Can you separate & live amicably togethe

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2007
Can you separate & live amicably togethe
3
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 6:34pm

It's been 3 months since I've decided I need more from someone to be married to them and told my H that I want to separate. I've been so angry at him, the situation, the past (his affair and what I see as his lack of fixing the situation). I've come to the realisation over those 3 months that he does care for me but no, he doesn't love me anymore and probably hasn't for a very long time, not romantic love anyway. I still care about him too deeply and it is probably why I am so angry at him and have been so upset coming to my decision.

We had a discussion (over sms) the other night which got quite heated and he said some things that really made me think and since then I've tried to be more amicable and less angry. It seems to be working. I really need to get over the initial reason (his affair) and focus on what is happening now and what is best for us all, me and the kids I guess are my major priority but he'll also have the kids some of the time, so I need to think about that too. I've been so focused on just getting away from him because it hurts every time I look at him and he doesn't want me, you know.....

The past few days we've negotiated well with taking turns with the kids, both getting out and doing things we enjoy and we're still living in the nice house. We're both going to have to downgrade unbelievably if we sell up and move. He's said all along over the past 3 months that he'd prefer to keep the house a while longer and fix up a few things on it and then sell while I've been "No, sell NOW"...

If I think about the now and future maybe he's right. But I need to block the bad feelings about him rejecting me and just concentrate on moving ahead but can I do it here? I'm not talking forever, maybe just for a few more months. My family are pressuring me to get the real estate agents in, to get out, now that I've made the decision they want me to move ahead with it, they're afraid I'll be in this rut for another 5/10/15 years and my life will be over. But I know that's not going to happen. I know it's over. I do know I'll have problems if he meets someone else before me but that's another post I guess...

Has anyone else lived together for any length of time and managed to maintain a good relationship whilst both getting on with your lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
I don't know if it's possible,
but that is what we are getting ready to try too.
Good Luck to us all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006

Hi gabby! I lurk & post sporadically on this bd, to give advice and support to other posters going thru this 'process.' To answer your question, my stbx and I have shared a house with our two teens, while we've been working out the details of the divorce. We agreed to this arrangement as it is best for our kids right now, and I didn't believe that it was necessary for him to spend joint funds to pay rent (he is planning to buy a house nearby). It is now going on almost 11 mths since i moved out of 'our' bedrm & moved into the guest rm. During this time, we've done extensive couple's counseling (last summer), and jointly came to the decision that divorce was the best outcome after yrs of working on our problems.

While we still live in the same house (and yes, i still cook & do laundry for stbx as i don't feel that it's a real imposition since i'm already doing it for the rest of the family) -- we try to be civil to each other -- it mostly works because we don't talk to each other that much and leave the 'big' issues connected to the divorce to our meetings with the mediator. We've certainly had our moments though -- but we can manage to 'leave each alone' when necessary. A lot of people may wonder why i would 'allow' stbx to stay in the house -- well, my feeling is that i have to maintain a relationship with him going forward since we have kids together & anything to minimize reasons to antagonize him during this process, is worth it to me. Plus, it is an example to our kids that their parents can work through these things in a civil way. I appreciate that this could never work for most couples who have decided to get divorced, due to the underlying 'causes'. In our case, neither one of us is leaving for someone else -- so that minimizes a big factor (that other couples deal with) right there. Also, I know that for some people, the other spouse refuses to leave -- but that is not an issue here.

If you and your stbx are willing to go for couple's counseling -- I would highly recommend it as most people go through the phase of doubting whether they're doing the right thing or not, and talking it through with an 'unbiased' party really helps to clarify things.

Best of luck with everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006

I would not say my stbx and I have had a good relationship while still together, but with children involved, taking it relatively slowly and carefully is MUCH the better way to go about a separation and divorce.

We have had major struggles with timing, with my stbx wanting out NOW! But, honestly, it would have made a bad situation a real crisis for everyone, most especially my two children if we had followed his (il)logic.

We thought we had a date for move out, but the financial pieces and the parenting planning have taken much longer than anticipated and more complications.

So, it will be at least two more months together and although I am ready to stop being reminded of how upset I am with my stbx (by having him out), I know it will be much better to have the financial stuff (support, assets, etc) sorted out and the parenting plan clear before we officially and physically part.

And I know it will be better for the kids if we have all our ducks in a row and the process is smooth because it is going to be hell for them even if it is "smooth."

So don't rush it. You have survived this long. Distract yourself by doing all the work of separation; financial, legal negotiations, planning for the custody of the kids etc. Really thinking through the consequences of holding on to the house or selling sooner, etc. There is alot to consider.

And continue what you are doing which is alternating care of the kids and getting out. That helps everyone get used to the new pattern. We are doing that a bit.

Gl and keep on coming to the board to share.

M