Candid Answers Welcomed

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Candid Answers Welcomed
19
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 1:58am

I'm desperate for information, I have all these questions but no one will talk with me about them. None of my divorced friends want to talk with me about their divorce because it is too awkward or too fresh for them.

a) What facilitates conversation & communication in a marriage and during divorce proceedings?

b) Why do communication barriers occur?

c) Does talking out a problem or differences with one’s spouse work?

d) What kind of expectations did you have of your spouse during marriage?

e) Of your marriage?

f) Did you talk about your expectations with your spouse?

g) What are the effects of marrying young?

h) Did marrying later help the marriage?

i) Did marriage change your perception of self?

It seems like many people have similar situations like above but I would like a candid opinion on these questions, not a soft and polite answer.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 8:47am

Well.... we are definitely the Queens of Candor, so I'll give your questions a shot!


a) What facilitates conversation & communication in a marriage and during divorce proceedings?


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 9:08am

penguinangel...

Pianoguy doesn't wish to be disrespectful, but your questions are phrased like A SURVEY!

And as most ivillagers know by now...I DON'T DO SURVEYS ON ANY SUBJECT! Many of the ones
we see on this (and other ivillage boards) are actually from "telemarketers in disguise!"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 1:48pm

Hi Pianoguy,

My name is Rachel and I'm 21 years old. My mother divorced at 24 and does not talk about her former marriage. This is all I know and my my older sister does not talk about her experience as a kid. I am trying to piece together what both of them have mentioned in passing to them, as both have refused to have a sit down conversation on the topic. I asked a few of my family's friends who have had divorces if they would talk with me and they did not want to speak on the subject.

Thus, the questions seem blunt and straightforward but I have been thinking about them for quite some time.

I am sorry if the questions sound like they are from a survey and I understand that you do not do surveys...I dislike surveys myself.

The main question weighing on my mind has been: why marry at all? Is there a point to marriage when I could live with boyfriend and hold communal property, it just seems like there are other solutions (for lack of a better word).

Rachel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 1:54pm
One thing that I have learned is that life is neither blunt or straightforward.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 3:20pm

Hi Rachel!

First....you made PG SMILE this afternoon. THANKS! :)

Since you clarified the reasons why you've asked so many questions...which, by the way, Karen answered BRILLIANTLY in her earlier response, I'd like to provide a man's viewpoint...if that's okay???

Many Women often marry because they're deeply in love OR need to "escape from a bad household or family environment!" They aren't thrilled about being single and based upon their educational background and lifestyle...usually come into a marriage with energy, enthusiasm and a honest desire to make things work? This 'desire' doesn't necessarily mean there will be IMPROVEMENTS IN HER LIFE, but that her 'day-to-day lifestyle' will certainly be different?

I guess most women are seeking out LOVE, FRIENDSHIP, SECURITY, STABILITY, and SEX (although this order can vary depending upon the woman and her expectations)?

Men usually marry for LOVE, SEX, STARTING A FAMILY, COMPANIONSHIP, CONVERSATION, COMPATIBILITY & UNDERSTANDING (and the order of priority for these really depends upon how much a man is willing to "share" with the woman he has chosen).

WHY MARRY?

Lots of the reasons that I've mentioned (above) certainly apply. But I think a major reason is to "avoid loneliness"---particularly in our later years? While there are men and women who do INCREDIBLY WELL "on their own"...I think most members of both sexes like the idea of having 'someone to come home to', and to pamper, take care of, and LOVE!

.

If you find that your personal life ISN'T fulfilling enough and HAVE FOUND "The Right somebody to love" (which is a song cue from an old Shirley Temple movie)---I think MARRIAGE is definitely a better option? Unfortunately, many couples enter a marriage expecting the 'dream cottage', 'perfect partner' and the "THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER ENDING?" MAJOR MISTAKE!

Fortunately or unfortunately (depending upon how hard you're willing to work)....most marriages require a lot more effort, sacrifice, stamina, and especially...the ability to FORGIVE a partner when HE or SHE has "screwed up!" Add a few children to the mix and life is even more of a challenge!

As for the "living with your boyfriend" issue...I think you both need to determine WHAT POSSESSIONS BELONGS TO WHOM before you move in together? Make 3 copies of your list...one for each of you, and the third for a notary to witness and sign along with each of your signatures! This way (in the event the 2 of you should break up)...you've got written documentation when it comes to 'splitting existing stuff up!'

I can't tell you how to divide belongings that the 2 of you buy (or acquire) while you're married or living together. Assuming each of you can behave like a responsible adult (should a break-up ever occur), I'm willing to bet the 2 of you can work things out 'amicably?' If not....look in the yellow pages under the word: ATTORNEY!

My apologies to all of my ivillager friends (who have gotten this far) for such a 'long winded' answer!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 3:55pm

Dear Pianoguy,

Thank you for your insights, of course I don't mind having a man's viewpoint!

When you mentioned that the 'day-to-day lifestyle' will certainly be different...it is that marriage will be the necessary change for a better life?

My mom and I are both "independent women". I'd like to have an equal relationship with my husband...but that seems to have caused problems with my mom and some of her friends...does compatiablity play an issue here or do you think it is more of a personality preference of the husband? This seems to be yet another challenge that both spouses need to breach.

Thank you again, and I hope I can be a supportive member of this community :)

Rachel

P.S. The hot tub idea sounds great for Karen and all the moms out there! Much respect for all the hardwork that you all do for your families.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 4:47pm

Hey... thanks for the hot tub kudos (I should really just get one and throw a BIG ole party for all of my wonderful iVillage buddies--wouldn't that be sweet?!)


I think that both partners can maintain their individuality... and sense of self, independent from their partner... if they work at it.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 2:01am

The analogy is great. Plants take time and care, some more than others. Many are picky about the kind of soil that they take root in and need more fertilization than corn (a very greedy plant, removes a lot of nutrients from the soil).

People can be very uneasy about letting down roots and sharing themselves with others.

Thank you for taking time to answer my post. You are doing a great job answering posts from all of us on this message board, keep up the good work!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 8:48am

Why thank you!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 9:23am

Hi Penguinangel!

Here's a PS from PG:

It's not the independent woman that bothers most men...it's her attitude!

Some men aren't intimidated in the slightest by 'independent women'---and actually embrace the concept! Knowing that she can survive on her own can often be REFRESHING! The problems start to occur when an I.W. verbally tells her husband (or her b/f): "I DON'T NEED YOU IN MY LIFE! I CAN SURVIVE PERFECTLY WELL ALONE!"

Then we're forced to make the choice of continuing the relationship the way it currently stands..or "bailing out" in favor of someone who MIGHT need us a little bit more?

There's no way to predict how successful anybody's "day-to-day" lifestyle will be after 2 single people become a couple! Sometimes things get BETTER...sometimes WORSE!

Pianoguy

Pages