Calls and dreams

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Calls and dreams
3
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 5:11pm

I'm so confused right now and I just don't know what to do. Maybe this is all part of the divorce process....who knows.

Getting a divorce was the best thing to do. My ex just wanted to run around and be a kid, not come home, and have numerous girlfriends. However, a part of me is mourning the fact that he is gone, and he's never coming back.

Throughout the months before the divorce, all I could do is anxiously wait until it was finally over and I could "move on" with my life. Now everything seems so completely final. I know that my life will be better without him and without all the worry and stress that he caused. Maybe I'm just grieving over the life that I had wanted with him rather than the life we had.

I feel so sorry that my baby girl is going to grow up in a home without her father. I feel so sorry that she won't ever have siblings that have the same mommy and daddy.

Is this a normal part of this whole ordeal? What do I do to get over this? I dream about my ex every night, and I usually wake up crying. I guess I just pushed everything aside during the months before the divorce. Maybe I was just preoccupied with anger that I never truly had time to grieve over what never was and what never would be.

He called me last night and wanted to know what I was doing and to just say hi. When I didn't act excited b/c he had called, his entire demeaner changed. I think that he's trying to play me for a fool too. I have never let on these feelings that I'm having now to him. Nor have I acted jealous when he parades his (teenage) girlfriends in front of me, nor acted like it bothers me when he plays house w/ them and my baby.

I don't know....maybe I'm being silly, but I just can't seem to shake this feeling.

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2001
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 7:04am

You are not being silly. You are grieving-grieving for the loss of your marriage. Grieving for the loss of some dreams you had. Grieving for the person you once loved, but who has now changed into someone you dont know.

Go ahead and cry and grieve. Get this out. But also come up with some new goals. Some new hopes and dreams for YOU and your child. Ones that do not involve him--such as "by next Spring, I'm going to take dd to Disney". Find happiness within you.

When ever I began feeling sad over the loss of my marriage (note, not the loss of the "man"), I listed all the reasons why I was glad he was no longer here-no more lies, no more caring for an extra person, no more dealing with his nasty comments, etc. I listed why I was happy to be single-can stay in pj's all day if I wanted, if the house is a mess, it's my mess, If we wanted to have pancakes for dinner, we could! These types of lists always helped me.

Support groups can also help. Such as Divorce care or parents without partners. Limiting contact with him will also help you. Only speak with him pertaining to your child. When he asks how you are--that's really none of his business.

Take one day at a time and every day write what you are thankful for. Write reasons to be happy today. If all else fails, seek counseling to help you through this difficult time. This might be able to help you learn ways to cope and deal with this grief.

HUGE hugs--hang in there. It DOES get better....

Deb

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 8:16am
Grieving is a process and it takes time. You are doing well with this and you can only go up from here.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 12:54pm

Making a move that you KNOW is better for your life.... and moving past the broken dream of what you'd hoped life would bring to you at this point are two different things.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~