The can of worms...OMG
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| Thu, 06-01-2006 - 10:12am |
Wow, wow... I'm in absolute shock right now. A HUGE can of worms has been opened and I'm feeling very uneasy about it. I called my ex's girlfriend to make sure we're on the same page regarding my kids. She was a doll. A bit too much so. We talked for an hour and a half - eek. Apparently he's attracted to women who are like me, friendly, chatty and social. The first part of the conversation was all about the kids. She's actually excited about having the kids and has some ideas of things to do with them. I felt very very comfortable with her. Then I asked her if she had any questions about the kids and she wanted to know if she takes them to the beach after 4 if they need sunscreen (so glad she asked this!), what kinds of food they like etc. Then she started to ask me about my relationship with my ex (who has now apparently changed his first name - freaked me out everytime she called him by it). I first said no, I wasn't calling to talk about him, but just to discuss the children but she told me she really wants to know. Apparently he's been very vague about our seperation and divorce but he's told her that he did and said things to me when he tried to cheat on me that he'll never forgive himself for. She begged me so I told he what they were and she got very nervous. I got a litle chuckle that when I told her he told me that he'd only stay married to me if I lost 30-40 pounds (among other physical things) she said "Melanie, I'm well over 200 lbs.". So apparently my vision of her being the next Winona Rider (he always told me he wanted me to be a waif like her) was way off. LOL. She asked many many questions and while I answered them honestly, I did remind her that it was my perspective and he could very well be a very different person than he was with me. Although she told me that she's noticed some pretty big red flags though regarding employment so apparently that hasn't changed at all. I was shocked and a bit sickened that he talks about marrying her and having a baby with her "all the time" but when we found out that our son was a boy the first thing he said was, "Good then we're done having kids!". YUCK. I didn't have the heart to tell her he was disgusted by my body when I was pregnant. UGH. Anyway, I feel very confused by the conversation. On the one hand, it felt good to tell her my side, but on the other I don't want to cause distress in their relationship. It was never my intention to do that - I hadn't planned on saying one thing about ex to her. I'm in a quandry now, she said she has my number and will call me if she needs to talk. I liked her, but I don't want to become her confidante. I think that's a very precarious place to be, you know? Since it's all done already and I can't take it back there's nothing I can do, but I do wish I'd been a bit more private. I honestly spilled my guts. OOps.
Melanie

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Well, Mel, there's nothing you can do about it now, but as you seem to already know, do not allow this woman to use you for information. If she's seeing red flags and is insecure in their relationship then that is HER problem, not yours. If there was something horrible that you knew that could be a danger to her, like you divorced him because you found out he had killed his last three wives, then by all means tell the stupid woman.
It's hilarious to me that she'd consider calling you again, as if the ex wife wants to hear all the details of her ex's relationship. You seem like a very nice, sweet person, and I'm sure you'll be able to tell her you don't want to be put in this postion in the nicest way possible. (Unlike me who'd probably give a laugh and a pff and say "You wanted the bastard so bad, now you have him. Deal with it, missy" :P )
I agree exactly with what you're saying. I am worried about her though. She told me things about her ex that are EXACTLY like mine and she said she's waited nearly 8 years to date because she was always afraid she'd be attracted to the same thing. I think she's right. She actually told me that when she saw some red flags, she thought she was just over analyzing the situation. I don't know what I'll do, but I do know that I'm done spilling my guts. If I talk to her about the ex in any way, it'll be more diplomatic and I won't talk as much and I'll definatly have my brain in gear while I'm blabbing. Last night I went on and on and while I'd probably have stopped if she didn't keep feeding me questions, I found myself talking without thinking first and I don't like to do that. Honestly, it felt very good while I did it, but it felt pretty awful once I was done. I'm sure my ex is pissed at me now. That was definatly not my intention. Oh well.
Melanie
As angry as I have been regarding my ex and the woman he chose, I too have felt sorry for her and, weirdest of all, a bit protective. So I do understand where your coming from on that, but you cannot take the burden of helping her realize she's picked another loser. If she's grown as she had hoped to then she will realize what she's done pretty soon and have the strength to get out.
When I found out my ex's gf has very serious health issues I reamed him a new one. I spent a good 15 minutes telling him that she is not going to be able to handle his unemployment, financial issues, mess issues, nor his need to be babysat 24/7. I was yelling and feeling like I needed to help this poor stupid girl. But, you know what? They're still together and all it did was make me look like a bitch and not like I was concerned about her. All he did was go back and tell her how mean I am.
Even if you see her heading for diaster, let her figure it out. She's not in any danger of abuse, so you are just setting yourself up for drama if you let her talk to you about him again. Also, there is the possibility that she may tell him what you say, but not in the context of her having asked you. THAT would seriously blow up in your face if he starts to believe you're out to sabotage his new relationship.
I find it quite offensive gwen that you call his new girlfriend stupid. It isn't like his new girlfriend is the OW in the situation, and I don't think namecalling is really needed do you?
Really I think she was asking BECAUSE she saw red flags and could probably tell he wasn't being straight forward with her. That doesn't mean the woman is stupid.
Mel, be careful! After XH had his depressive episode and NW and I started talking, I thought "Gee, we could be friends. Won't that be nice?" and I told her things I probably shouldn't have. But as the "relationship" progressed, I realized that she was pumping me for information so she could use it against me.
Just be careful where you tread!
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
It's weird, but really not that disturbing. He hasn't had a major name change, just gone from an always used nickname to a full name he NEVER used. Like going from Dick to Richard. I found it odd, but since he's using his formal name, it only gives him the sense of change, it doesn't help him as far as his credit (which sucks btw).
Melanie
Umm, I didn't mean to start an argument or offend anyone with being flip and calling her stupid. I'm sorry, but a gf who is seeing red flags, speaks to the ex wife and then insinuates she may be calling to talk to the ex wife for further info doesn't seem like someone who is thinking.
If I were Mel I would feel sorry for her also, and I can even see her one time asking some questions to the ex about the new bf. But if she thinks something is wrong enough that further conversations may be needed, then she should have the sense to maybe get out of the relationship or handle it another way?
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