Cease & Desist & Contempt ??

Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Cease & Desist & Contempt ??
12
Tue, 02-18-2014 - 3:40pm

Who knows much about these?    

I was sent a Cease/Desist for:  (my ex claimed)  encouraging my child to take a picture of his mistress & then write disparaging things on there.   Now I did NOT do this = however, she she showed it to me & I DID forward it to the mistress' husband, who then showed the mistress, getting her upset.

Now, from time to time Ive sent ugly texts to my ex, even a few to the mistress.   So I guess this is not good.   And sometimes our kids get into the periphery of our arguments.

He says he is now taking me to court ---- My lawyer wants us to negotiatie co-parenting classes for us, but I dont know if Im going to get another handslap letter or a Contempt action.   

What does this mean?   Go ahead & tell me.   Now Im terribly distraught - and this could drag out for weeks/months!    But what can I do at this point?  

I think I just need to QUIT all contact I can w/my ex.   

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 02-18-2014 - 8:23pm

Why do you think you might get a contempt action? Did your lawyer tell you this?

When did the incident witht he photo and the texts happen? Since you are calling her the mistress I'm guessing that these things happened a long time ago? (because didn't you recently say that she and your ex got married? And after the divorce she became more technically his gf) So why is he coming after you now? If its old stuff, could your ex just be trying to threaten you? If its more recent and he can prove a pattern then he can build a case...but it sounds like he's trying to get the court to tell you to leave them alone. I think you should let your lawyer explain the legal possibilities to you, based on what happened when, because he will know how it works in your area.

Yes you should have as little contact as possible with your ex. We don't know how he feels about you but we know how you feel about him and its not good....that probably comes across more than you realize. I'm not trying to say he's being perfect and its all you. The co-parenting classes are probably a good idea.

Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Tue, 02-18-2014 - 8:47pm
We received a letter re: the photo incident (which I did not do, but did forward to someone). It mentioned contempt. I never thought anything more about it, because I didnt do that. Since it did say in the divorce to "leave eachother alone" - Im not sure. And, yes, he can prove a pattern. All these months, he never said a word until this morning, when he exploded on me. Photo incident was maybe Dec. I told him I didnt do that, yet did forward to her hub. Got the letter early in Feb from the lawyer ... then today I hear this. He says he IS meeting w/his attorney this week w/texts, etc. Actually they never got married - but they plan on it. He's coming after me now, b/c I texted him a bunch of stuff on Sun nite which he said my daughter saw. I think he's tired of being harassed & worried about the kids getting sucked in. HOW will the court "tell" me to leave them alone? Thx for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 02-18-2014 - 9:04pm

Seriously, you need to do whatever you need to do to deal with this situation--get therapy, vent to your friends, vent on these boards (especially to the betrayed spouses board where people will understand what you are going through).  It's terrible that your DH left you for another women, but you need to get over it and get on with your life.  Do you think that if people get divorced & there was no mistress that it's any better?  I mean my exH left me after 13 yrs of marriage & w/ 2 small children for no apparent reason at all--it was still hurtful and made my life miserable for a while, but even though I was angry at him (and we did have one big yelling fight at the house where I remember saying to him that he only cared if he was happy & didn't care about the rest of us), I realized that we have kids together and that at some point I just had to deal with him in a positive way so that our kids would not spend years in therapy because their parents couldn't get along.

I'm sure that your kids know that you are hurt and are taking your side but I can tell you as a divorce lawyer that I don't think it's good for kids to have to take sides--the kids should be able to have a good relationship w both parents unless one parent abused them or did something horrible directly to them.  I believe I told you before to stay out of your ex's GF's marriage--I don't remember if she got divorced too--but her situation is really none of your business.  So your ex probably never would have found out about the picture if you hadn't sent it to her DH (or ex?) and then he sent it to her.  IF you had done nothing, you wouldn't be in this situation now.  And so you have a pattern of harrassing him?  How do you think that this is good for anyone?  You should only be contacting him about the kids--if he doesn't pay his child support or doesn't pick up the kids when he is supposed to, then you have a right to complain, but if you are just sending him angry texts because you are still mad about the affair then stop!  

What could the judge do?  He could make you pay your ex's attorney fees, he could order you not to contact your ex, he could enter a restraining order (probl not since I hope you aren't threatening to kill him or anything like that) or, worst case scenario, if you are alienating the kids from him, he could threaten to give your ex custody--that's really far out there but I am saying this just to get you to stop what you have been doing.

Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Tue, 02-18-2014 - 9:35pm
Thanks. Been a wake-up call today --- -which sounds ridiculous & that's not an excuse, but he sure got me to snap to it today. I dont think restraining or custody is in the picture (my kid doesnt want to go w/him), but other things might ... anyway - thanks for your response.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 02-18-2014 - 11:41pm

I don't know the background of your life, but even without a "cease & desist order, you need to STOP the nonsense.  You are divorced.  With the exception of something to do with your children, you should have no contact with him forever!  You sent a picture of his mistress to her husband?  Are you still in high school???  Oh, and by the way, your children aren't on the "perifery" of your arguements, they're in the middle of them......and if you continue the childish behavior, they WILL end up with your husband.  You and he are divorced, he has a new life, and you need to GET a new life.  I don't get why women (and sometimes men) get their jollies by harassing and tormenting the ex.  Once it's over, it's over and it's time to move on and get a new life instead of dwelling on the old one.  It didn't work, and it's over.  Let it die a peaceful death.....and make better choices next time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 02-19-2014 - 1:07am

How will the court tell you to leave them alone? Maybe the same way they already told you to do that :"Since it did say in the divorce to "leave eachother alone". That explains the contempt part. If you disobey what the court/judge/decree told you to do they could find you in contempt. Your lawyer would be the one to tell you what is the penalty for contempt. You didn't have to shoot the picture or write the caption, just butting into her personal life by sending the photo to her H/ex is violating the order to leave them alone.

When was your divorce final? Wasn't it about a year ago? I think you were in counseling for a while, are you still going? If not you should try to resume it, and see if you can find a support group for people struggling to get over a divorce. You really need to let go of your anger towards your ex and OW before it causes you any more problems. For them, its just a hassle, and one more reason to feel like he made the right choice. For you, its like poison in the well. If you cannot work past your bitterness it will pollute all aspects of your life and you will seem bitter to everyone, about everything.

Somebody on these boards has an expression that you should adopt: "The best revenge is living well" or something close to that. You're never going to be able to hurt your ex like he hurt you, because he doesn't care about you anymore. But you can move on to have a happy fulfilling life, and when you are making yourself happy you will stop caring about what he is doing.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Wed, 02-19-2014 - 1:43pm

You were ordered by the court to "cease and desist" IN YOUR DIVORCE DECREE.  That wasn't yesterday.  But you have continued to harrass your ex and his gf.  When you ignore an order by the court, that is contempt of the court.  What can the judge do?  Besides all the things Music said, HE CAN PUT YOU IN JAIL.   And when you said your dd doesn't "want" to live with her dad--well, the judge does NOT care what your dd wants.  And if he thinks you are UNFIT TO PARENT because of your behavior, he WILL give custody to your ex.

BTW, do you think ANY OTHER MAN is ever going to stay in a relationship with you when he sees and hears this vituperation?  And sees how you are DAMAGING your children?  No one with a brain, that's for sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 02-19-2014 - 5:00pm

I would have to agree with everyone else and you can write on these boards but your posts are sounding pretty embarassing right about now..and yes very High School...

Instead of writing all the time on here  run do not walk to support groups, womens groups, therapy to get yourself free of this past.. Do all kinds of healing than you can find either paid for or free and move on once and for all... This will def. damage your Daughter. Dr.Phil and others have dozens of shows and books on this subject.. Kids suffer the most so its time to think about your kids and put this insanity to bed..and the more you continue this behavior the more it will just rip you apart and torture you... Since its been awhile it all could have been over by now and you would have been moved on and healed but instead you kept ripping off the bandaid and make the cut keep bleeding and bleeding ...

I hate to say it but if your ex has money he can do all sorts of things .. I am sorry and this might sound mean but it appears that this is why your ex left you.

good luck

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Wed, 02-19-2014 - 8:40pm

"...this might sound mean but it appears that this is why your ex left you..."  Props to you, Free, for saying EXACTLY what I was thinking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 02-20-2014 - 6:34pm

I remember some of your story and I know the hurt you went through. So you sent the mistress's H the picture your DD took and wrote on. I imagine he got a huge kick out of it. Granted, it probably wasn't the thing to do but what everyone seems to be forgetting is that your exH's affair has affected your DD and she was hurt by it. 

Of course, she's not going to be happy and lovey dovey towards the immoral woman that her father took up with. She's not oblivious to this all; she knows this woman and her father tore apart her home. And what Daddy Dearest here needs to realize is that had he NOT had an affair, none of this would be happening now, would it? But what his problem is now has nothing to do with what's best for his DD; he doesn't want his mistress put in a bad light or have her feelings hurt.

The point that everyone seems to be missing is that your DD is hurting and the picture and what she wrote on it is part of her acting out the hurt her father's affair has caused her. As to the fact that you sent it to the OW's H, how is that harrassing your exH and the OW? You didn't send it to them, post it on their front door or in a public place so I personally don't see how this is considered harrassing them. Its a free country, freedom of speech and expression. Your DD was expressing her feelings. Your exH and the OW might not agree with her feelings but she has a right to express them anyway. Like I said, what it boils down to is the exH is pissed because it painted his mistress in a bad light. Newsflash to him, adulterers are already considered bad whether your DD takes a picture and expresses that.

I do agree with the others that NO contact that isn't absolutely necessary is the way to go from now on. I DON'T agree with the comments that this is why he chose to have an affair and leave. That is taking things a little too far and I'm appalled that anyone even suggested that. Judgment like that is not what these support boards are supposed to be about.  I'm very sorry anyone said that to you. He had an A because HE chose to; nothing you did or didn't do would cause him to do it if he hadn't already had this kind of character IN HIM.  Hopefully, those who said those things will never have to go through the pain you have.  One doesn't understand what pain can make you do until they've gone through it.

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