Can you really grow apart?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2006
Can you really grow apart?
5
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 4:54pm

Hi Everybody!

I'm from the BSSG board and was lurking aound. Long story short... my H cheated on me after being together 11 years total(married 6 tommorrow)and we have just started the "rebuilding process". We've only started that a month ago. We are starting counseling together in a week. I've been going by myself. I'm not sure if this is going to work or not that's why I was lurking on your board.

I was just reading an article in People magazine about Chad Lowe and Hilary Swank. It said after trying to reconcile and going to counseling they have decided to file for D. It stated that they had "simply grown apart". Do you really believe people can just grow apart? I mean, my H would probably say that but only because that was a result from his affair.

What do you guys think? I don't like how that sounds...

Shocked

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 5:17pm

Hi Shocked.... I do think so!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 9:28pm
Shocked, If you really want to rebuild your marriage I have the perfect book for you. It is called "The Five love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It has the most insight I have ever read. I too wanted to save my marriage and found it too late. I hope to use it to bring him back. I don't know about the term "growing apart". Maybe it's true, but I have to believe that you can grow back together too. Read the book. It will help. Good Luck and God Bless. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 6:21am
Yes, you can deffinetly grow apart.
My dh and I have been together for 20 years, 3 kids. He is 50 and I am 41.
His whole life is going to work and coming home and watching t.v. I am very active. I love to go out with friends, read books, travel etc. He is kind of anti-social, only wants to watch t.v.
There are things I want to do like learn to ride a harley, bellydance etc. He is unsupportive and critical of me trying new things
I want to own my own business one day. He dreams of living in his camper and working as a greeter at Wal Mart for his retirement years.
We go out and our covnersations are pretty much non existent or he talks about the weather because he has no intersts, hobbies etc.
His get up an go, has gotten up and gone, so to speak.
So, I am now having an affiar and want to get divorced.Not for the guy I am having an affiar with. He is also married. I just want to be on my own and LIVE life instead of letting it pass me by. I want that emotional connection with someone and that is greatly missing from our relationship because he is totally emotionally unsupportive.
I posted a long message about my situation on the "should i stay or should i leave" boards.
But its very hard to leave someone when the don't beat you, type thing. In general he is a good guy........i am just bored out of my mind and not sexually attracted to him anymore. He is in good shape, but there is just so much anger and resentment underneath that it clouds everything. But its hard to leave when your married to a generally nice guy.
yes, we have been to counseling, read books etc. He quit counseling after the 3rd visit sayin it is stupid.
He had a cocaine problem the first 8 years of our marriage so that is something that greatly effects you marriage also.
So I truly believe people can grow, but not in the same way and at the same time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 7:31am
Yes, you can. However, the marriage VOW says you will both work to grow back together. People change over time and the vow is about BOTH partners working to find common ground again. Unfortunately, many times one partner uses the "low" time as a reason to just leave. Instead of trying, the person feels like a new partner or new life would be better. Problem is, the new partner will change as well and that relationship will need work. As you can tell, I get frustrated because commitment doesn't mean anything anymore. No, I don't believe people should be miserable forever. If you have a partner that just won't try, there isn't much you can do. My point is that couples need to really work on their relationship together through work and compromise BEFORE throwing in the towel or seeking relationships outside of the marriage. After putting in 100% effort (from both sides) or learning that your partner isn't going to make any effort, THEN start the divorce process. So, yes I think people can grow apart but they can also grow back together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 11:11am
I totally agree with kbach about working to grow back together. Its great if that can happen but underneath all your anger etc, you need to still have "that lovin feeling" that you can dig up again in order to grow back together.
But in my case, its all just dead. I simply don't love him anymore. I actually told him march 2005 I wanted a divorce. I remember telling my sister that telling him that evoked no more emotion from me then ordering a cheeseburger at burger king. I was totally numb, ready to move on. But i stayed cuz he begged and pleaded.
I am not a party person, don't smoke drink etc. But when I go out with my girlfriends for coffee 2x a month and come home at 11 p.m., he tells me " a married women your age shouldn't be out running the streets at night" Excuse me? I am 2 miles from home at Starbucks!! I work out everyday and he has told me "no matter how much you work out you will always be ugly" However I am 41 and often mistaken for 30 so I must be doing something right.
Right now we are going through a bankruptcy due to my business failing. I used to own a cooking school. On top of that there have been other things going on in life so i wrote him and email and told him how unhappy i was and that loosing our house etc "felt like a death to me". He called me and said "If you are going to email me crap like that then don't bother. You need to sweep your feelings under a rug and put on a happy face"
So to me, to rekindle that relationship you have to have some emotional connection, respect etc in the relationship and its just vacant for me.
So now I am faced with deciding if I divorce him or not. We have 3 kids, one graduated and 2 in high school. The only reason I stay is because I keep telling myself "well at least he's not physically abusive, works a good job, puts a roof over our heads"
In general he is a decent person, but I just don't love him. I don't love my affiar guy either. He just serves a physical purpose cause even though dh and I have sex, I have faked it for years. The affair guy is just a passing thing and him and I both know that so he doesn't play into my reason for wanting to leave.
Unfortunately, I have to make a decision on this within several days becuaes our house sold and the trustee said we have to leave by July 30th. We have jobs waiting for both of us in Florida (we are in michigan) but I feel its wrong to uproot him from his home here, parents etc and then end up divorcing him in Florida. So if I am going to go, I need to tell him soon.
I obviously have lots of pros and cons to weigh.