Can it really be headed this way?
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| Thu, 07-05-2007 - 11:45am |
Hello,
I am new here. My husband on Tuesday night sat down and said that "We don't have a good relationship". He said that we have nothing in common (examples given were music, movies, etc..). We have been married for almost 4 years, together almost 8 in total.
I can't say I was blind sided by this but I didn't think he would ever say the "D" word to me. He spoke to his mother that night and she thinks we should stay together, go to counseling and work it out. He agrees, so do I.
We have rough patches, as do all married couples I am sure. I have never been so terrified in my life. I don't want to stay in this relationship because it's easier... I want to stay because I love my husband and can't think of him not being in my life anymore. He's made me want to be a better person. My only gripe was that he isn't as affectionate to me as I'd like. All I wanted was a hug or kiss when it wasn't prompted by me. Was that so much to ask for?
I believe that he wants to be married to me but I can't be sure. I can never be sure what's going on in his head since I'm not him.
How do I start over if it comes to that? How do I move out, find a new home, live without him after so many years??? I've tried to think about it and all that happens is that I am devastated.
It's not even that I don't want to think of him meeting someone new, I want him to be happy. Even if that's not with me but I want it to be with me. I want him to be the father of my children. I want to buy our first home together.
I guess I just want to know if anyone has dealt with this or is dealing with it. I don't really have anyone to speak to which is why I turned to this site.
Thanks in advance.

Hugs
I know you are upset, but before you have to think about "starting over", why don't you take this one step at a time. you say that your husband agreed to therapy, you say that you also have issues with him (lack of physical affection) - so when is your first therapy session?
I am in the process of finding a therapist. I am trying to find someone that is recommended rather than just picking one from a book.
I know that I have a tendency to jump ahead of myself but I guess it's a defense mechanism where ifI start to prepare for it, if it happens I'll be ok. Yea, I know... wouldn't it be nice if it worked that way!
HI there,
I am new here, too. My husband just told me less than 3 weeks ago that he wanted a divorce/ split because he wasn't happy anymore. I had thought we were doing great- for almost 2 years (on and off according to him) he had been thinking of leaving and now (since he never ever said that anything was wrong), I have no chance to make anything work. His mom also suggested couple's therapy etc. - but he just wants out. He said we got married too young and that now, he wants to experience all the things he's missed.
I don't know how to deal with all this... I can just take it one day at a time, not much more. Hang in there, do the therapy... I really hope you guys can save your marriage!
What is up with these men?? I was 23 when we got married, he was 28. Sometimes I wonder if he's experiencing something like that. I know that he had only 1 real girlfriend before us so who really knows.
I border with being upset, accepting, and angry. I could say all the cliches to you but I am sure you know them and probably don't want to hear them. I don't really either.
My friend was like "It'll be ok, everything will work out". I wanted to yell back "How do you know! You don't!" but that wouldn't have been a good thing to do.
I guess all I can say is keep yourself strong, that's what I'm trying to do. In the end regardless if he's there or not you have to be happy with yourself.
Hi there,
I think you are very wise to get a recommendation for a counselor, having the wrong one can make a precarious situation turn bad. I hope things work out well for you, don't be afraid to see a personal counselor to help you with the emotional upheveal you are and most likely will go through during your marriage counseling. Your husband might do well to do the same (hey, the more analysis at this point, the better for uncovering things :) )
Good Luck!
Mary,
Wow! You don't have a good relationship because you don't like the same music, movies, etc? What a LAME EXCUSE for being unhappy!
Given the suddeness of his "announcement" I think your husband has been trying to find excuses for separating himself from you for a long time. That's not uncommon. Very often the person who leaves a marriage (wether they leave physically or not) has been distancing themself from their spouse for a long time. The actual leaving is just the final step for the person whose already "left" emotionally.
I agree counseling would help you both. It will help because you both need to see what's important in a marriage - and the same taste in movies and music isn't it - and how you can be happy without comparing such trivial things. I also suspect your husband has fallen for the tendancy to compare his life with what he sees on TV or his friends. Our culture focuses on beauty, wealth, and fame (which we can read all about in magazines) which is not a reality for most people who lack all of the above.
I hope you can salvage your marriage and I hope you are able to move forward. Keep us posted.
Blessings,
CL-Wisdomtooth2020