Brilliant Idea!! :)
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| Thu, 08-02-2007 - 10:26am |
well - many would possibly agree & many possibly wouldn't - lol - but any feedback is welcome :)
okay - so...here's the deal - my husband is a flake when it comes to whether or not he wants to be married - seems like the slightest thing can send him over the edge & put him into requesting separation or divorce...
problem - we have three children & kids need stability - another problem, i'm not financially able to take over if he decides divorce - another problem, when it comes to marriage, there are many stipulations etc., it's a judge that awards you what they think you deserve etc. and that can take alot of hair pulling & money before that is even settled - sooooooo....
just to paint picture - husband & i are currently separated & i'm staying in his condo in the city, while he's in the house - we've worked out custody & we get them 1/2 & 1/2...no problem there...we were going to counseling - until once again, i pissed him off somehow (i have a tendency to get under his skin & honestly there's just not too much i can do about that, lol - other than watch my every move & be "adult" at all times, almost impossible) and so he stopped going -
my therapist suggested i put my sword down & tell him we will be happy as parents together, plan on divorce & leave it that - she says we both love each other - but alot of water under the bridge - (alot of his whines)
sooooo...that is fine, i have put sword down & am fine w/a divorce - it will be tough as the way things are, however - it's fine -
but...i have an idea that my husband will eventually get over the fact that i didn't cook for him 8 hours out of the month (eye roll) and want to reconcile...
once again, we have 3 children - and many of the things (other than his wishy washiness!!) could've probably been resolved, if he would've just stuck it out -
but my problem is, trust - trusting that me moving back in, wouldn't put us right back here & the kids changing schools etc. once again - and honestly i'd have to shoot myself or him at that point!!!
soooooo....yesterday i was passing by the tv when i noticed a show on celeb prenups - and how some of them were over the top - however some of them seemed to work - and then this am (when i have the most clarity) i woke up & it hit me!! PROBLEM SOLVED -
no way i would even consider the move or reconcile until he agreed that IF he decided the marriage wasn't something he wanted (after i moved back in) then...he must be the one to move out, allow me & the kids to stay & agree to pay $800/mo towards the mortgage every month - he would already be responsible for $500 in child support anyways - so basically it's just him adding $300/mo to that & agreeing that I get the house til the kids are 18 (only 15yrs, lol) and actually at the end of that, i would only request what extra i put into it each mo - (all his money will more than likely go to our kids when he dies, so in the end, i don't care how much he gets & it's highly unlikely he would remarry or leave it anywhere else - they are his heart) hmmmmmm...
and of course there are many other details that would need to be worked out etc. - but this is the jist & i'm actually thinking this would work - and no agreement...i'm happy w/no reconcilation - it's that simple - and i'm wondering why doesn't more of this stuff occur b/w couples?? concerning each others needs & expectations?? i'm sure there will be something i will have to sign for cooking regularly etc. (lol) and i can make the decision if it's something i'm willing to do or not -
thing is, we have this thing about "LOVE" in life - and we say, where is that - if you have to do X,Y,Z - but as my therapist put it love is actually just another 4 letter word, which is "GIVE" - soooooo...w/that new definition, i think being clear on what you are giving & what you are getting & the consequences of not - could potentially change the destiny of a relationship?? hmmmm...if nothing else, i may be one of the experiments - lol - anyhoooo...at least i have resolution in this part of my life for now - b/c being on the fence is not a fun place to be - do i risk it, don't i - etc. - this definitely takes out alot of the "risk" for me...
share your thoughts!!
Laurel :)

I think that it would be SMART to say.... OK we can try this... BUT... we need to spell out NOW what our plan will be if it doesn't work, just so we're all clear up front about what will happen (and if he's serious about working things out, he'll agree to it).... if he's not.... then you're better off to stay put!
Let us know how it goes :-)
Good luck!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
yes, that could be an approach - and i could try to see just what would happen w/that - however...i'm not quite sure anything else would be desirable for me - you'd sort of have to know the history & experience that i've had w/him...i left my home from over an hour away, quit my job etc. to move in w/him - in which i lost alot of security & stability for myself & my son - so then transferring him to a new school, all for him to go there a yr - and now since the separation - he will have to now go to another - so if we were to reconcile that would be another transfer, on top of all the moving again & re-adjusting of the kids...i'm not willing/able to do that again - so that is the only solution or option that i feel would be fair - and it's a winning situation in a sense for him as well being that, as i stated, he would get all that he paid into the house at the end...and $500/mo would have originally been in child support & he would've lost - soooooo.....i think i'm pretty much sticking w/that - and this is simply of course IF he decides he wants to reconcile - as of yet - no real word since counseling - at this point, i just needed some type of resolution for what would i do IF the situation arose again - who knows, i may start dating shortly & that not even be an option - but for now -guess it's how it stands...
anyhooo!! thx for the feedback & i will try the softer approach to see if he would be able to come up w/anything even remotely similar first - before shoving it down his throat - lol...but at least in my mind, i know what i would need to feel secure w/it -
Laurel :)