Can't handle anymore!!-long msge
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Can't handle anymore!!-long msge
| Thu, 07-05-2007 - 9:00pm |
Hi All. I am new to this board and have been reading many posts over the past 6 months. I hope my story isn't too long, but here goes. My husband and I have been together for 20 years and just passed our 17th anniversary mark. He had already moved out but made love to me the night before our anniversary then went back to his so called friends house. And spent a few hours with me and our kids the day of our anniversary. We have 3 children and life the last 11 months has been awful. My husband had his own business and the guy he rented the shop from and his wife separated about 7 months ago. My husband was apparantly being a friend to this woman and was helping her out with her problems. Well this caused major problems in my marriage and my husband kept playing the game of "We're only friends and I'm helping her through her separation and divorce." The texting and visits to her house were happening way to much for a so called Friendship. Well things kept getting worse and my husband was spending more time with her and her kids instead of my and our kids. The more I pryed and dug into his life, the worse things got. I thought his life was also my life. Apparantly not. He'd told me that he'd probably being moving out, but of course every time he wanted to go, I would get upset and tell him not to. Finally 4 weeks ago, I had enough and told him to pack his bags. He told me he was taking her to his family reunion and I lost it. Things have been really crazy since then. I now feel like the other woman in his life. He's texting me now and if I text him for something I or the kids need, he calls me instead of texting back. Although he hasn't lived in our house for the past 4 weeks, he has been at our house late at night and in my bed more than enough. I'm really trying to get him back but am wondering if it's worth it. I love him so much and am not willing to give up 20 years just yet. This other woman has sucked him so bad, I'm not sure if he can get out. He is living with her now and she has her kids every other week. I have made the rule that our kids are not allowed to spend time with him at her house or be anywhere near her. He went to his family reunion, but texted me throughout the 6 hour trip and the whole weekend. At one point he texted saying that he missed us and loved me and the kids but could never forgive himself. Then a few hours later, called and told me that he really missed us and loved us. I am so confused and messed up I really don't know what to do. We see him at our home almost every day, as I don't want to lose contact with him. In my heart I don't think that he really wants to leave us, but this woman has some kind of hold on him. I told him that about half an hour ago and his comment was that he's taking one day at a time. He doesn't want me to put my life on hold, but I am willing to do anything to get him back. Even after everything he has put me through. I have not even come close to writing the crap I have been through.
Sorry this is so long, I just needed to vent. Like I said I've been reading so much the last few months and can't believe the things some have been through and how many stories are the same. Although I don't really see that many want their husbands back as much as I do. I'd really appreciate some words of advice. I have some great friends but I'm sure they think I should give him up and carry on with my life. Some have said that I will do that when I'm ready. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready at this point. PLEAS HELP!!!!!
Thanks, sorry for the long message!
Sorry this is so long, I just needed to vent. Like I said I've been reading so much the last few months and can't believe the things some have been through and how many stories are the same. Although I don't really see that many want their husbands back as much as I do. I'd really appreciate some words of advice. I have some great friends but I'm sure they think I should give him up and carry on with my life. Some have said that I will do that when I'm ready. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready at this point. PLEAS HELP!!!!!
Thanks, sorry for the long message!

Hi there!
This is sad to read... I just found out less than 3 weeks ago that my husband wanted to emd our marriage (almost 8 years)... and I'm still in shock. I can't really advice you much - but I wanted to let you know I read your post and wanted to say I'm sorry you had to go through all this.
Boy does this sound familar. This could be me writing this. My H of 16 years left me 13 months ago under almost the same circumstances. Of course, he lied for the first 2 months about why he really left and then I found out he was spending all his time with HER. I had found emails between them in the meantime as well but he claimed those didn't mean anything. Yeah, right! I had just given birth to our 3rd child in March and he had major complications at birth and almost died. He was in the NICU for 6 weeks. The OW was a friend of the family (or so I thought) and also worked at the NICU where DS was. She was there for "us" the whole time trying to be helpful. Somewhere in the midst of all that, H and her started talking and becoming close. They claim nothing happened until after he had moved out and then it "just happened". It was just a coincidence I guess that she had kicked her husband of 12 years out the week before my H decided he didn't want to be with me anymore, huh?
Anyway, we have had 2 court dates which he has cancelled. He has been fence sitting for so long. Everytime the divorce gets close, he starts questioning what he wants. He has claimed 3 different times now that he is going to move out. He gets real friendly with me and calls a lot and sends messages for a few weeks and then he goes back to being "in love" with her. After the last court date cancellation (June 4), I told him that he had until that Friday to move out. If he didn't, I was done and I would file for divorce myself if I had to to get it done. He moved some stuff out but then when it came time to move out everything, he changed his mind. I haven't discussed it with him since other than to ask him when he called his attorney to get it rescheduled. We are scheduled to go back to court on July 20th. I'm done. I deserve better.
I am disentangling (this is such a good word to learn in our situation!) myself from him as much as possible. My attorney told me early on to consider H only as "the father of my children" from here on out. At the time (August 2006), I didn't think that would ever be possible. But as time goes on, I find myself better able to remove my emotions of what I thought we had together to the reality of the situation. Even if he decided today that he wanted to leave her and work on our marriage, I'm not sure I would. Yes, I miss him. Yes, I still love him (as the father of our children). But I don't really have the "loving feelings" that I need to have for him to make a marriage work. Too much has happened and too many times he has shown me he can't be trusted to put our marriage first. If he did come back, I would spend my time wondering when he would decide to leave again.
We deserve better than this!! Your H has decided to put another woman before his own wife. He has decided to throw away what is supposed to be special between just the two of you. I know it is hard and I know that you are hurting and I am so sorry for that. I want to tell you something that a dear friend of mine told me early on in this whole ordeal. She went through an ugly divorce about 4 years ago. She had been married for about 30 years. She went to her doctor because she thought she had a yeast infection. Turns out she had an STD. When she confronted her H, he confessed to having a long term affair. They got divorced. She came to me about this time last year and told me that even though it was hard to believe, that I would feel so much better in a year. She said that things would be so much different and that even though I couldn't imagine it at the time, that I would probably be happy. You know what? She was right. I am happy. I have had a horrible year and sometimes I still get down when I think about everything that has happened but that is usually when I am living in the past. When I look toward the future and at my life today, I am happy with where I am. My children are healthy and happy (most of the time - the older ones still struggle with the divorce). I have the respect of my daughters. My children know that I will never leave them and they can count on me for anything. I have good family and great friends that love me and support me and are there no matter what I need or when I need them. I have a strong faith in God that he won't put more on me than I can handle (though sometimes I question just how much faith he has in me - ;)). And then I look at what STBX has...he has a girlfriend that has proven that she can't be faithful and neither can he. He lives in a house that isn't his. He has to give me more than half of his paycheck every week. He wouldn't know the truth if it smacked him in the face. He has lost the respect of his daughters. He has lost my respect and the respect of pretty much everyone that knows him except his mother. Even his own brothers think he is insane. He and OW get to spend their lives together wondering which one will cheat first. Definitely not the life I want for myself or my children.
I want to send you big hugs and tell you that I understand. I know you still love him and you probably always will but you deserve better. You deserve a man that is committed to you 100%. You deserve happiness and you can find that without him (or any other man for that matter). Your kids deserve to see their mother being treated with dignity and respect. Your kids need to see you find happiness. You will make it through this. I promise. Just keep telling yourself that. And if you ever need a reminder, just drop me a line at bigorangerules@comcast.net and I will tell you!
Hugs,
Stephanie
Hugs to all and thanks for the support!!!