caved to control
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caved to control
| Mon, 10-16-2006 - 12:44pm |
I attempt at all times not to engage with stbx about his behavior. I don't comment on what the kids tell me he says to them..ie he receives from the court my motion to final dissultion, in the mail and let's our dd read it (7 at them time)when she asked what it meant he said mommy wants a divorce and she can get remarried to someone else. ahhhh. I am divorcing him because he was having an affair that I have plenty of evidence on not just suspicions. Dd was upset this weekend a whole 6 months after he says this to them saying she thinks dad was saying I was going to get someone not becasue I was getting someone but because he was trying to say he was but didn't know how to say it. hmmm can we say perceptive little 7 year old? I don't know if I should have but couldn't help protecting my children so today I engaged and emailed him and said ----
"I realize I can’t control what you say and do; Based on our discussion this morning, I will never forgive myself if I don’t ask you formally to stop telling the children that I want the divorce and can get remarried. The classes I have taken thus far and the books I have read said this scares them and does only harm hearing details that are false or not about the divorce. This is a complicated situation that involves reasons for the divorce that they also should not hear. I have not divulged this information. I also ask that you be mindful of the location of the divorce papers so that Maddy is not able read them like she did this spring."
"I realize I can’t control what you say and do; Based on our discussion this morning, I will never forgive myself if I don’t ask you formally to stop telling the children that I want the divorce and can get remarried. The classes I have taken thus far and the books I have read said this scares them and does only harm hearing details that are false or not about the divorce. This is a complicated situation that involves reasons for the divorce that they also should not hear. I have not divulged this information. I also ask that you be mindful of the location of the divorce papers so that Maddy is not able read them like she did this spring."

I don't see this as caving at all, but I would document the conversation for future reference.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
yes I see your point. It is manipulation that is why I wasn't sure bringing it up would do any good for him or me. I mostly did it so that I could use it as documentation and I blind cc'd my attorney. What a toxic dance we have had for 11 years. It is a long time to be discombobulated so sometimes I still question my self but I am getting better.
I would talk to Maddy and tell her.... mommy and daddy are both sad that things didn't work out like we'd hoped, so we're not going to live together any more, and that does mean that later, both of us can remarry, not just mommy, but we're not going to think about that right now because we're still trying to figure out the best way to live separately so that we can all be happier.
You're not blaming... you're just acknowledging that you aren't happy, daddy's not happy... and that later on, you BOTH can have the chance to remarry if you meet someone new, but that's not your priority.
I think that what you said to him was responsible.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
great advice I have it printed and in my help folder. your right I shouldn't say it won't ever happen to her but that right now it's not what we need to be dealing with. It has been a year since we have lived seperate but she is still able to cry about it at a moments notice. My sweet girl.
Hugs to all today, B