Can't keep doing this

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
Can't keep doing this
2
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 11:36pm

I don't know where to start. As I lay here in bed typing this, I'm sick to my stomach, and have been for weeks. In the past 16 months, I've discovered my husband was having an affair, left my husband and kids in a moment of distress, been attacked by my husband, had to forcibly remove my children from his home, been verbally and mentally berated by my husband, tried very hard to not take my anger, angst and displeasure out on my children or my wonderful understanding boyfriend,I've had to file bankruptcy and accept public assistance because my ex's abuse has toyed with the financial side of my life and now, finally, we have our divorce trial this Thursday. So why do I feel like I'm making a HUGE mistake? I've fought tooth and nail to get to this point, yet I feel like I should give in, pack up and move back "home". The last two days it's all I can think about. I haven't slept, I have a hard time eating since my tummy is turning cartwheels. I've been mean to the people close to me, lashing out at the smallest of things. And when I get a moment of alone time, all I can think about is how maybe I really do regret the past year, and I wish it had never happened. I get angry at the thought that he's finding any iota of happiness with anyone else- how dare he after the way he treated me! And part of me wishes he'd find that happiness with me. But I know who he is, and I hate that person. I want those divorce papers signed, sealed and delivered.
I'm so tired of feeling mixed up like this and I wonder... does it magically stop when the ink dries?

Sorry if I don't make sense. I'm so tired, scared, anxious and alone right now. I don't like being left alone with my own thoughts when they don't make sense to me. I had to put them out there somewhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2008
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 1:56am

Stop thinking about how you think he might be with someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 02-25-2008 - 9:05pm

How are you?..... how'd it go???


I think that many times we confuse our feelings.... we think it feels like we're making a huge mistake, when really it's more about the unknowns of change that are the root of it all (of course, not changing anything---hence the aura of "mistake".... would be easier for the short run.... but..... we've already had many, many days of short run... and that's what prompted a change to start with).


Check in and let us know how you are!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~