Can I Lean on You Guys?? Please Read...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2006
Can I Lean on You Guys?? Please Read...
3
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 3:08pm

Hi all,

I am not new to these boards, I’ve written in the past, some of you may remember me. I am just basically here for some extra needed support right now. I’m coming to the boards with some information that I pretty much don’t feel comfortable sharing with anyone right now, until I get into therapy (which friends have been telling me I should’ve been seeking for a while now but I never had the guts to go through with it until now, my first appointment is this Monday). Anyway, I apologize in advance for the long story, and I will try to shorten it as much as possible, but here goes.

I have a history of being in verbally/emotionally abusive relationships and also of getting attached very quickly to the guys I date. I was in an EXTREMELY verbally/emotionally abusive relationship a while back for 6 years and it pretty much ruined me since. Yesterday I broke up with my 2nd one. I was only with him for a couple of months, but I know him for longer than that. We dated once for a bit and it didn’t work out. Then he IM’d me on the computer one day and begged me to hear him out on the phone, so I did. Long story short, it turns out this guy is addicted to all sorts of pills (he was addicted to vicodin but got off them, now its valium, and he has to take anti-psychotic pills and seraquil just to relax and get to sleep). He’s also an alcoholic who tried going to rehab but didn’t make it (he told his friend on day 2 if he didn’t come pick him up he’d leave and sleep in the street). The other day I was getting my hair done and my cell phone rang. It was him. He confided in me that he was alone in a motel and had bought a lot of crack cocaine and was there doing it by himself. He said he “Just wanted to do it one last time and get it out of his system” and could I please come “keep him company”. I rushed over there just to make sure he didn’t OD and kill himself and I’ve never seen anything like this. I was just disgusted and horrified to see this. This guy has 2 girls, 12 and 14 (by 2 different women), lives with his boss rent free and he’s 38. I don’t know what made me get involved with him again, but I did and he just recently started getting very verbally abusive with me, always telling me I’m fat and that he’s used to dating size 0 girls. He even has tape of himself having sex with a 19 year old girl when he was 35 (I know, I saw it). He’s so into his body that he’s consumed with it and he belongs to a website called “hot or not” where people rate you. He said he just wanted to be a 10. I was always upset with that but he would never take it down. He never wanted anything to do with my friends or family, and he has no friends or relationship with any of his family because in his past a girl accused him of physically abusing her and they believed her over him. There was just too many things about him that bothered me so finally I left.

Anyway, I could go on and on, and I’m sure I’m forgetting a lot of things (these are all just things off the top of my head) but I’m gonna stop here. Why did I stay with him? I gave him a chance mostly for one reason, and I know most of you are not going to understand this and are going to say I’m crazy, but I have a problem of my own. A few months ago, I was diagnosed with HPV and was also told that I have Herpes, but they’re not sure if it’s 1 or 2 yet, I have to go back for more testing in a few months to allow it to turn into one or the other. I was completely honest with this guy and told him my situation, and he was ok with it. I figured what the hell, I probably wont be able to do any better anyway. I know it sounds awful now, but that’s how I felt when I first found out. Now, I find out I might only have simplex 1 and it might not be THAT bad. Also, he said that when he first came back to me, he was very under the influence and would’ve agreed to anything.

Anyway, why am I here? Like I said, I do have my first appointment with a therapist on Monday under my insurance, but yesterday I decided to leave him. I sent him a message telling him simply “we’re done, please don’t call or message me anymore” and to my surprise, he actually hasn’t. I did this once before, and he messaged me back asking why and telling me he needs me, etc. Its hard to explain, I’m kind of hurt that he doesn’t care that I left, but by the same token I know deep down in my heart that he’s poison to me and I need to get out now or my future will be ruined because he’s going nowhere fast. That’s why I’m here. I know I have weak moments and my best friend and my counselor aren’t enough. I was wondering if I could use the boards as part of my support system? Please? If any of you have any sage words or have been through anything like this or anything, please post.

Thanks for listening and in advance for any advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 10:07pm

You made a first good move in leaving him. You are the victim of abuse, and it's a cycle you get into with the abusers. My husband of 31 years became very emotionally abusive over the years. When I saw him do it to our son, I realized it wasn't me. It's hard to see the truth when you're in the relationship. So don't beat yourself up. And it's good you are getting help. I left my stbx 6 mos. ago, and haven't looked back since. Our first court date is this month at which time I intend to get primary custody of my 15 yr. old son. There is a website which has helped me a lot, its the Physicl and Emotional Abuse community at Daily Strength.org. Also the book "the Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans, and " Why does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy bancroft.

This is a good support group too. You are headed in the right direction. Don't second guess yourself. He's sick, not you. Good luck, keep it up. Let us know how you made out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2006
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 11:41am

I remember you!!
Sounds like you have done a lot of thinking and reflecting and are ready to make some changes in your life.
I'm so glad your going to counseling and taking care of YOU versus trying to take care of these guys.

Good luck and will you please keep us posted?

Amie Choiniere Office Manager~Mom~Domestic Goddess~Student~Wine Lover~Girlfriend~Gardener~Decorator~Vinyl Wall Lettering Queen!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2006
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 12:01pm

Hi and thanks!

Yes, I will definately be posting on the boards here and there when I get a chance to update...

As of right now I havent heard anything from him (so it's been 2 full days, but it feels like forever), and I havent contacted him either. Also, I went to the gyn last night and told her what happened and getting re-tested for everything again (for the last time) just to make sure i'm ok for now. In 6 months I have to go back for my final testing for "everything" to make sure i'm ok and dont have any incurable diseases, so for now that's what i'm hoping for.

I'll keep writing, and again, thanks :)

~J