Calif;"Trial Setting Conference"

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Calif;"Trial Setting Conference"
4
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 9:39pm

Hi all,

I am wondering if any are in Calif or familiar with divorce there; I do not have a lawyer, but stbx does. I received in the mail from the court a notice to be there on July 29th for what is called a "Trial Setting Conference"and "Hearing". His attorney had notified the court that we were attempting to work out the custody ourself in the interim. I cannot sign what he has offered; and the changes I want on the custody papers he will not sign. He calls me each day or emails, and now has said how imperative it is that we get these custody papers done and signed before that court date. He says it is going to cost a huge amount of money and that the judge will be mad at us for not finishing our own custody agreement. He says he cannot afford to pay his lawyer to appear any more in the court; that he is just going to overview the final signing of the custody papers. He is telling me over and over what might happen to the children since I have not signed the papers he 'offered' me and since I don't have a lawyer I will be in trouble for not doing what I am supposed to do.

What am I supposed to do? I have a job that pays just a little too much to get county legal aid; I cannot find any lawyer who will take my case without my paying an upfront retainer. I had thought since he is trying to make me sign papers which I do not agree with, since we cannot come to an agreement without arguing that the next court hearing would be to basically show up for a date assignment for the full supposed Custody Trial when they put it up on that judges calendar. I did not know if I don't have a lawyer I cannot get anything done on that? This means I cannot get the divorce and I cannot depend that the court will make a custody decision for us since he won't meet with a facilitator or mediator as I have asked. I thought that was the process. I began/filed the divorce papers back in December. Most all the normal initial papers were filed, and the judge we are to see on the 29th, replaced a temporary order that was from the prior judge (which my stbx got recused), and we have been supposedly operating under that temp order. Though not much of it has been followed except the joint custody of the children. His lawyer told the assigned children's lawyer that we were working on a custody agreement though it wasn't signed yet, so that guy never contacted me. And in the temp order the judge suggested two counseling/classes for divorced kids as well as saying each of us should begin some sort of counseling as well. Stbx is very against any psychologist/psychiatrist counseling and won't agree to letting the children go to one. I had a licensed therapist up until April but could not afford to continue going. I am hoping to get into a divorce support group; but every one I have found has been a church-related one and I need a secular or at least a general faith based group.

Anyhow, I have read through his 'custody' agreement and added a couple things and marked through others but have not returned it because I have thought he is not going to agree either so why bother? He wants me to sign full legal to him and I absolutely am not going to. I could agree to 90 percent of what he asked, but will not give up my children. They need both of us in their life, and deserve as much love as possible, not to have me erased.

Anyhow he screamed at me I am going to get them taken by social services because he is going to not pay any cs or delay it so much I won't be able to have it followed up with by the court, and that he is going to disappear and it will be my fault that the children don't have a father and then my apartment is only 2 bedrooms and my job doesn't barely pay for it anyhow. I will need to move and have just been trying to get by each month until the final court date came along so I could find out if the judge is going to give custody jointly or to one or the other of us.

He is right, I have no family to help us move even and I will have to find out about food stamps and some help. But I am nervous and worried. If the stbx disappears (he is taking his joint parenting time right now basically by having them during the day and providing the majority of the child care - his choice.)And if I cannot find help with childcare, I would lose my job (five children 4 - 9 and a 15 year old but he cannot babysit all four little ones for long periods of time. A few hours my oldest son would be/is great with, but could not everyday full time for a month or more til school starts etc.)

So I have thought going to the court on the 29th would mean the judge would be making some determination or decision since we had not yet or that he would set the actual Trial for the Custody date; now I am confused. When I call the clerk of the court all she said she is allowed to tell me is that the date is confirmed for the Trial Setting and Hearing...thanks please, if anyone has any info or ideas.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 11:20am
I think he's just trying to intimidate you because he doesn't want this to drag on... and cost more money.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 12:51pm

I *strongly* recommend talking to a lawyer.
Most lawyers will discuss the general situation for a half-hour to an hour for free, to help you understand IF you need further legal help. Or ask them to charge you for just one hour to look over and discuss the custody paper with you, not to take on the whole divorce/custody/support case. They will also explain that the judge will NOT be angry at you for not signing something that you are not happy with.

There is a difference between "Legal Custody" and "Physical Custody" under California law. Legal custody has to do with who can make decisions for the children like: can they have surgery, or who controls their money. Physical custody is where they will live and how much time is given for the other parent to visit, etc. If the kids will be living with you, you should probably at least have "joint legal custody" so that you can make medical decisions for them.

How much is it worth to you to keep custody of your children? I know that's an unfair question, but this is really important. Can you afford $50 a month toward legal fees? $100? $150? Discuss this with the lawyer, too, and you may be able to work out a payment plan, or they might know of a firm that can help.
Here is a website that lists some free/reduced cost legal programs in california:
http://www.abanet.org/legalservices/findlegalhelp/pb.cfm?id=CA

Do NOT sign anything that you are not 100% happy with. Do NOT sign something just because your stbx threatens you or scares you.

Judges are there to help settle things in "the best interests of the children". Don't be afraid of them. Be prepared to show why YOU are the best care-giver for your children, if you truly believe that you are. Words alone aren't good enough, be prepared with copies of letters, school transcripts, cancelled checks... anything that shows that you are a good caretaker and/or that your stbx is not, if that's the case.

And please - go see a lawyer - today.
- L.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 1:34pm

Don't sign ANYTHING without talking to a lawyer you trust. I am from Calif and started a divorce in 99, finally, to try and end my marriage to an ABUSER. I had a good lawyer, but stayed out of FEAR, and when my restraining order came due after three years I found I had to find a new lawyer because my first one retired and passed away. My new lawyer who I trusted because she told me that after 19 years of abuse she wanted to help women. She ruined my life. The day I buried my father her office called my mom's home to tell me to be in court on a Monday, three days later. I went to court and signed the paper she gave to me. It gave me a divorce with no final paperwork, whatsoever. I am getting temp spousal support that I had to have garnished because of all the mistakes she made. It has taken me two years to still try to get myself out of this mess she caused me. I know I deserve something after 25 years of marriage, being a stay at home mom, and looking after him. Be safe and take care,

Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 2:21pm
This is her update and it explains why she doesn't have a lawyer:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsmartdivor&msg=15680.1&ctx=0

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