The can of worms...OMG
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| Thu, 06-01-2006 - 10:12am |
Wow, wow... I'm in absolute shock right now. A HUGE can of worms has been opened and I'm feeling very uneasy about it. I called my ex's girlfriend to make sure we're on the same page regarding my kids. She was a doll. A bit too much so. We talked for an hour and a half - eek. Apparently he's attracted to women who are like me, friendly, chatty and social. The first part of the conversation was all about the kids. She's actually excited about having the kids and has some ideas of things to do with them. I felt very very comfortable with her. Then I asked her if she had any questions about the kids and she wanted to know if she takes them to the beach after 4 if they need sunscreen (so glad she asked this!), what kinds of food they like etc. Then she started to ask me about my relationship with my ex (who has now apparently changed his first name - freaked me out everytime she called him by it). I first said no, I wasn't calling to talk about him, but just to discuss the children but she told me she really wants to know. Apparently he's been very vague about our seperation and divorce but he's told her that he did and said things to me when he tried to cheat on me that he'll never forgive himself for. She begged me so I told he what they were and she got very nervous. I got a litle chuckle that when I told her he told me that he'd only stay married to me if I lost 30-40 pounds (among other physical things) she said "Melanie, I'm well over 200 lbs.". So apparently my vision of her being the next Winona Rider (he always told me he wanted me to be a waif like her) was way off. LOL. She asked many many questions and while I answered them honestly, I did remind her that it was my perspective and he could very well be a very different person than he was with me. Although she told me that she's noticed some pretty big red flags though regarding employment so apparently that hasn't changed at all. I was shocked and a bit sickened that he talks about marrying her and having a baby with her "all the time" but when we found out that our son was a boy the first thing he said was, "Good then we're done having kids!". YUCK. I didn't have the heart to tell her he was disgusted by my body when I was pregnant. UGH. Anyway, I feel very confused by the conversation. On the one hand, it felt good to tell her my side, but on the other I don't want to cause distress in their relationship. It was never my intention to do that - I hadn't planned on saying one thing about ex to her. I'm in a quandry now, she said she has my number and will call me if she needs to talk. I liked her, but I don't want to become her confidante. I think that's a very precarious place to be, you know? Since it's all done already and I can't take it back there's nothing I can do, but I do wish I'd been a bit more private. I honestly spilled my guts. OOps.
Melanie

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Edited 6/1/2006 3:16 pm ET by sniffle_sally
I don't know that she is 'stupid' - but your comments got me to thinking that maybe this new gf is seeking reassurance that 'all is well' in her relationship. Could be that despite the red flags, she wants things to work out with this guy!? To hear that maybe the bad things she imagines were not really that bad?
It is interesting that you mentioned that you felt sorry for and a bit protective of your ex's new gf - I feel that way about my ex's fiancee. It does feel very weird. It is something that I am trying very hard to let go of. My ex was sometimes mentally and verbally abusive, apparently had a porn addiction and he also was doing some things that were against the law (no, he didn't get caught - except by me). Anyway, I have nightmares where the fiancee comes to me in tears and asks me why I didn't tell her everything. Or I am trying to tell her about it and my ex finds out and comes after me. It is something that I plan on discussing with my therapist some more because I feel so exhausted by those dreams and want them to stop!
Anyway, I did have a lot of e-mails back and forth with the fiancee and now she's cut off all contact. I likely came across weird - maybe she could pick up that I was not telling her something - or she may still think I want the ex back (HA!) and that I was trying to break them up. I do know that some of the information she got from me didn't jive with what he had told her....and I really think you just can't predict how things will fall out from that kind of thing. I think it is likely that the new women would much rather believe that they've got a prince of a guy and are not going to believe anything bad you tell them. My family told me they thought it best not to discuss the past with the fiancee - and I think they are right.
So in my situation, I am definitely trying to keep things civil and not talk about anything with them but my ds!
I don't take offense to you calling her stupid, I think you meant naive really. I see myself in her. I saw the writing on the wall, but kept going thinking I can make it work. I hope for her sake he has changed or if he hasn't that she has the sense to either get out or just keep this relationship going with a grain of salt. He's not a bad guy, just passive and socially inept to the point of being nearly paralyzed. It was kinda scary to hear her talk of some of the ways he's changed, but the ways that are permenent (personality) are all still the same. If I were her I'd get out, but they JUST moved into a new apartment this past weekend and she even said she didn't know what she was going to do. I'm going to have to be strong and not talk to her about him anymore. I can do it, but it's hard.
Melanie
My ex was never really abusive, but he was neglectful. I think if he had ever done something directly to hurt me I would probably warn her once and then let it go, but in my situation I addressed him directly about her and how he needs to stop doing some of what he does. When I talk to her it's about the kids or general chit chat. I really can't see me ever talking to her in clarifying my ex's past behavior to help her. She was after him long before we were divorcing and as far as I'm concerned she got the prize she was after and she gets to deal with it now.
In my situation I'm conflicted. Part of me wants to protect her from what I know she's got to deal with, but the bigger part of me is laughing because I know she now sees it's no piece of cake living with him.
As far as Mel's situation, I do think she should cut it off now. Maybe the woman needed reassurance, maybe she needed someone to spell it out for her. But whether either of those possibilities are true or not, the biggest thing is that if she starts pressuring Mel to play confidante, it could easily blow up in Mel's face. Nobody needs that drama.
LOL no, but it's so weird for me because we were together for very near 17 years (just a month shy) and I NEVER heard anyone call him by his full name. It was odd, but he's odd, so why am I surprised??
Mel
Yes, that's exactly it. She was trying to see if her red flags were indeed red or if it was her being overly cautious. She said she and her friends regularly marvel at how ANY WOMAN would give him up - he's just so great (OMG). And then the next thing she says is,
"So tell me about the jobless situation. Why was he out of work for so long?" and when I filled her in she was saying "Oh yea, I see that already, I've already been nervous about that and was telling myself, hmmm now I see why maybe his wife left him.". She also asked about any addictions and was shocked when I told her. The porn addiction came as a very ironic surprise because apparently just the other day he brought up to her that he likes to look at porn, but he's not a pervert or anything, just a regular guy. I don't think he's a pervert (the porn he liked was pretty normal stuff) but he's an addict. I told her she may want to check the history on her computer after he gets off of it and be careful about opening windows and e-mails around her son. It got to the point that my ex had so much porno spam and pop ups when he was signed into the computer that we couldn't allow our children in the room with him when he was online. Of course this fed the addiction, then he had automatic privacy. Sigh....
Melanie
edited to add that I mentioned to her that I felt like I had to make up stories and cover up for the fact that he wasn't looking for work in his field and she admitted that she's already doing that too. She said her parents both were trying to help find an engineering job for ex but that he found one reason or another why he didn't fit the description or couldn't fill the job. She said she told her parents that he's been looking for jobs and interviewing and that it's not true. Oh the lives we lead hoping to be in a good relationship. I do feel bad for her, but she's actually a bright woman and will see through him eventually.
Edited 6/1/2006 3:50 pm ET by eatatmoms
Yep, I have way enough drama in my life without dealing with my ex's personal life. I've learned my lesson already and I promise ladies it won't happen again! :).
Melanie
I am SOOOOOOO glad my ex’s new wife lives in a different country. Supposedly she knows of his extensive track record of cheating. And, she probably believes him when he says he as changed. But, I find it hard to believe that he is “new and improved”. In fact, I know that he cheated on the woman (girl ???) he was cheating with when I kicked him out.
Also, my ex informed me his new wife does not like me. Hmmm…I NEVER EVEN MET HER, so what is she basing her opinion on??? His CRAP, that’s what!
It must be nice to have someone validating your opinion of your ex, but I would be very careful.
I agree with the comments already posted here.
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