Can I get your opinion on this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Can I get your opinion on this?
33
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 8:29am

Yesterday I was talking/fighting with my ex about another "You need to get along with my girlfriend (fiance actually)" conversation. WHY DOES HE INSIST THAT I LIKE HER? I will NEVER like her and he needs to realize that. I told him I will not go out of my way to be kind to her, nor will I go out of my way to be rude. So here's my question...
We got on the discussion about when our daughter is a bit older and has dance recitals, school plays, etc....I told him that his girlfriend (will be wife by then) is NOT welcome to events where I will be. These are more important to me than they are to her considering Angelina is MY DAUGHTER, not hers! And he strongly disagrees. He says she has just as much of a right to be there as I do. WHAT THE HELL???????? No she doesn't!!!!!!! That is implying that her & I are the same rank in my daughters life. Not the case. I told him that if she ever shows up, I will kindly ask her to leave. He of course said if I did that he would be calling his lawyer the next day, and then went on with his normal threats to get full custody, blah blah blah.
What do you think about this? Am I wrong, or is he? I believe that she has no right to be there- I understand she cares about Angelina and i'm sure Angelina likes her a lot too, but her simply BEING THERE would ruin it for me...and I think she should be woman enough to say "You know what, this is much more important to Lainie than it is to me- i'm gonna sit this one out". I know if I was married to a man with children and his ex wife hated me, I would feel bad going to an event I knew would bother her with me being there.

Lainie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 2:08pm
I also want to reiterate that you wouldn't feel this way if YOU had someone that YOU adore, and want to share your life(including your children) with. You would want this man involved, and you would want him to want to be involved. I can only hope that my @$$ ex moves on to find someone who is half as good to my children as my boyfriend is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 2:18pm

Tupper,
I'm glad you have found a boyfriend who you adore. You really don't know how the poster would feel whether or not she met someone. The ex-OW in my situation purposely inserted herself into situations she should not have with our dear son - such as having a family portrait taken and displaying it conspicuously in a place that I would see everytime I dropped my son off. However, that is why she is no longer with my now ex-H. He saw through the fakeness and also saw how she treated me.

I have now gained some semblance of respect back for my now ex-H.




Edited 1/6/2006 2:22 pm ET by lifeisgrand2005
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 2:18pm

Cupcake,
Thank you so much for the response, feels good to know i'm not alone. I think I would absolutely lose my mind if she started signing up for things as "mom" and taking my daughter to doctor's visits. I wish she understood the boundries I have set for her- meaning, DON'T ACT LIKE MOM WHEN YOU ARE NOT. She just loves her new happy instant-family. I wouldn't be suprised if they all got their pictures taken together, just the 3 of them...what a cute family. Arghhhh.

Lainie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 2:55pm

Oh, I don't know about that... I'm in no rush to get into another big relationship.

My feelings for my kids are different and will ALWAYS, I suspect, come before any future romantic relationship.

Remember how different the men and women are about taking on the "step" roles. Women are far more eager and willing to jump in and "mother". You don't hear nearly so much conflict coming from Dads vs. Stepdads.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 2:57pm

Yeah, don't be surprised, there's the "happy family" portrait at my ex's house too.

edited to add: This "motherhood by marriage" phenomenon happens all the time. I've recently lost respect for a friend/acquaintance who refers to her BF's children as "our". Out of place, IMHO. I don't think I'm going to be getting along real well with this gal in future...




Edited 1/6/2006 3:03 pm ET by momsacupcake
Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 3:24pm

As much as I can understand your feelings and appreciate your position, I feel it would be in you sweet DD's interest to allow the OW to be there for her. Please don't let that woman ruin wonderful memories you'll have forever with your little girl. Keep walking, with your head high, knowing that you are taking the high road and that your daughter will love having you - her MOM there.

((((((hugs)))))

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 4:52pm

Cupcake,
I know what you mean about having a friend who happens to be a stepmom who refers to the kids as "ours". My best friend (and roommate) was with a guy for about 8 years, and he has two children with another woman. She use to refer to them as their kids and loved them as if they were her own. I use to think that she was so sweet for doing that, and his ex wife was just a crazy b-tch for not liking her...now I understand how the ex felt. We have gotten into MANY disagreements about the topic. She tries to tell me how much she loved those children as if they were her own and I try to tell her that THEY WERE NOT HER OWN so that's not her place to act like mommy. She told me she feels that she was JUST AS WELCOME to family events as their mother would be....I just laughed at the comment. I totally disagree.

Lainie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 01-06-2006 - 7:07pm

Hi Lainie,


As long as this woman treats your child.... and you... with respect, it's going to be in everyone's best interest if you accept that things are different now and that you're going to be happier in the long run if you let go of the bitterness and drop this.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 12:35am

Hey there Lainie...

I just wanted to chime in here and say that I think the wounds of the separation and coming divorce are still really fresh and still really deep and as a result, you're seeing things in a way that could likely change over time.

The thing that unfortunately get overlooked in a situation which you describe are the feelings of your child. Seeing that your stbx is engaged to OW, it is quite likely that she will be in his life (and therefore your child's life) for quite some time, if not longer. Your child is the innocent one here... she did not ask to be brought into this situation, nor does she want to see bitterness between the people that she cares about (or may grow to care about)...

Now, my xh lives out of state with his ow, so I can honestly say that I've never faced this situation... YET... I'm sure it will happen at some point... When it does, I plan on doing my best to be cordial and positive and not let either one of them get the best of me, as they both have that ability... this is another case when the best thing to do is to rise above... your daughter will likely want her dad and OW there, and like Karen pointed out, it is a blessing to have another person care so deeply about your child.

I'm not trying to suggest that she should step into the Mom role... that is yours and has been yours from the good ole days of morning sickness and kicks and belly rubs, when she became tuned into your voice, before she was even born... your daughter knows who her Mom is.

One thing that people would say to me, especially early in my separation, when my wounds were deep, open and oozing all over, was that time would make things better... it is the hardest advice to hear sometimes because there is little you can do, but I can assure you that this, like much of the other stuff you're dealing with, will get better as the days go by... in the meantime, try to take the high road and try to realize that even though you may not be happy that ow may be at these events, your daughter may be thrilled that she can share those events with her mommy and daddy and ow...

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 1:52am
I'm sorry, but I strongly disagree with you. Dance recitals, etc. are not about you. They are about your daughter, and everyone who cares about her and loves her has a right to be there. Don't make this about you. I had to swallow my pride, and be graceful in my pain, when my ex showed up with his girlfriend to not only our daughter's dance recitals, but also my son's band concert. Yes, I was hurt inside and a little pissed, but making a scene would have made things worse, and would have made ME look like the jerk, not them. I understand that you are still hurting and angry, I have been there and back SEVERAL times myself!!!!!!! But don't make things worse by taking that stand. This will only make you look bad, make your daughter upset and uncomfortable, and make your ex move motivated to take adverse action. Yes, she is a tramp for betraying your friendship and taking a hand in breaking up your family and yes he is a scumbag for hiding assets and not being accountable to his child, or honoring his past with you. But you need to be the better person out of all of this or I guarantee you, you will lose more than you have already lost. I strongly recommend counseling for you to deal with your anger and pain. For the record, I also disagree with your ex about your relationship with her. You do NOT have to be this woman's best friend and roll out the red carpet everytime she walks into the same room as you are in. But do NOT make the situation worse by making this a contest about who is more "valuable" in your daughter's life. There is room in her heart for all of you, and that doesn't mean that this tramp replaces you, AT ALL!! It means there has to be some peace made for the sake of your daughter. Best wishes to you!