Breaking his heart
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| Mon, 02-13-2006 - 3:11pm |
I met my husband in a bar. We had a one-night stand and a drunken conversation about our life philosophies, then went our separate ways. A while later I tracked him down and we started a long-distance relationship. 2 months later he moved to my town and we basically started living together. We got engaged about 4 months after that, and soon after moved away together. Since then, we've been dependent on each other, financially and emotionally. I don't think I ever really loved him. I think I was infatuated with him in the beginning, and when that ended I didn't know how to get out of the relationship, since he'd left his job, home, friends, etc. to be with me. Plus, having him around allowed me to do things I wouldn't have been able to do by myself (moving away for school, etc.).
4 years into it, I was finished with school and starting my career. I decided that we should go ahead and get married. It was a stupid decision. I believed that I could stay with him forever because he would be a good husband and a good father, even though he was passionately in-love with me and I wasn't with him. I love him, but more in the sense that I want to take care of him and don't want to see him be hurt. I'm not passionate about him at all. I haven't been since the very beginning of our relationship, which I now believe was just infatuation, not love.
I've decided it's time for me to correct my mistake. To end this relationship. I'm not doing it because of this, but everyone around me thinks I should leave him. They never understood why I married him in the first place. We've been talking about this for a month, and separated for 2 weeks. I told him yesterday that it was time to make our separation more permanent. He begged me for another chance, said he'd go to counseling and do anything I wanted to make our marriage work. I keep telling him it's nothing that he did wrong or something that a counselor can fix, I just don't love him the way he loves me and nothing can change that. So he says let's just get the divorce started, there's no sense in just being separated if I've made up my mind.
He's going crazy about this. He feels like his entire life has been ripped apart. In a way it has. Marrying me was sort of like winning the lottery. I can give him the life he always dreamed of - lifestyle, kids, etc., and I married him because I thought that's what I wanted to do. But now I know that I can't live for someone else. I have to live for me. I want to find someone I can really love. But I am his whole life. He doesn't know what to do without me. Of course, I'm going to continue to support him until he's finished with college, so in that sense, the divorce isn't really contentious. And he won't fight if I stand firm. But he's coming home tomorrow, he says it's so he can get his things and "say goodbye". I'm afraid he's going to beg and cry and want to have sex one more time and generally make this harder on both of us. I don't know what to do. How to handle this. Before he left 2 weeks ago we had an entire day of "goodbye", crying, making love, talking, etc. He says he didn't know that was really the last time and he needs to say goodbye again. I think it's a bad idea, but I don't know how to stop him. He does have to come and move his things, and we do have to talk about finances, etc. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. My family isn't near by and I don't really have any friends here who can help (we just moved a few months ago). Any advice??

Hi there..... remember.... he made choices in this relationship, too.... and if you aren't happy, then there's no way that he can be getting 100% of what he deserves from the relationship.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I understand your situation. I've just filed for a D after 12 years of marriage. I think you're making the right decision. I married H coz we were in love in the early days but it never turned into the deep connection I yearn to share with someone. Years later and the problems started, and all romantic love is gone from my side. I still love him as a good friend and hate to see him hurting like this. I'm at peace with my decision, feel relieved, but I cry when I see him hurting and knowing that I'm causing him all this hurt, and that I am ripping apart his world (our son, financially, socially, emotionally).
I think you should have this last goodbye, but make it known to him that this is it. Good luck to you!
Thanks to all for being so supportive. It's really nice to hear someone say they think I'm doing the right thing. We're in the break-up stage now - he's moving out this week. It's tough, but getting better. He is starting to understand. He's trying really hard to make this as easy as possible.
Worst thing is I got distracted by him yesterday and really screwed something up at work because of it. I took my licks for as long as I could before I had to explain to my boss what was going on. Then I hyperventilated for 30 minutes and took another hour to force myself to stop crying so I could leave my office. It was a nightmare.