Cares/Doesn't Care
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 10-29-2006 - 9:22pm |
Hey Folks,
For the last 10 months my wife and I have been separated. We've been married for 10 years and this is the 2nd marriage for both of us. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about a year or so ago. One day, she says she cares for me and then the next day is as cold as ice. No emotion at all..just very matter of fact. She's stayed at the house a total of about a week in the last several months. We've met for lunch a couple of times and she cries and holds on to me like a terrified little girl, she kisses me and then goes back to her apartment. After this, I won't hear from her for several days - no phone calls, no nothing. She's done this several times. She says she thinks she wants a divorce. She'll then experience a crisis or some overwhelming event and call me. Of course, I've always been there for her. Maybe it's a dumb move on my part being her "insurance" when she has a need. She certainly doesn't care about any of my needs.
She's stopped saying that she loves me - but, then turns around and says she loves me but it is different. We last spoke this past Thursday night and had a good conversation. I've not heard from her since. I doubt that she has been compliant with taking her medication as she states she has difficulty sleeping and claims she has nightmares every night. All of this is crazy - one day she's like the gal I married and then she changes into this very cold, unfeeling, uncaring person. I've tried my heart out for her - I'm deeply in love with her - I've cried tons of tears. I've been faithful our entire marriage but am now starting to get very lonely - then, I feel guilty for even thinking about wanting someone other than my wife. What a mess. All my friends have told me to quit trying to make her love me and go on with my life. I'm terrified at the thought of doing that if there is one thread of hope for my marriage. I've never loved anyone as much as I love my wife. On the other hand, I try very hard to understand that she has an illness that creates a lot of turmoil for us both. However, she claims no responsibility for any problems in our marriage and that everything is pretty much my fault. Every time we discuss our marriage, she only seems to focus on and remember every little thing I ever did wrong (and adds some emotional embellishment to them). She's gone as far as saying, "Back in 2001 you did such-and-such". I've repeatedly asked for us to let the past be the past and move on. I've offered to go to counseling and she has yet to even express the slightest interest in doing so.
Thanks for letting me vent and ramble.
Sad, lonely and very, very confused.
Herd57

Herd57,
I feel your pain! I have just decided to divorce my husband, who is also bipolar. I wish I had some words of wisdom to give you (and myself).
Honestly, I do not think that there is any hope for your situation. It isn't possible to have a happy, stable relationship with someone who is cycling wildly between mania and depression. I have come to believe that my STBX just doesn't care how this affects his family. If he did, he would take his meds and stay away from marajuana...but he won't. It sounds like your wife won't either. All we accomplish by staying is to enable the behavior.
Your wife needs to accept that in order to have a healthy life and a healthy marriage, she needs to be on medication. She has flatly refused to accept this or acknowledge her role in your problems. She won't even try counseling to work it out. There really isn't anything else you can do. You can either tolorate her crazy behavior and take the crumbs she gives you, or you can wish her well and walk away.
I hope that you find peace in your life, whatever your decision is.
Rebecca
Hi Herd,
Welcome to the board. It sounds like your wife is not taking her medication for her illness or she's not taking the right type or dosage for her condition. The behavior you describe is pretty typical of a bipolar - up and down - hot and cold - the extremes are very strange to you when you know them differently.
Based on my own experience with a relative who has bipolar, here's my two cents. First, I'd direct you to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, www.nami.org. This organization is a store house of information on mental illness, help and support for the mentally ill and their families. Go to the web page and see if you can find a local chapter to help you find the resources you need to cope with this situation.
Second, recognize the divorce threat is probably more about the illness than your marriage. She's chosen to isolate herself from you and others who care about her (probably) and so its making dealing with her illness that much more difficult. Ask the folks at NAMI how to communicate with her. I don't know what the ultimate outcome will be for your marriage,
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Thanks Rebecca,
I've been amazed at how many people (even some close friends of mine) who have disclosed that they have a family member/friend who suffers from bipolar disorder. It is undoubtedly one of the most damaging disorders that I could imagine.
If my wife had some other illness - what would I do? Stay with her of course. BUT..if she had some other illness she wouldn't be displaying the extremes of emotions that she has now. In the first years of our marriage there were no signs and now it has progressed to the point that she is a totally different person. It's almost like I don't even know her. She's more brash, less sensitive, and even went out and got a tattoo. Until the last couple of years, she really had a genuine caring for people and didn't have a harsh or insensitive bone in her body. I don't know about your husband, but my wife does and can do and say the most hurtful things seem to have absolutely no guilt or regard.
Thanks for your reply.
Herd57
Thanks cl-wisdomtooth2020,
I did find a local chapter of NAMI. Thanks for the suggestion.
Over the last year, I've read and researched tons of info on bipolar disorder. I've come to realize that I perhaps have been enabling some of her behaviors and now have learned to set some pretty firm boundaries. I still have along way to go and keep holding on to any remote possibilty that this marriage can survive.
Today, I went to see a Ph.D. Marriage and Family counselor through our company EAP. While waiting, I picked up a magazine to scan and of all things - the 1st page I turned to had an ad for the place where my wife and I got married and where we spent 9 anniveraries. Needless to say, my eyes welled up with tears and tons of memories flooded back. I guess this type of thing is what I'm struggling the most with...sometimes just overwhelming feelings of sadness and longing. I'm also feeling pretty lonely coming home to a huge empty house and would love to have some female companionship - nothing serious...just conversation..to talk about my day, to chat about weather, anything.
Again, thanks for your kind reply.
Herd57
Herd,
Yeah, my husband can say the most awful things, too. It seems to be an integral part of the disorder. The shrinks all told me that it was the disorder talking, but somehow that didn't make me feel any better. It's still what he believed at the time, kwim?
I don't really think you can compare this situation to what you would do if your wife had another illness. If your wife's disorder can be controlled by medication, then it's not the problem. The problem is that your wife refuses to recognise her role in the mess and comply with treatment. After all, if she was medicated and getting counselling, would you even be considerng divorce?
I am continuing to hold a good thought for you, Herd.
Keep us posted!
Rebecca