On the brink

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
On the brink
7
Sun, 01-22-2012 - 12:21pm
I have been married 13 years and have known my husband for 25 years. We have 5 kids ages 5-14. Our marriage is terrible. I have a lot of pent up anger due to finances and his lack of motivation. I work full time 50+ hours a week, he is self employed in no true business. We bought properties when we first married and he "manages" those as well as dabbles in car sales. Whenever finances would get tight I would work more or get a better paying job, he wouldn't. I am so sad that I wasn't there for kidswhen they were babies and he took the time for granted dropping them off at his mothers so he could " work". We share no common interest and he makes no effort to do new things. I am in charge of everything around the house including coordinating all the kids activities, school stuff and everything else. I could go on and on, births big problem now is that I have found out he has a profile on plenty of fish and sugadaddie.com . He is emailing women asking for dates and advertising that he is looking for Soul mate. When I confronted him he stated it was my fault and that he has needs that I am not meeting. I calmly said that it is time for us to separate and of course he doesn't want that. He is not going to make it easy and of course having 5 kids complicates the whole situation. Really feel so stuck. I don't have the heart to destroy my children with a divorce nor do I have any desire to continue in this relationship. Just don't know what to do!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: chrishox
Sun, 01-22-2012 - 12:28pm

I don't know why you feel your children will be "destroyed" by having parents who get divorced as opposed to parents who are living together but are unhappy and have no relationship--and a father who is probably having an affair or at least trying to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
In reply to: chrishox
Sun, 01-22-2012 - 12:43pm
I have very few divorced friends and the ones I do have only told me horror stories . I know that us not a good gauge to go by but I am so fearful for my kids. I have one who already suffers from depression and one who is on the autism spectrum and therefore feel they are a little more fragile. I agree this situation isn't healthy for anyone I guess I just need some support and reassurance that they will be ok.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
In reply to: chrishox
Sun, 01-22-2012 - 1:20pm

For what it's worth I left my 12 yr M last April because I was unhappy, had been for years. H was not interested in MC-have you suggested that to him? Are you open to that? I think I knew even with MC my M was over-we are just too different people and the differences became more apparent once we started having children. I have 4 kids. I worried about them too.I can tell you I am in such a better place 9 months out of my M. I

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
In reply to: chrishox
Sun, 01-22-2012 - 1:48pm
Thank you JC for sharing your story. It is nice to hear a happy ending story!
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: chrishox
Sun, 01-22-2012 - 5:12pm

Hi,

A lot of fear is due to unknowns. Here's my two cents:

1)Get good, sound legal advice from an experienced divorce attorney. (Not somebody's friend or uncle.)

2)Gather all documentation: tax returns, bank statements, insurance policies, SSN cards, loans, credit cards, bills, etc.

3)Start researching cost of living and/or assess you ability to maintain your current home if you separate.

4)Get your children's doctors and/or therapists advice on how best to address their conditions if you separate or divorce their father.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2007
In reply to: chrishox
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 7:31pm

You should check out adhdmarriage.com.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
In reply to: chrishox
Wed, 01-25-2012 - 1:15pm

There are a lot of happy endings out there! I left my ex after 14 years of marriage, I am now with an amazing man who I would not trade for anyone (except George Clooney, and he knows it).

As for the kids, talk to a counselor, there are some very good ones out there that specialize in getting kids through divorce. Mine both went and they still talk about her.

Constantly remind your kids (assuming you split) that is is because you and Daddy don;t get along and everyone is happier this way. It will take time, they won;t beleive you, but constant repetition does get through to them. And suck it up, tell them that you will always care for daddy and you want him to be happy too (following these statements, you are entitled to drink copious amounts of wine!)

I don;t think anyone shouold stay in an unhappy marriage.