Breaking Commitment to God...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
Breaking Commitment to God...
45
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 3:03pm
Does anyone have a problem breaking their commitment to God? I think I care more about that than hurting my husband and family. Any other Christians struggling with this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2007
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 4:56am
I struggled with that for 32 years. It was the only thing that kept me in a horrible, one-sided marriage. I did find that God gave me much Grace, but the point came where I realized that my husband had broken that commitment from day one, and I no longer felt the grace to go on. I was so hurt and angry I was afraid I would commit murder if I stayed! When I left, I felt such a huge burden lifted. I felt I could breathe again. There is the verse about letting the peace of God rule in your heart. For the most part, I do feel at peace with my decision. But I think it is very sad that it had to come to that, and I pray God forgive me for breaking a vow to Him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2007
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 12:57am
I totally understand and agree with you I think that is #1 on my list. I sleep with my Bible and pray constantly and want his will FIRST. My husband abandoned me and the family and is off doing his own thing so I feel all I can do is hold on and ask for Gods will. i would never want to go against his will.
Doreen
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 5:28am

I don't think God ever required us to stay. We did. My stbx also broke that committment long ago. His mistresses were alcohol and porn. Yet I stayed thinking that's what God wanted me to do. I don't think God ever intended for me to live as I have for most of our 28 years together (there was a few years where stbx found God that were pretty good but then his old addictions came back and he decided he'd had enough church to last a lifetime).

For the past several years, my motiviation has been my children and not wanting to put them through a divorce. I find myself dealing with a lot of anger towards stbx because of all the crap I've put up with for their sakes and he goes and leaves because *I* am making HIM miserable???? You've got to be kidding me.

I think many of us older women were just raised to believe that it's our responsibility to keep the marriage together and WE decided that's what God wanted. I don't think God ever required us to do what we've done. I think it had more to do with our own pride and not wanting it to look like WE'D broken our vows. God knows what went on in our households.

While God knows I stopped trying a few years back and that probably was the end of our marriage right there, he also knows that I could not win. The only person who can help the addict is the addict and until they want to change, nothing changes. Too bad it took me this long to realize that I'm powerless in this situation. I should have moved on years ago and I think God would have approved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 5:30am
Smart lady but don't cofuse your wishes with his will as we so often do. Your marriage vows have been broken and you have been released from them. Don't let anyone, including him, tell you you have to take him back if he comes back. Do the right thing for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2007
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 11:31am
The thing I struggle most with is my faith. I prayed nearly every day of my married life that God would put some love in his heart for me. I believed that if He could move pharaoh's heart according to His Will, certainly He could put a little love in my husband's cold heart. But it was one prayer He never answered. And the thing of it is, I would have settled for a little respect. But I've come to realize that most men are self-seeking users, and they don't respect the women they use. I still pray, and I still read the Bible at times. But there is that nagging doubt in my mind that maybe God is angry with me, or does not love me. And I haven't been to church since I left him. Just before I left him, I went to our pastor (it was a very fundamentalist church of my husband's choice, not the denomination I was raised in). For the first time in 32 years, I broke down and began telling the pastor some of what I had been put through by my control-freak, domineering, demeaning, demanding, lying, manipulating husband. But his reply was a rebuke to me to go home, seek God and His Word for strength to be the Christian wife I should be. Basically, I don't think he believed what I was saying, and I hadn't even told him the worst of it. My husband was and still is a deacon in that church, an adult Sunday School teacher (all power positions, you know) and a huge contributor to the church. The pastor refused to meet with me again unless my husband were present. Only two people every visited me or called me after I left the church. One to try to convince me to repent, and come back, a godly and submissive wife, the other who sees me occasionally, but I know she also maintains a friendship with my ex. I very much feel a spiritual void in my life, but a hesitancy to ever join a church again. That's my biggest struggle right now. I'm so sorry you had to deal with all the filth and lies and betrayal that comes with living with someone addicted to porn and alcohol. That's horrible. My ex also had the sex addiction stuff, even though I don't think he ever physically was unfaithful to me. However, he was very sneaky and on the road a lot, so who knows? But I remember how sick I felt whenever he came on to other women in my presence, or I found him looking at victoria's secret catalogues or something worse, with that look in his eyes. It reminds me of what Jesus said about the sin of commiting adultery in one's heart. Is it even possible for a man to be truly faithful to one woman?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 1:03pm

Well if you look at the story you refer to, Pharaohs heart was hardened and because Pharaoh was already a man of wicked intent, he served the perfect purpose and in the end it caused him is life.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 6:22pm

Doncha just love fundamentalists? The answers are always so black and white. If only life were that simple.

I struggled with religion for a long time after leaving a fundamentalist faith. Still do but it's getting better. I'm, slowly, working my way back now that stbx is out of the house. It helps that his leaving actually answers so many of my prayers. He's not drinking, for the time being, he's actually trying to be a dad, for the time being and since he's left, I've been able to get off of my anti anxiety meds. I just don't need them anymore without his chit to put up with.

Hopefully, you'll see some answered prayers in your leaving. What are the positives? Do you think those are things God wants you to have?

While I believe God answers prayers, sometimes he answers our prayers for someone else to care about us by getting the person who doesn't care about us out of our lives. He can only prod men. He can't make them follow. Sounds like our stbx's don't prod well.

Mine has no use for God. Says he had enough church as a child for a lifetime. He says that religion has never done anything for him (we all know it's all about what is done for him, ugh). Not much for God to work with there.

Sounds like yours is too arrogant for God to work with him. He sounds like he needs to be brought to his knees but controlling people don't change. They are always controlling just like my self centered ex will always be self centered.

I'm going to try out a divorce support group in a church about 15 miles from where I live that is supposed to be really good. I'll let you know how it goes. I think you can find support for divorce in religion. Just not fundie religions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2007
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 4:42am
Thanks for putting some very important things in perspective for me, Di. You are right. God does give us the right to choose. And in spite of my fervent prayers, my xh could choose to resist and reject any promptings by the Spirit. And I know that God Himself will judge him for that. And I know that God will also bring that pastor to account, and it will not be pleasant, because He has said in his Word that He holds those in positions of authority in the Church at a higher accountability. It's too bad that more pastors don't study more on marital relationships and especially areas like abuse. I have always hated legalistic doctrines, but maybe being around rather legalistic teachings for so long, I came to believe that God would hear my prayers because I was working so hard at trying to be a good wife and Christian. Maybe that is part of my spiritual depression now, and I can't be blaming God for that. I have made a conscious choice to forgive, although I struggle with putting it into practice as certain things come to my mind at times. But you are right, forgiveness is necessary for true freedom. My xh's mother suffered much the same sort of treatment from her husband, and it really grieves me to see how bitter and bound she is by that, even though she is very proud of the fact she stayed in the marriage. I will focus on my relationship with my Heavenly Father as you suggested. I know in time I am going to want to seek some sort of Christian fellowship, though, too, because I really miss that. I am just going to be very selective of where I choose to worship. By the way, I loved the experience you shared of meeting your ex and his girlfriend on the street- how funny is that! I imagine he is digging his own grave in more ways than one...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2007
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 5:11am
I very much want to know how your support group meetings go. It's striking me as I sit here reading your reply what a contrast in churches there can be. On one hand is a church like I was in, where everyone is quick to make judgements based on appearances. You wouldn't believe the dirty looks I get on the street from those church members, and they have not a clue what went on in my marriage or who I am or who my ex is. On the other hand are the churches who are out there offering support groups to the hurting! Maybe I will try looking for one in this area. It will just be very hard for me to talk about my experiences, having kept silent for so long. I look back at most of my adult life now and feel like such an utter fool. As far as the positives go in leaving, they are so many and so profound I don't know how I could begin to list them. Basically it is the difference between drowning in a cesspool and living in the sunshine. Or the difference between a life of bondage and slavery and one of freedom. I rejoice in every little new found freedom, things others probably take for granted, like being able to choose for myself the music I listen to. I am so very grateful, also, that I can honestly say I no longer love him. It is a horrible thing to truly, unconditionally love someone who does not return that love, but instead, uses your love to his own purpose to further control and use you. Just before I left, something happened that caused my heart to go utterly cold towards him. Not in the hard, hateful way his was to me, but utterly void of all emotion. I remember the very moment it happened, and I just stood there looking at him, amazed that I should have been such a fool to have loved him, and sacrificed and given so much to a man like him. As a result, I finally could leave. Because I had thought of doing so many, many times before, but couldn't bring myself to carry through with it. And now whenever I see him, I don't get all torn up inside or anything. It just seems weird to me that I could love him like that and put up with what I did. It sounds to me like kicking out your stbx was not only the best thing for you and the kids, but for your stbx, also.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 5:35am

"It will just be very hard for me to talk about my experiences, having kept silent for so long."

I understand completely. Prior to stbx announcing he was leaving, I rarely used the word alcoholic. And then it was usually someone else saying he was one. The only way you can live with things is to not accept them for what they are. When he left and I was faced with handing the girls over or fighting, suddenly, all the ugly had to come out. All the things I've hidden from the world for so many years. Unfortunately, it looks like retaliation for him having left but it's not. I was only staying for my kids and I was not going to hand them over to someone who drinks to excess on a daily basis.