Breaking Commitment to God...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
Breaking Commitment to God...
45
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 3:03pm
Does anyone have a problem breaking their commitment to God? I think I care more about that than hurting my husband and family. Any other Christians struggling with this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2007
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 7:07am
Just think of how much of our lives you and I lived under this shroud of darkness because of our spouse's sin and our silence. It is going to be hard to do, but I think it is so important for us to bring things into the light. I love that expression, into the light. For me, just talking on this message board is a huge step.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 7:12am

It is but it has to be done. You can't fight something you hide from. I'm just glad no one gave me a lie detector test right when I filed. I had been hiding our dirty little secret so long it felt like I was lying to finally bring it to light. Fortunately, we have a professional alcohol assessment that says what I've always known and denied. He's an alcoholic.

Funny, he listed himself as a social drinking, having maybe one or two, on his Match.com site. I got quite a chuckle out of his descriptions of himself. Makes me wonder how much of what is posted there is honest. His sure isn't. I guess the name of the game is lying when you're looking, lol. I can't do that so I guess I'll stay off the sites. I'll stick with singles groups for a while where I can meet people and size them up for myself thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 11:49am
I personally don't feel like I broke any commitment to anyone, especially not God. My husband lied and cheated and I asked him to go to couseling or to at least talk to our priest. He refused and said he wanted out. I didn't want this, but hindsight is definitely 20/20 and I am happy now.
I also agree with another poster who said she should've left years ago, but stayed so as to not break my vows. I was raised Catholic, truly believe, still, in "til death do us part". I am very active in my parish, with my ds starting 1st grade at our parish school this fall. I will pursue an annulment, when my divorce is final, so that maybe, if I ever find someone to trust enough again, I will be able to start fresh. My parish doesn't have a group for divorced people, but some do. You didn't mention your denomination, but I believe that if you could find a group that you are comfortable with, it may help you to be around others in your same boat.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 3:12pm
I feel for you. I'm in my second marriage (first was a drug abuser and abusive, only lasted 6 mths), and now I'm trying to be a good christian wife. My husband isn't cheating on me with a woman, his obsession is golf. I think it would be easier to accept that he loved another human, but a sport? He's gone all the time. We don't really spend any time together as a family, and the little we do is all about him. I have a 9yr old from a previous relationship and so I thought if someone marries someone with a kid then they have to like kids...wrong. We talked about when we'd have more children before we got married as well, but a few yrs ago, he just changed his mind and said he didn't want kids....they're too much trouble. I do everything for him, I have tried and prayed sooo hard for 7yrs now, and really nothing has changed. He is nicer to me now than he used to be, but he just expects perfection and for the home to revolve around his wants and needs. I'm struggling with leaving...do I give my needs and dreams, or do I walk away....I don't know what to do, but I can safely say I do know what I want. Unfortunatly, my husband and I want 2 totally different lives. He loves being married to me b/c he can have his cake and eat it too!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 4:00pm

aspen

i am not sure if i posted this previously, however, when i decided to d my husband, i went to see my priest. (i am roman catholic, not a very good one) i needed to cover all my bases with my decision.

i was surprised at his support for me to leave my marriage. he told me that god forgives, and understands. in my situation, stbx is an alcoholic unable to provide, he told me to stay my course and do what is right for my children.

after all, when i married my stbx one of the vows was to "accept children willingly from god" and basically provide for them. stbx couldn't help, so i will do it alone.

god is forgiving. he understands the struggles and he understands our path in life. a minister, (or pastor, priest) is a mere mortal. he has no right to judge. (this is why i do not believe in confession.) just look at what some of these guys do, child molestation, stealing from their church, having affairs of their own. we are all equal in gods eye.

just my 2 cents.

what

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 8:07pm
Hey Sunny,
Please don't feel sorry for me. I have reached a point where all of this is good. I believe that everything happens for a reason and God has provided me with so much since my stbx left. I was lost for a while, but now I know what I am supposed to do. Its not easy and I'm not going to be the wealthy mortgage banker I once was, but who cares? I have my piece of mind, my time with my child and no longer have the loser that chose a trailer park ho over his family.
I feel for you in that you cannot compete with inanimate objects. You should really talk to this man you married and if there is no love, and there is no hope, then maybe you should leave. I'm not telling you to go, I' telling you to talk to your DH and tell him what you need.
Whatabadidea is right, God forgives. You don't need your pastor or priest or whomever is the head of your church, you need to get right with yourself and and if necessary, kick this butthead to the curb and make a life for yourself and your child.
I'll step down from my soap box now and tell you that I love your name and send you a humongous (((((((hug))))))
Lisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 1:02am

(((((((((lisa))))))))))))

hugs to you too.

what

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2007
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 2:36am
I think one thing our two spouses had in common is the lying factor. Addicts and controlling men are experienced liars and manipulators. They do it so much, I think they start believing it themselves. My xh was so good at mind games, he could have me being the one feeling guilty and convinced it was all my fault, so I was always the one apologizing. So I know what you mean about the lie detector test. i was the absolute worse match for him. I was the kid in the classroom that when someone had done something wrong, and the teacher was doing a general chewing out for the transgression, I sat there feeling guilty even when I had nothing to do with it! Your stbx's postings on Match.com are exactly why I will never seek a guy on the internet. Don't plan on seeking one in person, either. Why would I ever risk being in a situation like that again? No thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2007
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 2:44am
Wow, I wish I could talk to your priest....What a difference a response like that from a spiritual leader would have made in my life. But I know what you mean. Ministers from all faiths are just people, too, with all the human faults and failings. I think I just need to focus on God and not people. It does help a lot to read the New Testament and see how Jesus dealt with the pharisees and hypocrites!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 5:46am

The trick is not to make the same mistake twice and that means finding yourself first. I don't remember where I read it but I read, somewhere, that you should not date for a year after coming out of a bad relationship or you risk picking up on the same kind of guy.

Just for grins and giggles, I went through some postings on Match.com. I found one I liked and then noticed he had put down daily drinking. I took a second look at the picture an realized he had the same grayish palor, in the picture, that my stbx had often after drinking too much. I don't think I'll be using the matching services for a while, thank you.

When I do, I'm going with eharmony. I know someone who met her dh through them. They both swear by the service. I did take their personality profile and it is right on. THey even picked up that others see me as cold because I believe in helping people work through their problems instead of just helping them. One of my issues with stbx is I don't put on rose colored glasses when it comes to my kids. I've had some cruel things said to me because I refuse to do so. It's as if mom's are expected to overlook their children's faults. One, like me, who sees them and tries to address them is suspect.

I also like their service because they refused to match me because I'm not yet divorced. Which is fine. I just wanted the personality profile and was curious. Other services seem to take anyone.

As to lying spouses. I don't think they lie. I think the're delusional. My stbx INSISTS that when mediation opens our marriage counseling records it's going to show me to be evil. I went back to our old marriage counselor because I just don't remember discussing all this stuff stbx says we did. Neither does the counselor. He, jokingly, asked me if stbx attended the same counseling sessions he and I did. However, stbx BELIEVES that all this stuff is there that isn't. That scares me WRT custody. I'm not sure he's fit to have the kids at all but I have no proof of anything being mentally wrong with him.




Edited 6/3/2007 7:52 am ET by gr8fulmom1