Can my Marriage end without anger?
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| Thu, 02-15-2007 - 3:35pm |
I'm separated for three weeks so far. It's been pretty good actually (for me). My H was not a bad man at all. I love him as a person, we have a beautiful DD together and he is a good dad. We just never really had a good "love" life. Such lack of affection and communication issues and we kind of just drifted apart physically very early in our R and that had a huge affect on other aspects of our R - things are now just void. I was basically living with a roomate.
Anyway, my H is such a nice guy, but he never shows any emotion. He doesn't get angry EVER. We've made good decisions together about finances and how to handle visitation with out DD. I've been very flexible and I care about him so I want to make the split as easy as possible.
I hope things are progressing in the right direction, even though I know my H is hurting inside. We are going back to our MC to get some separation counseling to help communicate better and deal with the emotions that we are having. Does this even sound normal to anyone? Is it possible to ends things without creating the animosity that I see other couples have for eachother? I want to do all possible to treat my H with respect. How many of you are "leavers" and managed to maintain a good, friendly relationship with the Ex? Thanks!

Hi your situation sounds similiar to mine. I am willing to try counseling again my H isn't. We still get along and he is seeing the kids when he can.
I do think it will get more difficult when money wise it gets tougher. We have only been seperated for 2 weeks.
I'm going through the same thing. It's been 15 days since my H left me. We have not had any contact for 8 days. All contacts before that were initiated by me. The last email sent says that he wants to help me (get all bills and such squared away), but that I need to listen to him. But then today, i realized that his paycheck wasn't deposited in the bank (not a big deal, I manage just fine), but that he is still using his check card for this account, and purchasing things on ebay! So, I reported his check card stolen, and withdrew all but $300 from the account to cover any bills that come through. I also called his auto insurance ( I just purchased a new car last weekend and started my own policy) and stopped the automatic withdrawl payment because that's just not right that I have to pay for his insurance when he's the one who left me with the 17 year old car.
So, since I've done this, I know he's going to get really mad. He was furious when I had the locks changed on the apt. But, I did the right thing. If he's not going to contribute, I don't think he should be spending the money (90% mine from my paychecks!).
I don't want this to get nasty. I want nothing more for him to call me and want to give our 9 year marriage a try again. But every day he does something else to distance himself from me.
I moved out last August. His parents are paying for a lawyer for him (I will retain one later) and we are legally separating so that he can retain my health care benefits, which are better than he can get from his own job, and he needs them until he has other options.
We married young and in response to having a baby. We have been together for 22 years and married for almost 19 of those. Our wonderful "ooops" is going to be 20 soon, and we had another DD who is 9.
Although STBX was struggling with the sadness, he seems to be better now. I have been VERY VERY VERY patient because I do not want us to end up like so many people I read about on this board. It doesn't have to be that way in our case because neither of us did anything wrong. We just don't belong together. Our MC said (after the split was decided) that she never thought we had a marriage from the first time we talked with her. We had an agreement to work towards the goal of raising our unplanned baby, and worked hard on being parents and providers, but never worked on being a couple.
Anyway, for the sakes of our kids, we agreed that we had to at least try to be "good". I must admit that not living in the same house, and finally getting our finances separated, has done much to improve those odds.
Hang in there. It is so worth it to try.
Dear Toohard2do,
It is a very difficult process, all of this.
I hope that my marriage will end without animosity as well. We were living together but questioning our marriage for over a year - my stbx started off the questioning by saying he didn't want to be married to me anymore, but changed his mind when I finally made the decision to move out. We lso married very young, and although it seemed like the right decision at the time, it doesn't anymore. There is no romance, no romantic love, no passion...and now I wonder if there ever was. But after living with him for 7 yrs, I don't hate him. I do care for him, and didn't want this to be an ugly separation. There are of course times when he's angry, depressed, confused - and me too - but that's all part of the mourning process. I'm new at this (separated 6 months ago, divorce process started a month ago), but I think the best thing I did/am doing was/is to be completely honest with my stbx, and not invent excuses to try to make him happy or avoid confrontation. Before talking to him, I think out what I want to say, what I feel, so that he would "understand" as well as possible. There are some things you can't help - you can't always predict how he will react, and you have to separate for yourself. He'll deal with it himself. Also, my therapist told me to see him as little as possible, or not at all, so that first I could decide if I missed him or not, and second to facilitate the divorce process for him. We do not have any children, and do not own a home, so I would imagine that that would be a bit more difficult in your case, but I'm sure your MC will give you good advice as well.
I don't have too much experience, but I hope that helps a little.
Good luck.
This is the 3rd time in 8 months that we've had the conversation.
We do love each other, but we are not neccessarily "in love" .
He suggested that I move in with a friend,
and just come here every day to get the kids off to school
& to work here every day.(I have a home business)
We just bought the house, & we are in the process of fixing it up.
We intend to keep it at least 1 more year,
complete the repair projects before we sell.
We just can't take the gut wrenching pain of non-decision anymore.
I feel sick, but I don't know what else to do.
I've brought this on myself, so I guess in time I'll feel better.
I am already second guessing myself, but that's probably normal?
Lost,
Ending a marriage is a difficult and heart-wrenching process. As you know, coming apart is fraught with grief, anger, disappointment, dissolutionment, heartbreak, and other dark emotions. It's not something you can process in "neutral" even if you both agree that ending your marriage is the best for each of you.
Having said that, I'd advise you not to expect to be friends through the divorce or right afterward. The reason? See the first paragraph. You're in an adversarial relationship right now by virtue of the divorce. It will take time for both of you to see one another as people who like each other. Get through the divorce and heal first; then see if you can reconnect as friends.
As for your son, he needs to understand this split is about you and his father, not him. If you think it would be helpful to your son, by all means take him to a counselor and give him assistance in processing your divorce. Even if you and your husband don't ever see eye to eye about your relationship, your son needs to know you both love him and you both want whats best for him.
Good luck.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020