Cheating husband and divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Cheating husband and divorce
9
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 6:45pm
I am turning 29 next week. I have a 5 year old (which = a quicky wedding) and a 6 month old. Over the last 1 1/2 my husband has been text messaging and on the phone with a girl he met at training for his job, she's in Pittsburg, we're in Chicago. He kept her hidden until I found messages in his phone. 2 times I have asked him to end the "friendship" and he agreed (liar). 2 weeks ago he tells me he doesn't know if he wants to be married to me or if he loves me. A week later I find phone bills (with daily conversations of 60, 70 mins long) and she text messaged late when they thought I wouldn't be at home - he refused to let me see it and the truth came out that she's his "best friend"... We wnet o marriage counseling last week. I am losing it a little. A 6 month old and a 5 year old! He's in the house right now and I really feel like I deserve better - what is right for the kids is one things but do I deserve this treatment - by the way no apology for the emotional affair (it's my fault because he's been miserable so long). Any suggestions or advice for a women trying to stay sane, take care of her kids and be in the home with this man I despise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-1999
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 8:53pm

Wow, this sounds very similar to my story..."emotional affair" what a wonderful word...wait, did he say "they didn't mean for this to happen?" "she feels really bad" barf!
Sorry, so sorry, you do deserve better, know this, the reason he did this has nothing to do with you~he has disrespected you...He owed you enough respect, as his wife to discuss his feelings if he was having issues. The last thing he should of done was go out and find someone to make him feel better.
That is what is all comes down to you know, his insecurities, his lack of self esteem...he needs that "false" sence of someone telling him how great he is...gag!!!

Anyway, as you can tell, you hit a nerve with me...you will be fine sweetie, there are alot of great people on this board...one day at a time, baby steps, you will go forward and you will slip back....don't beat yourself up...(( HUGS))

Jan

Cheers,


Ruthann

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 9:11pm
Thank you. That's what I keep hearing - day by day. I'm keeping it in perspective. Everyday I find something new though that I didn't know about - today it was these pics they were sending back and forth to each other on the phone so she could see how cute he looked that day - puke. He hasn't admitted any wrong doing with the girl though, he is sticking to his story for fear that I will be vindictive with the children (totally not my style by the way, I know the kids love him - I am fair) All the signs point to more than a "friendship", hiding the info, 70 min conversations daily, not letting me see what she sent him on the text when I caught him, songs he's been listening too, and finally, women's intuition... I'm not jumping to conclusions, right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-1999
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 9:19pm

trust your instincts, you know what you are thinking, you are most likely right...he should not be having a "friendship" w/ another women, period, end of story!

I too was very far w/ my child, remember, being a rotten husband and being a great dad are two different relationships...I respect you for not putting your kids in the middle, these are adult issues and the kids should not have to deal w/ them.

I am sorry anyone has to go through this crap...you are not crazy, you know exactly what is going on...believe in yourself and your instincts!

Cheers,


Ruthann

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 10:27pm
Thank you, Day by Day right. I'm calling an attorney Monday. After 6 years of fighting for him and now he decides he doesn't want me! No apologies, No groveling - but yet saying he wants to work it out for the kids. How do you ever trust that again... Off to watch a movie alone in "my" bedroom since he is confined to the guest room with his porno videos. Yuck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 6:42am

Hi cst7-
I am so sorry you found out the way you did. I have no idea why our husbands can't admit there's a problem and seek professional help to try and work on the marriage. My STBX meet someone last October. I found out in November and filed for divorce in December. I gave him one month to stop talking to her. It actually got worse. He drove down during thanksgiving and bailed her out of jail. (she claims he was the only resposible one she knew) LOL - Fails to meet his parental resposibilities. He drove to see he leaving on Christmas day and didn't come home until the day after new years. I tried to have him evicted from our marital home in January becuase we were still living together.

He was so miserable I told my lawyer we could live together until he refinanced the house and paid me my 1/2 so I could move. The greatest thing that did happen was during another tip to her in January, his parents were actually on vacation and he brought her to their vacation house. His mom wouldn't let her in and my FIL actually told her he was still married. Wish I was a fly in the car for that conversation!!

Wouldn't you know he asked me to go away for superbowl weekend so he could bring her here!! He started packing my things making it look like I didn't live home. I told him no way in hell was I leaving! He ended up getting a hotel, showing her off to all his friends, (one of the guys was actually our best man in our wedding), I moved out. I am now living at my sisters in a room with 2 kids.

He calls me Wednesday night (I could tell he had been drinking). I had sent him an email saying I needed space from him (I work with him). I told him I could do what we needed to for work and have conversations about the kids, but as far as him going to my condo I am renovating (uninvited) and offering suggestions, it hurts me so much. When he was there I just wanted him to hold me and love me. He tells me he knew he could have "F*****" me. Then he tells me I'm a "Good Person"

I am now sitting here while he flew out Thursday and he is with her. I have been a wreck for two days. He is actually using my fathers company credit card to buy gas. I called him and told me it was inappropriate to use company funds on his vacation. He wants out of our marriage, he can lose the privledges of being married to me as well. He tells me I'm busting his balls and hangs up on me!

So long story short, it's not an easy road. Time does heal wounds and when you finally feel like you have taken a step in the right direction-then they come and push you four steps back. Sorry for the long post - Good Luck

Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 9:19am
God I hope I never have to see her face. He will not admit to anything though! We all know that all the 70 min phone conversations (daily) and sending pictures of himself to her is not what regular friends do, especially one that is 4 states away, right? He says he wants to work it out but then last night I begged him just to tell me, if it is so innocent than why did he hide the messages from me (refused to let me read it) and why would he be sending pics of himself (looking so hot in the $400 pair of Prada sunglasses I got the SOB) his answer is always I don't know and why do I care???? Remaining so cocky, no admition of guilt, yet he wants to work it out????????? We just bought this house last May. Lived here less than a year. The market has dropped and we will probably lose money on it. I have no money saved (seperate bank accounts). He's trying to scare me with money, like how will I ever live??? I have been in therapy for 5 years after having postpartum depression with first baby and on an anti depressent. He's again trying to scare me saying that I will not be seen as fit because of that...
Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 9:42am

"I have been in therapy for 5 years after having postpartum depression with first baby and on an anti depressent. He's again trying to scare me saying that I will not be seen as fit because of that..."

My xh once threatened this same thing with me--getting me declared an unfit mother because I had been treated for PPD.... it was all hot air... This threat should be the least of your worries... if you're on an anti-depressant, you're being treated and that is what matters in the eyes of the court--you are certainly fit--you know you're having this issue and you're getting help for it...

Good Luck!

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 11:47am
About the best advise I can give you would be to kick him to the curb once a cheater always a cheater. The children are young enough to grow with it. It may be the best wake up call that he will e ver have in his life time. I wish you all the luck and god bless you and yours.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 2:26pm

God - Our lives sound so similiar. You were seeking help for your problems, when he was probably the root of the problem. They can't take away your kids because you are on an anti-depressant. So many people are on medication for depression.

Thats how it was with me. I sought help. The therapist wanted us to go to MC. My STBX refused saying there was nothing wrong with our relationship. He basically became bored. Well, does he think I'm having a ball carting the kids to b-ball, hockey, and school functions while working full time.

My STBX claims they never did anything either, he just wanted a trial separation. Who would send a person you just talk to on the phone a pajama gram on Valentines day? It's a bunch of S***! They just don't want you to get even with them by going after the one thing that will hurt them. Their wallets!

It sucks that you have no equity in your house. That's the only good thing that helped me to get out of the house. He chooses to keep the house so he had to pay me half of the equity.

You will be able to live because he will need to pay you child support and possibly alimony.

I wish you the best of luck-

Brenda