Can't let go

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2007
Can't let go
5
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 10:00am
My divorce is almost final, and I find myself becoming increasingly haunted by thoughts of "the dream" that didn't turn out like I had hoped/planned. I keep fantasizing about a wonderful life with my STBX, while I know the reality will be more of the same stuff that led us to this point. Rather than looking forward to my new life, I find myself becoming increasingly depressed. I end up feeling like the only way to end my depression is to get "the dream" back. I'm sure there are many of you out there who have had problems letting go. I'd really appreciate any thoughts you have on how you were able to get through this.

- graundlyss

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 5:16pm

Hi Graundlyss,


thank you for sharing these thoughts because I recognise a lot. I also have trouble in letting go because I have to give up my partner, I have to give up a dream. A safe dream because a lot of songs, movies and books are about this dream and what I am heading to is not so clear and well known.


My dream made me close an eye or two on my partners cheating and rough behaviour because most stories have a happy end. It's very hard to realise yours doesn't have a happy end, only more of the same you know all too well.


My remedy is to make plans, for tommorrow, a week, three months, a year, plans that give me a happy feeling. This way I give myself a choice.


I don't know if this is helpfull, I am in the same situation as you and can't look back on a period of experience. But this is how I deal with it for now.


kind regards and hope you feel better soon,


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2007
Fri, 11-09-2007 - 2:21pm

I understand what your feeling. I've been married for over 18 years. Despite much hurt, I too find myself longing for that 'dream'. I don't like being a 'single-mom' or part of a statistic - this all goes against my grain. It is hard to accept. I'm only halfway through our separation. In VA, you need to be separated before you can file for divorce. I'm trying to swallow the end of this marriage (dream), plus swallow the fact he's already got himself someone else.


I wish I had advice for you - I could use some as well!


Take care - and stay positive!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Fri, 11-09-2007 - 4:34pm

Hi treewidow,


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sat, 11-10-2007 - 7:30pm
I was just sitting around wondering the same thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 8:35pm

I am sorry to hear another person is going through this pain. My husband told me he didn't love me (but loved my assistant/close friend) back in July, and he moved out eight days ago. One moment, I am crying so hard I swear my house is vibrating, and the next, I am so angry I could smash every window out of it.

Like you, I run the good times over in my head again and again and again. It was killing me to picture our wedding, and all the special things to come: babies, vacations, growing old. The death of the future was as painful as the death of the past. Maybe even more.

And then I came up with this idea. Every single time I have a positive thought about him, or feel mournful over what will not be, I replace that thought with a memory of a time he was neglectful, or downright bad to me. Sometimes I have to search hard for a negative memory, but I have picked two very good ones that I keep coming back to. It's good, old fashioned behavior modification.

Good luck to all of you.