Changing name?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
Changing name?
16
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 7:33pm
As a newbie I would appreciate any input that I receive here. Of the many questions I'm facing now the one I'd like some input on is changing back to my maiden name. I don't have any children, so that isn't an issue. I am a working professional, so there may be some minor inconvenience to changing my name back. I'm just feeling like I need to change back as part of reclaiming my identity. Any advice or experiences I can learn from? Thanks so much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2007
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 6:54pm

Hi Ali,

Thank you for taking the time to explain everything as fully as you did. It really helps to hear other's thoughts and experiences on the subject!

In my case, I was the one who filed for divorce. I know that I will be 'me' no matter what my name is. I'm just feeling like, whatever my name is at the end of the divorce is possibly the name I will live with for the rest of my life, and I don't think I want it to be *his* name...

Again, thank you for sharing with me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 11:40am

Hi, I'm new here, and this is my first post. My divorce was final a little over three years ago. And I reverted to my maiden, even though we have four kids. My mom, of all people, was aghast and appalled that I would do that....purposely choose to have a different name than my children had. She worried about the confusion it would cause (almost none) and what it might possibly say to them about what I think of *their* last name. So...I polled my kids (ages 14, 11, 8, and 5 at the time). They pretty much didn't care. They didn't see it as an insult to them or their father, but rather a potentially positive action for me to take.

His name is more common, mine is open to many different mispronunciations and misspellings, but that's okay. It is who I am. For 17 years, I was a (ex's last name). And it was good and right and felt good and right to be that. But, I'm not anymore. For 21 years preceding that name and now, 3+ years following that name, I'm of my father's family, not my husband's.

In my state, it's mentioned in the decree that I reverted to maiden. (Changing it later would be almost $200.) At the time of the divorce, we went to the clerk, got three official copies of the decree. I sent one to SSA and once that came through, I sent one + my new SS card to my HR department and I took one with me to the DMV. It really wasn't a problem. SSA lost my ap, so it did take four months to change everything with HR. But other than that, not a problem.

Professionally, it really didn't cause a wrinkle. My employees and immediate coworkers were aware of the divorce, so they weren't surprised. Outside coworkers, vendors, customers, etc, didn't care. They knew me by my first name, anyway. One or two asked about my name changing on my email and congratulated me on my marriage, rofl, but that was about it. And I was good enough friends with them to explain it to them, wherein they congratulated me again, roflmao!!

I feel better coming back to my name. Make no mistake, I was excited about and happy to have carried my ex's name while we were married. But. We're not married anymore (my choice) and my feeling was if he's not good enough for me, why would his name be?? And I also kinda looked to the future and wondered whether a new wife would be reassured that I reverted...like....for sure I am cutting any ties I had with him. He *is* remarried now, and I have no idea if she's even given it a thought, lol.

Just do what your heart leads you to do. You're the one that has to live with it.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2007
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 7:56pm

"Just do what your heart leads you to do. You're the one that has to live with it."

Beautifully said, Lucky, and I think that pretty much sums it up! Thank you, so much, for sharing your thoughts on this. It's so nice to be able to get feedback from others who have already made this decision, as well as to hear what others still in the process are thinking.

~ Stacey

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2007
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 8:56pm
If I didn't have children I would be changing my name back, just to separate myself and gain my own identity again. However due to my son I plan on keeping our last names the same so we are still kind of a family
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 7:41pm

Thank you everyone for your input and advice! I'm so glad that there is a place to "talk" to others going through the same thing, and to those that have survived the whole process. Thanks for the advice about wrapping the name change into the divorce paperwork.

Have a peaceful weekend.
J

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2007
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 5:13pm

What a great post, Lucky. My divorce was final a year ago after years of on-again/off-again stuff with my ex and me trying to keep it together because that's what good girls do. My state, too, allows for the name change as part of the divorce decree. I waited to file until I decided what to do about my name. My family desperately wanted me to reclaim my maiden name but me, after 11 years in the same professional position, 10 of them with my married name, wasn't so sure. I decided to reclaim my maiden name and am 100% glad that I did! It's an unusual name, no one at work knows how to say it, but they're very careful not to call me by my married name just the same. Changing it with health insurance, etc. was more of a hassle than a pain but it was worth it in the end. I have no children and if I did, think my decision would have been different.

A few months before my divorce was final, I started to use Jane Doe Smith in letters, on my voicemail, in my email signature, etc. so that folks would used to the maiden name. Then, on the day I received my new SS card, my employer changed my email to my maiden name. The company directory had both names for about 6 months as not to totally confuse people and for the most part, it was an easy transition. People get divorced all of the time these days (maybe not a good thing but a fact of life) and are used to this sort of transition. And when people offered me congratulations, I gave them a heartfelt thank you and explained the situation depending on the closeness of my relationship with them.

I'm getting married again next year (this one is a keeper!) and will make my maiden name my middle name and his my last. This will be a little confusing but I'll just do what I described above, just in reverse and use both names professionally until people get used to the idea. We plan to have children and I want to have the same name as they do (I know that's traditional but it's important to me). People at work will probably still call me by my maiden name and that's just fine by me.

I have to admit that I felt better dating after the divorce being known as my name, not my former husband's. Those in the midst of the divorce may not be thinking that far ahead (I wasn't - swore I'd be single forever, etc.) but changing my name had the unintended consequence of boosting my self-confidence and that was the best thing of all.

Best of luck to all of those wrestling with this decision. Follow your gut and you'll do the right thing for YOU.

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