Can't Move Forward

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
Can't Move Forward
2
Sat, 09-09-2006 - 6:41pm

Hi! This is my first time posting and I could post this under several catagories. I feel like I have made such a mess of my life. I have been seperated from my husband for well over a year. Married 7 this fall and been together for 14. No kids. Almost 2 years ago I met someone at work. He came along when I really needed a friend. While I wasn't "miserable" in my marriage, I was certainly lonely and knew that something was missing. Actually I felt that way since I got married. There were/are a lot of issues w/ my husband - drinking, lack of communication, lack of affection, respect. But overall, he is a really good guy and has been a good husband. I think maybe we just aren't a good match. So I meet someone at work and it quickly turns into an affair and we fall in love. Boyfriend convinces me to move out a few months later because neither of us can stand the guilt and sneaking around. He was the one ready to "walk off in the sunset" together and I wasn't ready to leave my husband when I did. But I told my husband (almost) everything and moved out. I left out details about the affair, but he knew that I had cheated on him.

This was over a year and a half ago. I can't believe I have wasted so much time and been in such misery. I have caused enormous pain to all three of us. I have gone through counseling myself, which really helped, and I discovered and understood things about my marriage and my husband. Boyfriend and I tried to have a relationship over the last year, but I was never ready to file the divorce papers and things got very ugly. He was fed up with waiting around and left me several times. I have to point out that I truly love this man and he is everything that I ever wanted and knew that I was missing in my marriage. He is the complete opposite of my husband - loving, open, honest, and affectionate. He is my best friend and my "cheerleader". He is always encouraging me to do what I think I'm not capable of. I don't understand why when I finally found the "one" I couldn't run to him. I think fear and guilt has kept me in this awful state of limbo. I have told my husband probably 5 times and 5 different ways that I wanted a divorce and I was moving forward with this. But I can't seem to do this. I feel like it's all on my shoulders. Husband has made it clear that he doesn't want this, and that I can "come home" whenever I want to. He has been very kind to me and we talk occassionally but it's weird. Is that normal? I feel like either I'm incredibly lucky to have a great ex-husband or I'm making a huge mistake. Three weeks ago I quit my job so that I could get some distance between my boyfriend and I (we had already broken up). I have had no contact with him and I miss him terribly. I think he was ready to move on. I feel like I lost my opportunity for real joy and happiness in my life because I was too scared to hurt my husband and go after what I wanted. As of right now I feel like getting a divorce is the right thing, for me, and perhaps if it's right I will reconnect with (ex) boyfriend. I just can't make that step to do it. I just feel like a loser for letting all this happen like it did. Counseling has helped, along with endless talks with family and friends who support me and my decision. I have met with an attorney and have the paperwork to get started but just stare at them on the table. I'm sorry for rambling so much. Is anyone in or been in a similar situation. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of my marriage before it's even technically over. Is this normal? Any feedback or advice would be appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2006
Sat, 09-09-2006 - 10:22pm
OMG, yes. I'm there, too. Same story. I've only been gone for a few months, though. Boyfriend is already getting on my nerves with all the pressure he's giving me. I also went straight to a lawyer and had papers drawn up, but I just don't feel like I'm really ready for that huge step. I was married for 17 years. STBX is a great guy, too, but we have the same issues as you. BF just doesn't get it and is hurt b/c I'm not ready to "walk off into the sunset" with him right now. We broke up last night. What you said about losing the opportunity for real joy and happiness b/c you didn't want to hurt this nice husband really hit home with me. I'm feeling extremely guilty for leaving such a nice guy just b/c he couldn't give me what I needed and finding someone who could. But, look at where we are, now! Be careful what you wish for. I think it would be alot easier for both of us, me and you, if our STBX's would just close that door and lock it on us. Knowing we can come home just makes us feel even more guilty. If that's possible.
Good luck to you and if it was meant to be for us and our affair guys then it will happen in time. In OUR time. Like I told mine; I need to fix myself before I can even begin to handle another relationship.
I hope this helps you. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 11:38am
Thank you - that really did help! What you said about wishing the husbands would just close the door and lock it on us is exactly how I feel. When my BF and I were planning my leaving and moving out, I was certain my husband would throw me out and never want to see me again. BF thought otherwise, and he was right. I wasn't prepared for my husband to act the way he did. He went as far as renovating a room in the house just for me, right down to the details of things I loved. My counselor told me that he did that more for him, than for me. Maybe so, but that sure didn't help my guilt! All the presents just compounded the guilt. I was so guilty I actually moved back in on two occassions to "play house" when his parents came to visit so they wouldn't know. They still don't know, which really should remind me of the issues I have with him. I can't believe I put myself through all that. My now ex BF once said that I cared about everyone else's feelings, but I didn't care enough about me and what I wanted. How true. Be careful what you wish for is right. Now BF is gone and husband seems to be doing fine on his own, so now I'm slowly picking up the pieces by myself. I'm a big believer in fate, and that things will work out as they should though. Good luck to you too! I know it's quite a prediciment to be in. : )