Can he really do anything about this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Can he really do anything about this?
31
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 3:41pm

OK. So ex-h and i have joint-legal custody. i have SOLE physical custody. My Mom watched our son most of the time .. he is in parent's day out 2 days per week, 5 hours per day. My mom is out of town next week. I told him she's out of town for less time than she really is because i knew he'd throw a fit about someone else watching him. i have arrangements for people to watch him ... monday he's with my brother's girlfriend, Tuesday my brother will take him to school, and ex will pick him up. Wednesday by brother will take him and pick him up. Thursday nad Friday I'm off and he'll be with me. He knows that I'm off Thursday and Friday so I told him that my mom was leaving wednesday night. Just to eliviate any problems. He told me that if he found out anyone other than my MOM was picking him up from school there would be problems. Can he really say or do anything about this? Is it just a waste of his time to try? Time and money .. my brother is 19, by the way. Totally responsbile, and really, really good with our son.

OK .. does it make a difference that he's about $1500 in arrers on child support, and has at least one warrant out for his arrest .. the one I know about is a criminial warrant, for passing bad checks.

Does he really have a legal leg to stand on?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 3:55pm

Are you sure you have SOLE physical custody and not PRIMARY physical custody? If you have SOLE physical custody your ex is not entitled to visitation. If you have primary physical custody your ex is entitled to visitation.

Whether your ex can make a big deal about who is watching your child depends on what your agreement says. My ex is very involved in a hobby that takes up most of his weekend time with our son. I didn't want him taking our son for visitation only to turn around and give him to a sitter or one of his older kids to watch while he was gone so I had written into the agreement that we have "right of first refusal." This means that, besides work related child care, we have to ask the other parent if they want to "babysit" our son during our parenting time before we can have someone else babysit. It's hard to be SUPER strict about this though. There have been times when my ex has been gone during his visitation and my son has stayed with my ex's parents. I don't have a problem with that because he is getting to spend time with his grandparents. Likewise, my ex doesn't care if my parents "babysit" for the same reason. I could see the courts having a problem with purposely having someone else watch your child when his dad wants to instead. The court might view that as trying to keep your ex out of your child's life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 3:57pm
I have no first right of refusal in my decree. He does have visitation. Thursday nights, and every other weekend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 4:24pm

Based on his history, he likes to make threats to you. If he wants to make a big deal about this then let him. He can take you to court and say that you should not have allowed your brother or his gf to watch ds, you'll to go mediation and agree on some alternatives in this type of situation or the judge will tell you what you should do in the future if this situation arises, or the judge will tell him to back off. Either way, you aren't going to lose custody or have any other negative effects from making normal arrangements when your primary child care provider is out of town. You are making these arrangments when your son is in your care, it's not a big deal. I have no idea what 'problems' your ex thinks you will have, but more than like he's just saying that to scare you.

His status on paying child support or arrest record make no difference in any of this.

Primary physical is a term used in some places, sole physical is used in others. SOme times it's CP as in custodial parent, other places it's PCP as in primary custodial parent. Some states call it 'possession' some call it 'custody.' Some state might use both the term primary physical and sole physical and define them differently, but most of the time it's easy to get caught up in the terms. The bottom line is he's got joint legal so he has a say in major decisions. Alternative child care for a few days when your care provider is out of town is not a major decision, especially when it happens on your parenting time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 4:32pm
he's threatning to do all kinds of crap, and drag things from the past, and all kinds of stuff. i can't deal with this anymore. any of it. he's such a prick. i hate him. i hate him. i hate him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 4:38pm
They are just threats. Is there anything in your past that would make the state take your child from you? It would have to be pretty bad for them to do that. Do you think he really has the money to fight you for custody? My feeling is he'd get into court and the judge would see exactly what is going on. Are you documenting the incidents where he's making it impossible to co-parent? Don't you have stuff from his past you could pull out that would not help his case?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Fri, 07-15-2005 - 4:51pm

Yes, he kind of does. I lied in court. I said I didn't know about his past when I did. He apparently has a recording, and subsequently transcripts, of a phone conversation where I said that I lied. And we've spent a little time together since the divorce, as a family to maybe try and see if things would work ... obvious that they won't, but he can prove that, video recordings and such, and prove that i knoew about his past, and obviously dind't think it was a horrible thing since i was spending time with him.

So now, I have to rearrange my whole schedule next week. He said that he'll call the day care and if they let our son go with my brother will have people thrown in jail because HE didn't agree to it. He is not on the approved pick-up list, but I know that all I'd have to do is send a signed statement saying that he was going to pick him up for that day and that would be that. But he said that I will get thrown in jail for that. He's an ass, and I have no doubt that he would do everything within his power to get our son taken away from me ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 7:26pm

I don't see how he could possibly get you thrown in jail for letting your brother or his gf pick ds up. I just don't think that is even remotely possible, but you should ask an attorney to be sure.

Whatever you lied about, I still doubt they would take custody away from you. If you can get some legal advice to assure you that you are in good standing legally, and not doing anything your ex can use against you, maybe you can free yourself from his threats and control.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 8:05pm
Klo, a lawyer told me recently that I can never use any of the events dating from before my divorce to modify anything regarding the children, and my x did some terrible things. Talk to an attorney (see if they do free initial consults, or if there's any sort of legal help line, lawyer of the day at the courthouse, anything) and ask about it. If there's any abuse history, call a domestic abuse center and ask for advice from an advocate. Best of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 11:38am

gonnabefine is right, I also got this advice. NOTHING that was brought out before the date of the divorce fililing is bologna and not able to be used in court.


I think, that he is threatening you for no reason other than to make you miserable. It's working....


Do not give him the satisfaction of him getting his way.


Hugs to you and good luck!


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 07-17-2005 - 12:10pm
If I remember or am reading her follow up post correctly, the lying was in court during a custody thing after they split up the first time. I'm not saying it can be held against her, but it's not the same as something she did to him, if she lied in court it could be perjury. However, I don't think this will affect her custody nor should she allow him to threaten her repeatedly with causing her problems for what he's got against her. That's blackmail and IMHO it's worse than whatever she lied about in court. I really think the OP should ask an attorney for legal advice on what she could be charged with if her lying were outed by her ex, because there could be no penalty at all or it could be a small thing like a fine or there could be another way to fix it like filing a revised statement with the court. What he's doing to her is not fair and he shouldn't keep getting away with it, I think we all agree on that.

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