Can I get your opinion on this?
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| Fri, 01-06-2006 - 8:29am |
Yesterday I was talking/fighting with my ex about another "You need to get along with my girlfriend (fiance actually)" conversation. WHY DOES HE INSIST THAT I LIKE HER? I will NEVER like her and he needs to realize that. I told him I will not go out of my way to be kind to her, nor will I go out of my way to be rude. So here's my question...
We got on the discussion about when our daughter is a bit older and has dance recitals, school plays, etc....I told him that his girlfriend (will be wife by then) is NOT welcome to events where I will be. These are more important to me than they are to her considering Angelina is MY DAUGHTER, not hers! And he strongly disagrees. He says she has just as much of a right to be there as I do. WHAT THE HELL???????? No she doesn't!!!!!!! That is implying that her & I are the same rank in my daughters life. Not the case. I told him that if she ever shows up, I will kindly ask her to leave. He of course said if I did that he would be calling his lawyer the next day, and then went on with his normal threats to get full custody, blah blah blah.
What do you think about this? Am I wrong, or is he? I believe that she has no right to be there- I understand she cares about Angelina and i'm sure Angelina likes her a lot too, but her simply BEING THERE would ruin it for me...and I think she should be woman enough to say "You know what, this is much more important to Lainie than it is to me- i'm gonna sit this one out". I know if I was married to a man with children and his ex wife hated me, I would feel bad going to an event I knew would bother her with me being there.
Lainie

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The question should be is the soon to be step-mother eventually going to be an important person in your dd's life, someone she spends time with and cares about, and who cares about her.
i know exactly how you feel! truly! maybe you just need more time. my ex has agreed not to take his gf (who lives with him) to my son's hockey games -- we take turns, me one weekend and he does the following, etc. he has also agreed not to take her to the 5th grade graduation. that's it. all bets are off for middle school. i admit it's just humiliation on my part. i don't want everyone comparing me to this new younger, slimmer person in his life. it's a small community and i can't handle the talk.
by the same token i know that she is a part of my kids' lives. they traded christmas presents and from what she gave them,I could see she obviously has a handle on my kids' likes and dislikes. when it comes to middle school and high school, well, i'll just have to deal with it.
i haven't met her, but she wants to meet me. my ex thinks that i should meet her because the kids spend so much time with her -- every wed afternoon into evening and every other sat. well, to what purpose? so she can flaunt her younger, slimmer self? (i'm going to shake hands with the woman who was having sex with my husband when i was married to him???!) i feel like hell about myself and i don't need that. i understand that she is in the kids' lives and there's nothing i can do about it. i also understand that they shouldn't feel guilty about enjoying her company. when they were crying about meeting her back in april, i even went so far as to tell them to keep an open mind, she's important to your father. (i'm a saint. ha!) AND my kids will be happier and emotionally healthier if they don't feel guilty about seeing and loving their father and enjoying the girlfriend's company.
so, it's about your daughter. she's got to come first. trust me, i know how hard it is. probably most of us on this board have been there. with time, you adjust. some things become less important. take care.
I absolutely agree with your response. . .and have experience with the "it's her or me" situation as a child of divorce. My mother refused to come to my wedding (which she didn't help with in any way) because my father was going to be attending with his new wife (both of them helped by paying for my flowers and providing emotional support).
I am also facing a divorce involving a third party (stbxh's new girlfriend- who he turned to before separating from me). . .but I'm bound and determined to put my pride aside if necessary for the sake of my children. I recognize that it won't be easy. . .but I won't make my kids deal with what I had to deal with as a child of divorce.
Not a problem. . .I was just confused.
The best way to respond to a specific post is to be viewing THAT post when you hit "post a reply". For example, to respond to the Original post of this thread, be viewing that post when you hit "post a reply".
Again. . .not a problem. . .I was just confused. . .it doesn't take much these days to confuse me.
Oh, Lainie, you have my most heartfelt sympathy! I know from painful first-hand experience how excruciating it is to go through this. I've had my ex tell me to my face that he has replaced me with younger, slimmer, richer, better, etc. New wife is trying to take over, being team mom, going to open houses, taking them behind my back to dr. appts, listing herself on sign-up papers as "parent", introducing herself to the teacher as mom, calling me names, sending profane emails and much more. Every single time the kids have an event of any sort, she's there, acting as if she's just as much the mom as I am. Ruins a lot of good times for me. I don't think her presence is nearly the big deal to the kids as it is to me. And ex demands she's there, to act like the happy intact family, shoving Mom off to the side as irrelevant. Plus, he loves to rub it in.
It just kills me that she's got access to my girls when I don't--ex leaves it all up to her. I would gladly care for them all the time! He ignored them before divorce too. In divorcing my abusive husband, I also kinda divorced my kids for about half the time. I was only trying to get away from him, not them! But that's the way it feels like it turned out!
It would be terrific if the new GF would respect you, but if your ex is like mine, he'll bash you to her every chance he gets. My ex has to trash me so he'll look better. My ex's new wife has to think me a monster so she can believe his trash about being Mr. Perfect with the crazy ex-wife. The people who really know me know the real truth--I don't have to say anything.
But in reality, the exes can bring whoever they wish to sleep with, or remarry, in as the "replacement mother". We can do not one little thing about it. I'm glad the poster with childhood experience in this spoke up about how it upset her. That is the ONLY reason I am trying my best to tolerate this horrible situation with grace and a shut mouth.
I love my girls more than he hurt me. I love my girls more than she'll ever be able to. Try to think about the lesson you are showing your daughter. My girls only know about 1/10th of all the indignities, insults and bruises I sufferred at the hands of their father. It's hard, but it's possible to behave with grace and dignity even while we are being disrespected by someone who has hurt us terribly.
I suggest you try your best to ignore his new GF, she may be temporary. Hold your head high, be a great Mom to your child, smile and she'll see how to behave as a mature, respectful adult.
Sending you huge wishes for courage and dignity.
Cupcake
I am sorry if I have upset you.
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
I wanted to add another thought...
You will get alot of criticism from the second wives/stepmoms who post here for voicing your feelings about this hurt and frustration. I have. You have every right to these feelings and that's ok. You will probably get blasted by the stepmoms for "not having gotten over" the ex. I can be totally over the ex while still hurting over him giving my precious children over to another woman to raise. I don't understand the SM's POV at all, haven't walked that walk.
Just be prepared. The stepmoms don't like it at all when Mom complains about them, just like Mom doesn't like it at all when she's trashed by new-and-improved replacement. We're all only human.
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