Broke No Contact, Big Mistake
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| Thu, 04-28-2005 - 4:05pm |
I feel like Im gonna hyperventilate. It was 2 successful days of "No Contact" and it was great. The ex called this morning said he would pick up our son and take him to my sister's house. Well it turned out he kept him for the day, asked me if he coudl take him to see his twin girls, he made with the woman he cheated on me with, that he then left for a 20 yr old he's seeing now. I said fine, I was moving on and was letting go of any hope for "us".
The day progressed and I got the crazy idea to ask him if he wanted to bring the baby home for my lunch break, he said ok. Big Mistake on my part and I didnt even see it coming.
As we were walking down the hall, he got a phone call. It must have been the 20yr old I assume. He talked for a bit then said he forgot something in the car, he'd be back. I imagine he did that because we've argued how it makes me feel uncomfortable when he's on the phone. I havent been able to handle that yet. He came back shortly, I held it together. But the pain was building up inside me. It came time to leave and I started losing it, becoming teary eyed but I didnt say anything. He's bringing the baby back when I get off work. So he put him in the car, I lost it, started crying.
He just stood there for a bit then came over, gave me a hug but said he had to go, he lost his job a month ago and he's BROKE. Said he's trying to borrow money to pay his rent and he has a few places to stop and has to go home before he brings our son home. This only infuriated me but I didn't say anything, I just walked away. They both live in the same neighborhood so he's probaby going to pick her up so she can play mommy to my son. God I cant stand it.
I was feeling so good this morning, upbeat, positive. I am so not ready to see him. And I hate him for being so strong, when he's around me he acts as though the family he threw away meant nothing to him. He's just moved on with this young girl and it makes me sick to my stomach. What the hell does she have to offer that I didnt. I was making a home for us. What's wrong with him that he did'nt want to do whatever was necessary to save all of that?
In the back of my mind I tell myself it's him, not me. I should be glad b/c he even already cheated on the 20yr old with me a few times, when I said it couldnt go on like that I needed a committment he backed away said it wouldnt work for us right now, too complicated, he's not over "our history" etc. So what am I missing? He's switched back and forth, 1 minute he wants a serious relationship w/ her, the next he doesnt want one with anyone. He goes off and on like a lightbulb. Why do I still feel like this knowing he even cheated on her. I cant shake the feeling that he's gonna give her something he didn't give me.
Ofcourse now I feel like a fool because I broke down again. What do I do now?

hi-
first of all, hugs to you----
you wrote something in your post that i think about every day in my own situation:
"What the hell does she have to offer that I didnt. I was making a home for us. What's wrong with him that he did'nt want to do whatever was necessary to save all of that? "
i wonder that every day, it is so unfair, and it makes me so hurt and angry.
you're right though, it is him, not you. you can't control what he does, or what mistakes he makes, only the kind of person you are. and you are obviously a much more caring and thoughtful peron than he is.
i know that reconciling the mind with the heart is one of the hardest things to do. it seems like it can never happen. and i've had days too where i'm doing great, feeling like i've made 2 steps forward...and then something like the phone call happens and you're right back to where you were before. except you're not. i think every time that happens, the backslide is a little less dramatic, maybe lasts not quite as long as the last one...it's a work in progress. you are going to be ok.
in the meantime, i'm thinking good thoughts for you.
bridget