless with money we had to live paycheck to paycheck, we owed the IRS tens of thousands of dollars, and in the end, we could barely meet our basic expenses. The sick feeling of having no financial security used to weigh on me. I even asked him once to get some life insurance, just in case anything happened to him. Because I wouldn't have been able to pay off the house by myself, pay all of his outstanding bills, etc. He told me life insurance was bad luck, and if he died, I should just sell his car....good plan, huh?
I don't have a concrete suggestion as to how to fix this, other than giving him a specific timeframe in which he needs to improve. I'd also suggest financial/marital counseling. Good luck!
I think I need to be on this board and posting under this topic.
I too am a GenX lady. M for 12 years, one child. H's family is wealthy, but H is lazy as all get go. He's held a full-time job with benefits for 3 out of the 12 years we've been M. The other years he's been going to school on his father's dime (masters degrees). The latest fiasco was bombing a student teaching stint to obtain his teaching certification. One needs certification to teach in NYS.
He is sort of a SAHD to our son (who is high-functioning autistic). I hit my breaking point this year, at long last. It dawned on me - like the one poster - I am the one paying for the mortgage, the taxes, the energy bills, the car insurance - you name it. Why am I in this M?
I work in a field where I am able to "Swap" shifts with people and get at least 4 days off during the work week. I work Sat & Sun for them. I'm cool with being the primary breadwinner. I like being the primary breadwinner.
There is only $25K left on our mortgage. I should be able to pay that off in January. When January hits I'm outta here - he can have the house and he can have custody of our son. I've never wanted to be out of something as badly as I want out of this. But all in due time. At least we still get along.
Rebecca,
I have to tell you: I LOVE your favorite quote. "When someone shows you who they are: BELEIVE THEM." I just wrote it on my bathroom mirror so I can keep it in mind while I'm dealing with my STBX. I'm also a nurse and agree that I'll be financially better off without him. Thanks for the encouragement.
Theresa
I learned that quote about a year prior to my finally BELIEVING it!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~