the broken heart still beats to his tune
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the broken heart still beats to his tune
| Mon, 10-09-2006 - 8:12am |
It has been slightly over a year since my ex and I parted our ways and went through the seperation and divorce trail. I did not want the divorce, and when he decided to divorce me, I was still very much in love with him. He was a student, and so I never received anything of monetary value. He planned out the divorce by sending me packing from US and half way across the globe where my parents live. Once I was out of sight (we are not US citizens), he told me it was over and he wanted out of the marriage. I had come with 2 suitcases in hand, and did not pack like I wasn't going back to him. His reasons for divorce ranged from me hanging out in my pajamas at home, to not cooking meals for him everyday, not respecting him, pinching him on a few occasions where he "bled", not wanting to live with his parents, gaining a few pounds after marriage, not keeping the house orderly and so on and so forth. I have not yet seen my belongings that still lie there, and according to him, what was breakeable has broken, some stuff is lost and that I should give him the heads up to donate the rest to charity.
Then why do I still miss him? I still wish he hadn't divorced me. Yesterday, I slept placing his framed photo over my heart. I fear my heart will never be able to love another the way I loved him. This, despite the fact that there are worthy guys taking an active interest in me. But no one compares to him. How do I move on? Why do I love him still despite the heartache he has caused me?
Then why do I still miss him? I still wish he hadn't divorced me. Yesterday, I slept placing his framed photo over my heart. I fear my heart will never be able to love another the way I loved him. This, despite the fact that there are worthy guys taking an active interest in me. But no one compares to him. How do I move on? Why do I love him still despite the heartache he has caused me?

Big Hugs to You! We will make it. Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
hi there - i am so sorry for your pain.
usually, when a divorce is taking place, even if one side wants it and the other doesn't, BOTH sides are involved, making plans, workign out agreements, packing, etc. but in your case, your husband literally kicked you out, to a different country, and you were not even aware that you were not going to be going back. of course you are going to feel this way! you haven't had closure, the preparation, everything that goes together with the divorce. you can't even get the rest of your stuff!
I understand you are not living in the US right now, but could you move back? is there a place in your country where you could get some help - a therapist or divorce support group?
Big Hugs to You! We will make it. I pray for us both to find love again one day.
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
Thanks so much for your responses. At a trying time like this when sometimes even family can crack under the pressure and swing from being supportive to not so, believe me, your responses mean a lot.
Brenda, darling, I know what you mean sweetheart. I wish I could tell you what a jerk your ex was and for you to move on, but having tasted the cut first hand, I know the pain runs deep.
SK1960 The best I could do is go to the court and seek my rights. I was awarded a small amount of monetary settlement, and he was also urged to send the rest of my belongings with him and I sharing the cost (That order still has to materialize).
I can potentially return to US, a country I had grown fond of, but I just a visitor's visa. What would I do when I get there? It was difficult for me to secure a job because I have a degree in Marketing, an area where work permits are hard to come by for foreigners. Without a job, paying bills would be impossible. My other option is to apply for an MBA program there, but that too will cost money I don't currently have.
Whenever people see our wedding pictures, every single person has had one comment to make...that I looked like a princess and he didn't measure up to me as far as looks were concerned. I am often asked what made me marry him in the first place. What people don't comprehend is, in my eyes, he was my Brad Pitt (or whoever you may fancy). Good looks, I realize, is immaterial at the end of the day, because it surely didn't help me keep my husband.
I do wish there were divorce support groups, or a therapist I could see (none that I know of...awareness or existence of such programs is generally low here)...and I have been getting a lot o therapy from friends and family...but I guess you are right...Amidst the pain of losing someone I loved dearly, I am missing is a sense of closure. I still don't understand what I did so horrible wrong to merit that decision.
Currently I am seeing a very handsome, loveable guy, and he is a darling in every sense of the word. Yet I miss HIM. The new guy has helped me in my recovery phase unknowing to him. He thought I was over my past, but my new vigor or interest in myself is because of his interest in me. Despite the fresh breeze, I don't see myself in a real committed relationship (heart & soul) with anyone else. I am so afraid that the next relationship will merely be a compromise, because my soul belonged to HIM. :(
Brenda, since you and I are in the same situation, I have realized this...I cannot spend the rest of my life crying over what has passed. True, I loved him, and he will continue to hold a special place in my heart despite what he did. But our resorvoir of love is plenty. Love does not diminish. Indeed we will find others to love, and God willing, we will receive love in return. We don't need someone to replace our exes, but someone who will not be threatened by our past, and will make their own special places in our hearts.
I try to remain optimistic and cheerful, but when I am really down, I remind myself that no one has lived forever, and it's a journey to the grave really, and that is one place my ex will cease to matter :) Though I am 26, I really feel the best years of my life have escaped me, and whatever remains is fast escaping too. So I try to rebond with God, the only relationship that will matter at the end of the day. But that's another topic altogether.
*sigh*
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*you* didn't do ANYTHING wrong!! what your HUSBAND did was wrong - no matter what happened between you, he was wrong to cheat you like that, send you off home as if nothing was wrong, and just divorce you.
I understand that support groups and therapy is hard to find - have you tried contacting a university where they teach psychology or social work? these places usually offer therapy for free or for a small fee - because their students need the practical work. it is also always done under strict supervision. another option - which is not the BEST idea but a GOOD idea - is to try one of dr. phil's book. you will have to do the work involved, really get into it and take it seriously, but it does help (i started with dr phil's book and then went to therapy, so by the time i got to therapy i had already done a LOT of soul searching and undertanding).
as for moving to the US - i just thought it would be good for you to be in the country where you lived before, where you may have freinds, etc., but if you can't work there or go to school then obviously that would not work.
good luck!