Cell phones and child support

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2005
Cell phones and child support
9
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 5:50pm

Does anybody have a teen who does not have a cell phone and if so, what are your reasons for not providing your child with one.

I have a 16yr old daughter and she does NOT have a cell phone and I hear about it every day. My main reason for not getting her one is money. I am a single mom of two, I am working on getting my Bachelors degree, so right now I only make $20,000 a year so money is tight for the time being. My ex makes $65,000 a year and he is remarried and she makes about $20,000. My daughter does not drive yet, so it is not like she is out on the road with no phone. All her friends have cell’s and I know all their numbers so I am able to contact her when she is not home, so that is not an issue�� the issue is my ex. He told her he was going to get her a cell for Christmas. Well, his credit is terrible, so he got turned down. So he tells her, to tell me, to get her a phone in my name and HE will pay the bill. Well, like I said, his credit is terrible because, he doesn’t pay his bills, not to mention he is behind in his child support and he owes me $500.00 in medical bill reimbursement for 2006 that I keep asking for (but he did have the money to take a week vacation at Christmas, come to our town, rent a HUGE 3 bedroom home in the most expensive neighborhood in town for a week…. Didn’t pay child support, but went on vacation… Can you see where his priorities are?) So I said, no because if it is in my name and he doesn’t pay it, guess who gets screwed. After separating from him, I fixed my credit, have good credit now and plan on keeping it that way and I do not trust him that he will make good on this cell phone deal that he has put my DD up to asking me about. In addition, this makes me the bad guy because if I say no and he will play his usual game of, “see, your mom is difficult, I don’t know why she doesn’t want you to have a phone, I told her I would pay for it if she would just put it in her name, but she wants to be difficult”. So needless to say this is still going on since before Christmas. She calls him everyday, “Dad did you get the phone yet?”, and he fills her with, “we are trying this company and that company…, I’m waiting for this weeks paycheck…, we are going to put it in my wife’s name…, one company will give him one but they need $250 deposit that his mother said she would give him then never did…, etc, etc. So now that he can not get the kid this phone in over three months, and it is making him look bad in her eyes (he’s a MAJOR Disney Dad) he has turned this around and is now telling her that I should be the one getting her a cell phone out of the child support money he pays me because that is what the child support is for, to provide her with the things she needs. So he told her “don’t tell your mom but this Friday when I get paid, I’ll just get you a phone instead of paying the child support because that money should be for you to have a phone and not your mother. It’s not right that she has a cell phone and you don’t, she is misusing the child support money I send her”…..

There is only one problem……. I suspected my daughter was using drugs, so I bugged my phone and listened to her phone calls with her friends. Sure enough, not only was she doing what I thought but a whole lot more, and has a major drug problem so I put her in a drug treatment program for teens. So while hearing her calls allowed me to get her help, I have also heard COUNTLESS phone calls between her and her father that he belittles me, criticizes me, blames me for her drug use, tries to persuade her to come live with him because “he knows how difficult I am to live with”, he disapproved of my decision to put her in rehab saying “that is ridiculous!! I guess your mother forgot what it was like to be a teenager” he tells her I’m misusing and stealing the child support money, that not only should I be buying her a cell phone, I should also be buying her a car with the child support money and paying for the insurance, gas and tags “because that is what that money is for” and on and on. I don’t know what to do. I have spoke to the police, her therapist and other professionals and they say a parent has every right to do what ever they feel will keep their kid safe, so as far as bugging the phone, I did what I thought I had to do. She had swore up and down frontward and backwards that she was not doing drugs but I just didn’t believe her and I didn’t know what else to do. I am relieved she is in rehab and hopefully it will help but in the meantime my ex is sabotaging everything I do and really playing some serious mind games with this already troubled teen. Any thoughts?

Edited to say, it is written in our divorce that neither party is allowed to speak disparagingly to each other or about each other to the children, so he knows he should not be doing this.




Edited 2/11/2007 6:02 pm ET by fearless2005
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 9:27am

I am sorry. I don't have mcuh wisdom here. I do think you are taking care of your daughter and that is thr right thing to do. I do think, from what you say, that her father is very troubled and a poor influence and violating the court order. Might be worth going to court about the failure to pay CS, and the disparaging comments.

As for the cell phone, that seems just to be a symptom of the above problems.

You don't need to justify whether you give her a phone, or not, but she is old enough for you to have a discussion of the family budget -- here is how your CS gets spent -- all on you. Cell phones are luxuries and we can't afford one. Otoh, maybe she could get a part-time job and get herself a pre-paid cell phone (pay as you go); a job might help her stay away from drugs, too.

Just some thoughts.

I am sorry for your very tough situation.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 12:33pm

Well, I've got a few things .

Your daughter could purchase her own "pay as you go" cell phone.

Secondly, you and your ex are harming your daughter.

Both you and your ex are bashing each other. There's no judgement here, its just that obvious from your words.

When I was married, my ex bugged the phone and listened in on our oldest daughter. While I agree that this step can be necessary to keep your child safe, you run a very real risk of overstepping your bounds with her, and violating her privacy.

In my ex-wife's case, she listened in on every single spoken word. As a result, my ex-wife had an inter-active and unfair insight to my daughter. Most of the stuff teens talk about is BS, so you take it with a grain of salt. They're just venting. So you need to let a lot of their conversation go by the way side, because its just bs and venting. My ex manipulated her, under the guise of helping and protecting her child, to a point that she drove her to drugs. My ex-wife broke up every relationship my daughter had.

Its great that your daughter is in rehab, but a major problem is you and your ex. The two of you need to be in therapy (or something) to get to a point where the two of you get along. This is not the time for pride, either by you or your husband.

Depending on your daughter's drug of choice, and these days its X, or meth, or herion, she could likely end up in a very very bad way. Death is a very likely outcome.

meth and X -- alters the seratonin levels and can leave you permanantly depressed.
X -- can cause your body's temperature control to fail and you cook yourself (literally).
Meth -- the most addictive drug every created.
Herion -- only slightly less addictive than Meth.
All of them -- you are relying on the mafia's quality control system to keep the supply pure.

This is scary stuff.

Its time to be brutally honest with your ex -- the two of you need to find a way to get along because it's your daughter's life you risk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 12:35pm

He actually said "I guess your mother forgot what it was like to be a teenager"????


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 7:21am

While your idea about counseling sounds great in an ideal world, sometimes one ex will NOT cooperate. My ex would rather croak that go to therapy with me for any reason, even if it was for the well-being of our kid. Sometimes, one party is just unreasonable and irrational, and you can not "force" them to do anything cooperative or in the best interest of the child. Surely, you can see that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 11:58am
First off my reasons for not getting my teen a cell is this. I want him to earn it reath than it just be handed to him. Dont get me wrong I am not saying that he is a bad kid or anything. His cousin got one for christmas and now he is really wanting one bad but at the same time he has not learned the value of a dollar yet LOL. We together have come up with an idea that if he wants one bad enough that there are things around the house he can do to earn money so that he may buy one. There are pre paid ones out there like his cousin has that go for about $20 and then the cost of a card but at the same time he doesnt show an intrest in wanting to earn the money for one. I wish you all the best of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 3:53pm

Are you sure you're not my friend, S? Her XH is so bad, he REFUSES to have any contact with her via phone or email. No mediation. No therapy. Everything must be done through the US Postal Service. Imagine trying to rearrange days so that you can go on a business trip in two weeks. He is so rigid, he returns the boys to her in EXACTLY the same clothing *underwear, too) they had on when they went to him, even if the weather is drastically different. Her SEVEN-YEAR-OLD now dresses himself in layers for the exchange to Dad because he went to school in snow flurries in shorts and a T-shirt. (I wanted her to call child protective services... what an idiot)

Anyhoo.... I told her that I'd shake him if I ever saw him in public again and lo and behold, that afternoon, there's his sorry behind at a restaurant where I was having coffee with my sweetie. Unfortunately, the boys were with him, so shaking was out of the question....... but I thought about it alot!

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 4:45pm
I'd want to do a lot more than shake him :-)

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 10:30pm
Ah, she has never agreed to leave me alone in a room with him for 15 minutes..... shaking him was all she'd consent to. *S*

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 10:54pm

I dont see ANYwhere where the poster herseld has badmouthed & bashed the girls father. HE did it, repeatedly, but not her (not from what i read in the post anyway)


As for the bugging of the phone? You know what? If the kid was doing what she SHOULD be doing ... & NOT doing drugs, then the phone wouldnt need to be bugged. Parents have to do what they need to to keep a KID safe.

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