The can of worms...OMG

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
The can of worms...OMG
25
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 10:12am

Wow, wow... I'm in absolute shock right now. A HUGE can of worms has been opened and I'm feeling very uneasy about it. I called my ex's girlfriend to make sure we're on the same page regarding my kids. She was a doll. A bit too much so. We talked for an hour and a half - eek. Apparently he's attracted to women who are like me, friendly, chatty and social. The first part of the conversation was all about the kids. She's actually excited about having the kids and has some ideas of things to do with them. I felt very very comfortable with her. Then I asked her if she had any questions about the kids and she wanted to know if she takes them to the beach after 4 if they need sunscreen (so glad she asked this!), what kinds of food they like etc. Then she started to ask me about my relationship with my ex (who has now apparently changed his first name - freaked me out everytime she called him by it). I first said no, I wasn't calling to talk about him, but just to discuss the children but she told me she really wants to know. Apparently he's been very vague about our seperation and divorce but he's told her that he did and said things to me when he tried to cheat on me that he'll never forgive himself for. She begged me so I told he what they were and she got very nervous. I got a litle chuckle that when I told her he told me that he'd only stay married to me if I lost 30-40 pounds (among other physical things) she said "Melanie, I'm well over 200 lbs.". So apparently my vision of her being the next Winona Rider (he always told me he wanted me to be a waif like her) was way off. LOL. She asked many many questions and while I answered them honestly, I did remind her that it was my perspective and he could very well be a very different person than he was with me. Although she told me that she's noticed some pretty big red flags though regarding employment so apparently that hasn't changed at all. I was shocked and a bit sickened that he talks about marrying her and having a baby with her "all the time" but when we found out that our son was a boy the first thing he said was, "Good then we're done having kids!". YUCK. I didn't have the heart to tell her he was disgusted by my body when I was pregnant. UGH. Anyway, I feel very confused by the conversation. On the one hand, it felt good to tell her my side, but on the other I don't want to cause distress in their relationship. It was never my intention to do that - I hadn't planned on saying one thing about ex to her. I'm in a quandry now, she said she has my number and will call me if she needs to talk. I liked her, but I don't want to become her confidante. I think that's a very precarious place to be, you know? Since it's all done already and I can't take it back there's nothing I can do, but I do wish I'd been a bit more private. I honestly spilled my guts. OOps.

Melanie

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Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 8:52am

Thanks everyone for all your replies. I agree with you all and there will be no more conversations about my ex with her unless it is directly in regard to my children (who she will be watching for a month this summer). I've been bracing myself for another call from her, but so far so good. Perhaps she's gotten the info she wanted/needed and is ready to do what she needs to to either stay with my ex or leave him. Funny thing is I don't want her to leave him, I trust her with my kids more than I trust him! I had a weak moment with that conversation and like I said, it felt very good to talk about it, but afterwards I felt awful about it. I'm leaving it in the past and have learned from my mistakes once again. That's the great thing about making mitakes you know!

Melanie

PS and I have to admit that I love the fact that she weighs over 50 pounds more than I do. I'm the kind of person who believes beauty comes in all sizes but considering what my ex put me through when I only weighed 20 pounds more than I do now... karma karma karma.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 8:58am

Maybe he's realized that beauty doesn't come just in small packages. Lets face it mel he wouldn't be with her if he didn't want to be. I think your ex abused you because he could, abusive men prey on people they can beat up on, whether it be physically, verbally or emotionally, an abusive man would have a very different demeanor in a room with someone meek and say in a room with me, I'm pretty sure, there would be NO disrespect flung my way. You know what I'm saying???

So you have found your voice NOW after all these years, but I am sure for a long time you didn't have a voice, you aimed to please him in every way and he knew that so he abused you verbally and emotionally, when you learn it has nothing to do with weight and everything to do with control.

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 9:03am

Exactly! For so long I felt that since he was a quiet passive person he couldn't possibly being abusive to me - HA! I'm hardly meek, but I was crazy about him from the moment we met and he found comfort and power in that. As for the weight issue, he used what I was most sensitive about against me. I knew pretty soon when after I lost the weight and did everything else on his list and he was still miserable that it had nothing to do with ME or my looks and everything to do with HIM and his issues.

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 9:12am

Hi. I just want to add that you can right this. You can tell your ex's gf in your next phone call that you were caught off guard and that while it is very tempting to have these conversations, it is not in your best interest to do it again. You can even apologize and take the high road and say "I'm sorry we had that conversation. I understand your need to discuss him with me, but it isn't fair to me and it isn't fair to the ex." I think she is very manipulative. Leave it at that. Give her time for a sentence or two and then end the conversation.

You know, it isn't fair to you. You have been through the mill (haven't we all) and it puts you back in a place where he is taking up too much of your thinking time. She doesn't care about this. We're only human. Divorce has taken such an emotional toll on each and every one of us. Protect yourself. This isn't just about right and wrong -- and should you discuss your ex with the gf. To hell with that. This is about holding onto your sanity, getting back to where you were emotion-wise, and knowing that we all make mistakes -- and in the grand scheme of things, compared to what he put you through -- this is a very tine one.

Okay, I'm done. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 9:17am
No harm done! You got some good info, and gave some, too. Next time, just cut the conversation short if she gets off the topic of the kids. You said you feel comfortable with her, so I think that will be a real relief when she's caring for your children. So in the end, you may have given up a little too much information, but I think the result will be fine.




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